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  #1  
Old 01-22-2014, 12:13 PM
jeb jeb is offline
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Question Extremely confused


Ok my name is Jacqueline. I am a 23 year old female. I was raised a catholic, i've always been more spiritual then religious though. Anyway I started talking to a guy one night and needless to say we got along and were compatible, Everything was going great, we met and he seemed chill. We ended up getting intimate and afterwards he told me that he had a wife. He also informed me that she knew about me and wanted to meet. I met her and she was amazing and gorgeous and not at all what i expected. I am open to a poly amorous relationship i just don't exactly know what the next step is. I am just looking for other people to talk to who have been in this lifestyle and could just maybe be here to talk to.

Thank You
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  #2  
Old 01-22-2014, 01:07 PM
london london is offline
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He told you he was married after you were intimate...
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  #3  
Old 01-22-2014, 01:32 PM
jeb jeb is offline
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Yes it was after we had been intimate.
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Old 01-22-2014, 01:52 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Hi and welcome to the forum!

So you are in a poly situation and got into it without the full knowledge... Not the best way to start, but this does not sound disastrous. He did tell you about his marriage in the early stages of the relationship. There is no consensus here on this forum about when you should come out as poly (and having other relationships), but I guess most people would agree with me that a marriage is something that would be best to be out in the open before any intimate contact happened.

Anyway, your situation is what it is. You seem to like him and be okay with his wife... good.

My advice for "the next step" would be for you to gather more information about polyamory. Then you should think about what it is that you want of this relationship. And then... communicate, communicate, communicate. Find out about his views of polyamory, about the rules and boundaries they have in their marriage etc. See if his views (and their views as a couple) are compatible with yours.

I can see why you are confused, and the whole poly process might be even more confusing. So do a lot of reading on this forum and elsewhere about poly, and feel free to post your thoughts and concerns!
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Old 01-22-2014, 01:53 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Telling you after the fact is incredibly dishonest. I wouldn't enter into a relationship with this guy personally. Not everyone is ok having sex with married people. Geez
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  #6  
Old 01-22-2014, 01:59 PM
jeb jeb is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Telling you after the fact is incredibly dishonest. I wouldn't enter into a relationship with this guy personally. Not everyone is ok having sex with married people. Geez
I agree with you, however i do genuinely want a relationship with him. A little ( A LOT) confused about how i approach the subject about his wife. Honestly I'm confused about pretty much the entire situation, and apparently i'm a unicorn( why am i a mythical horse creature exactly i don't know). But he did come out and tell me and i think that should show something. maybe?
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Old 01-22-2014, 02:06 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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So who says you are a unicorn? He does? A unicorn is a term for a "hot-bi-babe" that an established couple wants to have as a "shared girlfriend". The mythical term indicates that this kind of wish is very unrealistic - they want a mythical creature that fulfills all their dreams and no real human being is like that. So are you expected to be intimate with his wife, too?
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  #8  
Old 01-22-2014, 05:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeb View Post
Ok my name is Jacqueline. I am a 23 year old female. I was raised a catholic, i've always been more spiritual then religious though. Anyway I started talking to a guy one night and needless to say we got along and were compatible, Everything was going great, we met and he seemed chill. We ended up getting intimate and afterwards he told me that he had a wife. He also informed me that she knew about me and wanted to meet. I met her and she was amazing and gorgeous and not at all what i expected. I am open to a poly amorous relationship i just don't exactly know what the next step is. I am just looking for other people to talk to who have been in this lifestyle and could just maybe be here to talk to.

Thank You
Hi, welcome to the board. I don't have much to add to what pulliman said. However, are you even bisexual? Did this guy determine you were before having sex with you, so he was thinking, aha, fuck this chick, get her hot for me and then, see if she'll also be willing to have hot 3some sex with me and my wife?

Sounds like trickery to me.

See, this is why I don't fuck on a first date. I like to carefully screen new potentials. First, determine they are probably not an ax murderer. Then find out, ARE they married? Are they dating others, or do they have a serious gf/bf already? Who do they live with? What is their STD status, when were they last tested, have they had multiple partners since their last test, do they have herpes?

