Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-26-2009, 11:45 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default How to communicate in a poly relationship

Anyone have any ideas on how to effectively communicate?

I am pretty sure that how we all communicate in our "V" is uniquely honest and very open. Sometimes we are very blunt and up front too. It is a constant thing and can be quite exhausting, but I am never left feeling I don't know what is going on. It keeps me in check and constantly thinking about my two men over and above me. I have never experienced giving so much, have never been so in touch with myself and have never known the ins and outs of my loves more than now I am in this relationship configuration. It has gotten to the point where I know immediately when something is off in me, and can read the two of my men more than I ever have. I am so in tune with them and can sometimes predict what will happen for them before it happens... heightened awareness so to speak.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-27-2009, 12:04 AM
pokey pokey is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 20
Default How

How do you seem to deal with this lifestyle with such security? You seem to not care what anyone else thinks nor do you care. How do you maintain this attitude in the cookie cutter world we live in? Do you ever fear you will lose your relationship with your son? parents? etc...? I would appreciate your insight with all of this
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-27-2009, 07:21 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by pokey View Post
How do you seem to deal with this lifestyle with such security? You seem to not care what anyone else thinks nor do you care. How do you maintain this attitude in the cookie cutter world we live in? Do you ever fear you will lose your relationship with your son? parents? etc...? I would appreciate your insight with all of this
Security comes from knowing this is natural and right. There is nothing illegal about polyamory.

If people cannot see the happiness in me and appreciate it, than I am fine with them not being in my life. I am black or white. My family all know and are not the type to pass judgement, they want me to be happy and healthy.

I am certain of my happiness and in our collective love. I need no approval or understanding. I only need for people to accept we are happy and respect Redpepper and her husband. If someone chooses to disrespect either of them they would do much better to make sure I am not around.

As far as the cookie cutter world we live in..look around, there is a lot more diversity than you might imagine

If the world doesn't want to associate with me because I am in a loving and communicative relationship then fuck them. I can turn that switch off.

I am in love with Redpepper with everything I have, she has two men who love her immensely, we have her love and her son has all of us...what's to be insecure of?
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 08-27-2009 at 07:24 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-27-2009, 01:29 PM
pokey pokey is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 20
Default Thanks

Thanks for your reply. I try to maintain that attitude , but most of the world seems miserable and wants to bring others down. We have a similar situation that you describe you are in. I grapple with several issues internally. Maybe you can share with me how the three of you deal with:

~the constant asking if one of the males is single and friends wanting the inside scoop about him and his availability
~ the children and having friends over and wanting them to sleepover and my fear of the other parents or the kids sensing something "odd"
~ the question on why would he live with us if he is just a "friend", wouldn't he want to have his own place, girlfriend etc..
~Me not being able to show my love publically
~ my family annoyed that I spend more time with him and he is not a blood relative, they always say it is like I have chosen a new family
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-27-2009, 03:08 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

[QUOTE=pokey;5626]
Quote:
~the constant asking if one of the males is single and friends wanting the inside scoop about him and his availability
As I am completely mono I don't think this is an issue for Redpepper in regards to people being interested in me. I have made this very clear during our poly meetings and in the one time someone kind of approached me on Facebook. I'm black and white in most areas and am very blunt about my own "unavailability" I don't play games with my commitment. Plus I'm basically bald so that helps

Redpepper is better suited to answer the remaining questions.

Take care and I hope you find your answers!
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-27-2009, 06:39 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by pokey View Post
~the constant asking if one of the males is single and friends wanting the inside scoop about him and his availability
~ the children and having friends over and wanting them to sleepover and my fear of the other parents or the kids sensing something "odd"
~ the question on why would he live with us if he is just a "friend", wouldn't he want to have his own place, girlfriend etc..
~Me not being able to show my love publically
~ my family annoyed that I spend more time with him and he is not a blood relative, they always say it is like I have chosen a new family
oh geez, is that what we may have to look forward to???!!!

Mono doesn't live with us and we are not out to my family or my husbands. I think that would change things immensely so we wait to see if a moment ever arises that it would be right.

Basically my approach to everything has always to not allow drama in my life. I have become quite good at blocking out what is harmful to me and people who are wanting to cause me harm either on purpose or not. Sometimes I miss cues though and have been hurt, but I am pretty good at deflecting off negativity and turning it back on people so that it becomes there issue rather than mine.

I am very open in public about giving affection I figure it's everyone else's thing to be curious, offended, whatever. Just like my communication, I'm open and honest about who I am regardless.

I don't have a kid that has sleepovers yet.... hmmm... don't know how that would go. Tricky.

