Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-15-2014, 05:12 PM
jbonjovi jbonjovi is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4
Default Problem with partners first relationship

My partner and I have been discussing being non-monogamous after a few rough months and some issues of infidelity. I was excited when they decided to try poly with me, but there first choice for a secondary relationship was with another married person, and there is no consent from that persons spouse. After expressing my concerns about what this could do to this other family if my partners relationship goes south, my partner became very sad and upset about not getting my full approval and thinks that I need to be open to the possibility it could work. It makes me feel bad because I want my partner to have this positive feeling from this relationship but it feels wrong to lie to my neighbor about what's going on if they are not okay with this relationship. HELP!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-15-2014, 05:47 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,259
Default

Cheating is not polyamory. It's cheating, period.

Cheating requires hiding and lying, which makes it unethical, while one major aspect of polyamory is the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved, and that makes poly ethical.

It's a shame that your partner feels it should be acceptable to you that they are deceptive and dishonest in his or her relationships. That kind of terrible betrayal can be a deep wound that causes irreparable damage to people's lives. It isn't only about your neighbor and the awfulness being done to their partner - it means you will also have to live with the lying and sliminess of it all (even if you and your partner don't live together), and who needs that kind of energy around them all the time? Ecch, it will feel like the crud and mess your partner creates in that entanglement will rub off on you and make you feel as dirty and dishonest as he or she is being. That is not a nice thing to do to you. Besides, if your partner is okay with such dishonesty with this other person, how can you be sure they will ever be honest with you?

From the statement you made about having had to deal with infidelity in your relationship, it sounds like your partner has had a history of dishonesty with you, and you were hoping poly could be a way to heal from that. I would say that unless your partner is willing to examine this need they have to be covert and dishonest, and to dig deep into the underlying issues about that, he or she is definitely NOT ready to embrace polyamory AT ALL. Some couples take a year or two discussing and examining and dealing with deep issues like this before opening up their relationship to having others, simply because doing so helps to build a strong, honest foundation. And a strong relationship that really works well, one in which the partners are willing to shine a bright light into the darkest corners where fears and insecurities and old belief systems reside, is what is needed to practice polyamory.

Some poly relationships start with cheating and there is a possibility that they can succeed after everyone comes clean, deals with the betrayal, and the cheaters rebuild trust again, but it is an extremely hard and gut-wrenching road to take. It is unkind of your partner to push his/her agenda on you and say that you need to change your thinking about it and be more accepting. That is hogwash. You don't approve and you don't have to. You can't stop your partner from behaving like a shit, but you can draw the line about what you will tolerate. Do you stay with a cheater? Do you keep their secrets? These are questions you need to ask yourself and confront your partner about. Maybe after a few more responses, you can invite your partner to read this thread for some other, eye-opening perspectives.

I am sorry you've been put in this situation.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 01-15-2014 at 05:54 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-15-2014, 06:12 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 551
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jbonjovi View Post
My partner and I have been discussing being non-monogamous after a few rough months and some issues of infidelity. I was excited when they decided to try poly with me, but there first choice for a secondary relationship was with another married person, and there is no consent from that persons spouse. After expressing my concerns about what this could do to this other family if my partners relationship goes south, my partner became very sad and upset about not getting my full approval and thinks that I need to be open to the possibility it could work. It makes me feel bad because I want my partner to have this positive feeling from this relationship but it feels wrong to lie to my neighbor about what's going on if they are not okay with this relationship. HELP!
Can you clarify? Are you a secondary to your partner? Who is the first they? Your partner and his/her primary? And did this person cheat on his/her primary with you? And if their first choice was a married person, then at what point did they decide to try with you?

I second that the plan to try 'poly' with someone whose spouse did not consent...and I'm guessing doesn't know? This is cheating, end of story. You are right to be concerned about what this will do to another family. Why should your partner have positive feelings from a relationship that is harming another individual and family? This isn't kindergarten. He (she?) is an adult and doesn't get a gold star smiley face to make him feel good just for showing up. You don't owe anyone approval for them following a harmful course of action that will hurt others.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-15-2014, 06:49 PM
jbonjovi jbonjovi is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4
Default

To be clear we are married, and have both cheated. I wanted to have a poly relationship and things have been messy. This would be there first relationship outside of our marriage. It's happening so fast, I don't feel ready for it, but I feel some guilt for my infidelity and things have been better since we talked about becoming non-monogamous but I agree that we need more time before really opening up. My partner is sweet and sensitive and really longs for this attention, but my partner is more interested in physical relationships where as I want more emotional relationships, and I am really concerned they won't want to continue in a poly relationship which is what I really want to do. They understand my point of view but there feelings of lust is so strong that they seem blinded by it. I want to be there for my partner so that they can get past this relationship and find a more suited secondary partner. One who is single or in an open relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-15-2014, 06:55 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 551
Default

That helps. Thanks. Is there a reason you don't want to use pronouns? It gets awfully unwieldy trying to talk around them.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-15-2014, 07:05 PM
jbonjovi jbonjovi is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4
Default

I guess I am just trying to avoid pronouns cause it's a practice I am working on, and I guess I was also trying to avoid any gender bias in the discussion. I might let up if the thread continues and if it seems more helpful. Sorry if it was confusing.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-15-2014, 07:15 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,259
Default

We have a large mix of orientations and genders in the membership here. Most of us here aren't biased gender-wise, as far as advice we give, but it is sometimes helpful to know the genders and orientations of the people involved. One, so we know who we're addressing; two, it's just easier language-wise; and three, it could play into other factors that might add to the problems at hand (like prejudices people might have to deal with). Besides, pronouns are a useful feature of the English language. You could also use aliases or initials, which is what most of us do here.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 01-15-2014 at 11:26 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:18 PM.