Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-26-2009, 08:35 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Posts: 4
Default How do I open up my discussion/relationship?

I am so new to this and even the term of polyamory I am completely open to trying it in my marriage of 6 years. We are a strong couple together, enjoy being around each other, and have 2 kids together.

My questions is how to I introduce the idea to him with out hurting him? I think he is insecure so I don't want to come off as sounding like he isn't satisfying me...help....
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-26-2009, 08:54 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,186
Default

Welcome to the boards.

If you're in the habit of speaking freely about all subjects, just begin talking. I view additional relationships as expanding my life and making for more good things for me and mine, so I'd speak of it in those terms--nobody's losing anything and instead gaining a good deal.

I'll also suggest sorting out exactly what it is the two of you require from a relationship for it to be worthwhile and discussing how to make certain you provide that for each other while adding other people to the mix. That goes a long way to addressing fears of loss.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-26-2009, 09:03 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Posts: 4
Default

Thanks for the reply, it was helpful. My unfortunate biggest concern is how to open up that discussion with him without him wanting to immediately ask for a divorce?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-26-2009, 09:19 PM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

Welcome to the forums.

Well hopefully you are exaggerating on the "immediate divorce" comment because if that is truly an issue, there are other problems to be dealt with first. You also mention that you are a "strong couple together", does that mean that if you or he went away for a week or even just over night there are problems?

I broached the subject with my husband by joking about wanting a harem (of men), but that fit with our situation and may not work in your case. Chances are that unless he has been harboring similar desires, he will feel slightly hurt and insecure. Then you have to reassure him how much you love him and want to spend your life with him and your family and this poly desire has nothing to do with how you feel about him. After that depends on his reaction.

Good luck!
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-26-2009, 09:29 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Posts: 4
Default

Thanks vandalin. Yes the "immediate divorce" response was an exagerration LOL. Your suggestion did give me an idea of how to approach it...more informally at first I think is the best approach. Now I need to find what to joke about...I hope his reaction is positive or at least not completely negative.

Thanks for your good luck wishes!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-26-2009, 09:39 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Well hopefully you are exaggerating on the "immediate divorce" comment because if that is truly an issue, there are other problems to be dealt with first.
I'm going to wear it for this, butů.
I don't see asking for an immediate divorce as being too harsh if you are in an established and agreed upon monogamous relationship. Vows are not just words during a marraige ceremony. That is why I would be very careful in saying them.

Once the seed of "I am not enough for my partner" has been planted, it can't be erased in some people. I would be one of those. I know if my ex wife had of asked to explore polyamory with another man during the good years of our marriage I would have left. She did explore a possible relationship with another woman, and due to the sexual aspect of her being with another woman I was prepared to deal with it until they spent a night together. I lost it, but luckily during the night she decided it was not what she wanted. If it had of been another guy, I would never have gotten passed it. I would have left.

I know not all people would react this way, but I do not consider it an unreasonable response nor do I believe does the vast majority.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-26-2009, 09:48 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

I have a tendency to repeat myself when someone brings up the topic of how to introduce the idea of opening up a closed relationship.

First figure out exactly what you are looking for and work on vocalizing it. I suggest writing your thoughts on paper so you can read them and see if it makes sense. Be specific if this is a want or a need. If you don't get a want you probably won't die or end up doing something that will jeopardize your relationship.
If you deny a need however, you may end up unhealthy and not fulfilled in life which is a form of death in my opinion.

Clarity, clarity, clarity. Don't leave your partner guessing or confused. Be 100 percent honest and don't try to put a good spin on things for the sake of your partner. Get it out very precisely so you can begin the work and move away from defining what you are trying to say.

Hopefully this helps a little
Take care
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:36 PM.