As for Mono and his baldy head? It's damned cute and other women think so too. He pays no attention to them and it is very clear that he loves me... his energy speaks volumes when we are together. No one has asked and everyone who knows him knows that he is with me. Again, because we are honest and open. I really have the attitude with everything in life that I am my own person and completely not influenced by other peoples judgment and negativity. I'm a bit of a leader and never a follower, never have been. That doesn't mean I don't listen or change my opinion, but if you knew me you would see that I am in my own world and you either love me or hate me.... your choice, nothing to do with me. I can't even imagine others having that much influence that it would make me feel like I should be concerned about myself or what I think/feel/do. hmmm... misery be damned, I make my own happiness.

My sons school has begun to notice that Mono is around, I think I may have to mention something at some point.... we'll see. Right now I think they think he is a relative.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by River; 08-27-2009 at 07:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-27-2009, 07:12 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Redpepper,

I'm so sorry! I meant to comment on your above post, # 10, but accidently hit a wrong button and ended up erasing part of your post and "editing" it by mistake! I then realized my error, and did my best to repair it to its original condition. I hope this works for you as stands, otherwise, please let me know how to help.

I'm very sorry. I meant no harm. I only meant to quote from you and comment in my own post! Really!
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-10-2009, 11:30 PM
sweetie sweetie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 62
Default

I am new to the forum, so I don't really know if I should just jump right in, but here goes.

I too am in the same type of relationship, but our V are two women and one man. We have adult children. Six in total. I can't say it has been all sunshine and roses with our children, but they love us and are trying. I think the biggest concern for my partners' children was whether Mom and Dad are okay. Does my being there mean they love each other less? No. But things are different.

As for our families. Some know, some suspect and some have no clue. Mine have no clue. There are family members who have asked outright. They deserve the truth. We don't try to justify. We just state the truth as we know it to be for us.

As for the outside world. There is no doubt people suspect. We don't make a concious effort to hide it. If asked, we tell the truth. Which brings up alot of questions. Some that are asked because of genuine curiosity and interest, and some (mostly from men) because they want to know how we work out our sexlife. The questions asked because of genuine interest we answer. The others we don't.

We haven't found any hard and set rules for what is right and wrong. But we know to deny what we share takes away from all of us.

Are we ready to tell the whole world. Hell no. But we're figuring it out as we go along.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-27-2009, 12:18 AM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

Cajun and I, although are not practicing Poly at the moment, have always had an amazing ability to communicate with each other. And this is not just coming from me, this comes from our friends, family and even our couples counselor and my psychologist. He and I know that we can talk to each other about anything and that the other will not jump to conclusions or "go off".

Part of this is because neither of us "fight", we don't yell, we don't fly off the handle, we think and we talk and we ask questions. Another part of it is that we trust each other to be honest and we don't play the games that a lot of couples play such as, "I'm not going to tell him/her what's wrong unless they ask." or ask many times.

Some friends of our gave us an awesome book called All About Us by Philipp Keel for our wedding. This book is a giant quiz/fill out book meant for two but it can still be useful for 3 or more people I imagine, they just don't have the lines in the book for the extra people. But what the book gets you to do, if you do it together, is to answer questions, some simple, some silly, some hard and some scary even, and open up discussions with each other. One of my favorite questions is in the first chapter along with the basic names, ages, etc. "Would you mind looking at each other for one minute? Yes or No? If Yes, put this book away." We have another set of married friends who absolutely cannot "do" this book. They cannot communicate because they do not trust each other or themselves. Makes me sad. What this book helped us do is explore areas that we had not really communicated about before. It may not teach you how to communicate but it will help to open up about things that are important to discuss in a relationship.

To make this seem less like an ad for the book, effective communication requires trust, calm heads or at least the ability to say when to take a break before things escalate to a fight. Deliberation not argument. Thought not reaction, or if there is reaction first, then think about why that particular reaction. It also requires knowledge of the people involved in the communication effort.
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-27-2009, 12:24 AM
aussielover's Avatar
aussielover aussielover is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Home Sweet Home :D
Posts: 262
Default

I look forward to hearing some of these responces. Obviously we're just heading into the REAL LIFE relationship. We have spoken at great lengths about some serious and important issues. We've laid issues out on the table, things that bother us, or that are scary, but once they're out and delt with, everyone feels much better.
We expect there will be many more issues yet to arise, and hopefully we will be able to talk through them as we all know open communication is a must for us to keep this wonderful relationship going.
I look forward to hearing some more experienced points of view on this.
__________________
"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Home
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:25 PM.