Has this guy told you you've got to agree to have 3way sex or he will dump you? Then they are definitely unicorn hunters, and you should run far far away, fast. Nothing turns me off more than being expected to have sex with someone's partner, just because THEY want 3somes.
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  #9  
Old 01-22-2014, 06:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Welcome!

I don't take kindly to lies or lies of omission. So I suggest you be on guard against that sort of "less than honest behavior" and tread carefully. At best he is clueless UGH, at worst he is creepy dude UGH. UGH for you either way -- so determine how much (if any!) UGH you want to deal in.

Quote:
But he did come out and tell me and i think that should show something. maybe?
I am not impressed. To suddenly revert to doing basic truths after lying? Just shoes me you ARE capabale of doing it. You choose to do it when serves your purpose rather than choosing to just be doing it consistently.

Could note it is possible he's still here trying to get cookies he wants from you, and just changing his tactics. When "Bait and switch" isn't seeming to work, now he could be going for "look! You inspire me to truthiness! With you at my side, I can become even better!" to keep charming you along.

Beware flattery when you feel uncertain. If it isn't a joyful yes for you, it is not a joyful yes for YOU. Could call it NO.

To me? You do not seem certain about him, so could just skip him. "Thanks for the sex share, no thanks on the "polyshipping" with you and your wife. Bye!" No UGH for you of any flavor.

People are not "diamonds in the rough" that you have to shape. You could choose to be with already well shaped people of character.

If it pleased you to share sex that time, great. No problem there.

At this time...
  • If his company no longer pleases you because you discover he's Mr Less Than Truthy and you are not up for that? You could dump him.
  • If you want to give him another shot --- and reassess later? That's up to you. ( I would not, but I am not you. "Lying" is one of my dealbeakers.)

Ethical polyshipping with honest people can lead to many rewarding experiences. But "polyshipping" in less than honest encounters with less than honest people in less than ethical ways -- just leads to more shenanigans, IMHO, because it does not begin on strong foundation. Build on shaky ground, expect shake ups. I don't like those, I steer clear.

I am sorry he was less than respectful and honest with you. That is very poor behavior on his part and does not inspire confidence in him being a good polypartner. You deserve much better than that -- and could seek it out! You seem to want to so go for it!

If you want to practice polyshipping, you can do it ethically and from a more informed place on your own without that guy. Could branch out on your own and seek better quality partners to practice polyshipping with.

You could expect to be invited to participate in open models up front and honestly. Figure out what models appeal to you. Do your OWN inviting up front and honest.

So good for you in seeking info! You haven't done anything wrong. Get the info you seek. Maybe these hub pages help -- there are others.

Links:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

Ultimately you are responsible for YOU. You are responsible for your health and well being. You are responsible for your "willing and able" and the things you choose to participate in or not. You are responsible for choosing the company you keep.

At no time do you have to do things you do NOT want to do, are not willing to do, are not able to do or are uncertain about doing. You can withdraw your willingness to participate any time you want. Anyone telling you otherwise is super FRESH! Kick 'em to the curb and lose their company.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-22-2014 at 06:56 PM.
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  #10  
Old 01-22-2014, 06:41 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Jacqueline,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It looks like there are a range of opinions about whether you should bother any further with this guy (and his wife). I can't tell if he's acting out of artifice or lack of experience. In any case you might find it helpful to do searches and tag searches here for the following: unicorn, secondary, hot bi babe, couple privilege. In addition I'd read from the following two links:
After that research, I think you'll be in a better position to decide if and how you want to proceed with this man, and you'll be better equipped as well for future situations that might involve one or more of the above factors.

Technically the situation has all the basic hallmarks of a unicorn situation, but it might be worth studying it further and asking this man and his wife some heavy/pointed questions before making a judgment call about it. Like I said, could just be inexperience on their part.

Good luck and I hope you'll find polyamory a positive, enjoyable experience for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

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