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  #1  
Old 01-02-2014, 06:20 AM
NettleSparks8551 NettleSparks8551 is offline
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My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. Recently, I brought one of my (platonic) female friends around just to hang out. She's always had the dream of being in a triad relationship. Mind you, mentally and emotionally she's very very young.

I allowed them to hang out alone because I trust them. When I came home after work, my boyfriend out and asked me if I would be willing to enter into a triadic relationship with them. I immediately burst into tears and said "no", but after being told that I wasn't seeing the positives and given that I can't deny my boyfriend anything, I relented. We made the agreement that we would try it for a month and if I found at the end that I couldn't do it, we would dissolve the relationship and our relationships would go back to the way they were. While I knew that this was bullshit, and impossible, I agreed against my better judgement.

The first couple of weeks were really hard. It made me sick to my stomach to see them show each other any kind of affection and many times, I would avert my eyes so I wouldn't have to see it. She tried to be affectionate with me, but something in me just didn't want it. I had no interest in her romantically and I was beginning to resent her as my friend.

At the end of the first couple of weeks, they called me out on my aversions and my avoidance. I explained everything that I was feeling-that I had never wanted to be in this kind of relationship ( i still didn't), that I was only doing this for him, and how much it was hurting me. Again, he told me that i wasn't looking at all the positives and how great something like this could be, etc. I told him that I understand what he sees and that I truthfully wasn't writing off this kind of relationship, I just didn't think her and my personalities meshed well together in this setting.

Things got better for a couple of weeks. I was able to stomach their affection towards each other, though it did still hurt me to see it. However, right around the end of the month, those feelings of resentment started to resurface. I felt like no one was respecting how I was feeling. I felt like no one cared that this may truly not be for me and that they were just waiting for me to "see the positives". We had it out and I agreed that before I could do anything I would have to try to change my way of thinking about these things before I could do anything, and then we would see.

I am trying to alter my way of thinking about this. I truly don't think I will ever be able to love her romantically, having thought of her for so long as a sister. I do still feel that I would have to love her that way in order for it to not feel as though he simply has two girlfriends. I need someone's opinion on this. Am I in the wrong here? I do feel as though I was bullied into this. He's the one for me. He was before all this and I won't let this break us. I just don't feel as though this particular relationship is going to work and no one is listening to me.

Thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 01-02-2014, 06:52 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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No, you're not wrong to feel this way. You have no romantic interest in her. This was pushed on you. You were bullied into this.

You say he's the one for you, but consider if a guy who pushes and cajoles and bullies you into a romantic, and presumably sexual, relationship with someone you don't want that with, is really the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The truth is, you don't necessarily have control over whether this will break the two of you.
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  #3  
Old 01-02-2014, 07:33 AM
NettleSparks8551 NettleSparks8551 is offline
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She says it's not necessary for me to be romantically interested in her for this to work. Is that true? It feels like a cop out to me.
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:42 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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He's talking about a 'triadic' relationship, and you're saying she was trying to be affectionate with you, but you didn't want it and you have no interest in her romantically. You say if you don't love her that way, it's just him having two girlfriends.

This all sounds to me as if the two of them are trying to push some sort of romance/sexual thing between you and this girl. Is this what's happening?

If this is what's happening, they are in the wrong. It's pretty awful to try to push someone into a sexual, romantic situation they don't want.

Can poly work if he has two girlfriends. Most people here will say yes. I think it can in rare situations, but mostly I see a lot of drama and pain coming from it. In this case, as it's being pushed on you, I don't really foresee it ever being something you come to love. Because you're right, you are NOT being respected. And you will not ultimately be happy in this situation long term, where they see they can talk you in circles, push you into anything they want, and accuse you of being the problem if you don't just up and get sexual with anyone he or they brings in.
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  #5  
Old 01-02-2014, 07:53 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I think it can in rare situations...
You don't think Vees work? Our mileage obviously varies significantly. I think they have a much better chance than a forced triad.
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Old 01-02-2014, 08:06 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
You don't think Vees work? Our mileage obviously varies significantly. I think they have a much better chance than a forced triad.
I just said I think they can. I completely agree with you they have a much better chance than a forced triad.
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:53 AM
stillskies stillskies is offline
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Totally not wrong to feel that way. You were bullied into something that you do not want, and every time you try to express that - from what I'm gathering - you're being brushed off and ignored. It almost seems as though your feelings in this don't matter, and that's not right.

It's very difficult to see the positives in something when you don't want it. And how long are they willing to wait for you to "see the positives?" How long are you willing to keep trying to force yourself to be okay with something that you don't want? You say you don't want to let this break your relationship, but what if, in the course of all of this, you begin to resent him? Being forced into something has a tendency to breed resentment.

If she says you don't have to be romantically interested in her for it to work, then it isn't a triad. It's more of a vee with you and your friend as arms and your boyfriend as the hinge.
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Old 01-02-2014, 08:08 AM
NettleSparks8551 NettleSparks8551 is offline
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I'm not super clear on how a vee would work...can someone explain? It sounds a little like bigamy to me...
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  #9  
Old 01-02-2014, 08:10 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NettleSparks8551 View Post
I'm not super clear on how a vee would work...can someone explain? It sounds a little like bigamy to me...
A vee is exactly what you said above: he has two girlfriends. The two of you are not involved with each other in a vee.
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  #10  
Old 01-02-2014, 08:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sigh. I'm very sorry you hurt right now.

Let me lift up how it reads to me. Not judgement or blame -- just... how it sounds to a stranger. It's long, but you could please consider it all. You don't have to answer. It's just for you to think on.

Quote:
my boyfriend out and asked me if I would be willing to enter into a triadic relationship with them.
Fair enough. He can always ask things. How YOU respond is up to YOU.

Quote:
I immediately burst into tears and said "no" but... I can't deny my boyfriend anything... I relented even though I knew that this was bullshit, and impossible for me. So I basically agreed against my better judgement.
If you have that immediate and visceral a reaction,? And you say "No?" The BF could respect your limit. He did not respect your limit.

Sounds like he pushed you until he got his way. And maybe you agreed to "yes" just to escape being harangued. This is not kind behavior he does to you.

This is not kind behavior you do to you either -- sticking with a person who does not respect your limits when you speak your truth and turns to haranguing to get his way at your expense.

Quote:
I felt like no one was respecting how I was feeling.
You are correct. They are not. Neither are you. How are YOU respecting how you feel and when you choose to enter into things that go against your own grain?

Do you expect others to respect your feelings but not YOU? Where is self respecting behavior for you?
  • When the BF does not respect you and your feelings in listening to your limit at the start...
  • When the BF does not respect your effort in trying anyway...
  • When the BF does not respect your restating your limit anew and pushes you to go for more...

How does this behavior of his demonstrate "him respecting you and your feelings?"
  • When you agree to go for something you do not want for yourself...
  • When you choose to meet (his want to polyship) at the cost of you denying (your own need to listening to your own limits so you can be in good mental, emotional, and spiritual health)
  • When you try it on and reconfirm to yourself that this is not for you and say so to him but you agree to go for more of stuff you dislike...

How is this behavior of yours demonstrate "you respecting you and your feelings?"

Is this behavior the kind of behavior you like in a BF of yours?
Is this behavior the kind of behavior you like in yourself?

I am not saying it is right he does this. I'm asking "Is this how YOU like being treated by a BF person? Or would you expect a BF person to listen to you, obey your limits when you say "No" to things?"

I sure hope you want to be respected by a BF person and have them show it by listening to you, obeying your limits when you say "No."

So how does THIS specific BF measure up for how you want to be treated by a BF person? Does his behavior meet the bar or is his behavior less than wonderful?

You might love him, but you don't have to love his behavior. And if he doesn't change his behavior toward you? You could choose to not associate yourself with him any more. Fired BF! No longer BF! Can always seek a new one.

How about your behavior? Do you expect yourself to look out for yourself? Do you expect yourself to accept bullying? Do you expect yourself to get away from a bully? How's your own behavior measuring up?

You have to live with you. You cannot fire you. You cannot find a new you to be with. When in doubt or when it is hard? I strongly suggest always choosing self respecting behavior. Otherwise you are dinging your own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical healths.

Quote:
I felt like no one cared that this may truly not be for me and that they were just waiting for me to "see the positives".
Cool. Since you cannot find them, could they please point out where the positives are for you? So you can know what they are? (Somehow I doubt they can find them either.)

In the meanwhile... Where is YOU caring that this may not be for you? Where is YOU obeying your own personal limitations/boundaries that you set for yourself?

Honey, if it is not for you it is not for you. A personal limitation. It isn't a bad thing, or a good thing. It is just a thing.

I don't need to "try" race car driving to know it is never going to be a thing for me. Other people might enjoy it for themselves. But me spending my time doing (race car driving) when I really don't want to be doing that? I see no positives there. I just see waste. Wasted time, effort, energy and emotion.

If the pushy BF is pushy and does not treat you how you want to be treated? You can fire him from the job. Dump him. You deserve to be treated well. By others and by you.

You cannot control his behavior. But you are in charge of yours. You could expect yourself to get you away from a bully.

Get away from him if is habit is to ignore your "no" limits. Yes, it might hurt because you love him. But his behavior is less than loving, and sticking around to get dinged some more is not YOU getting YOU out of the line of fire. You could do loving behavior toward you and get you out of the line of fire.

Don't expect him to get you out. He's ok just dinging ya.

It is a limit of the Universe:

(You loving someone AND doing loving behavior toward them)

does not automatically equal

(That person loving you AND doing loving behavior toward you.)

Even if you have to work through some more short term stink first to get back to dry land and not feel like you are drowning in problems any more? You could do it. Could strike out on your own and leave this behind. Restore order back in your universe. So you can enjoy better health in the long term.

Quote:
We had it out and I agreed that before I could do anything I would have to try to change my way of thinking about these things before I could do anything, and then we would see.
Actually you could do anything any ol' time YOU feel like it. You are the boss of you. The one who owns your willingness is YOU.

You do not have to accept every invitation you are given. You can RSVP "Thank you for the invite to continue polyship! But no. It doesn't work for me. I am not willing to participate any more. I'm stepping off."

You already tried it. You don't need to do more here. How is you agreeing to sign up for more of same you helping you to feel better?

I mean all this kindly.

I'm sure this is very hard for you right now... but signing up for MORE of what you do not want is not you helping you get healthier and less stressy.

Could try to TAKE AWAY not ADD to your problems.
Could seek to REDUCE time spent in UGH rather than EXTEND the time spent in UGH. If all the options stink, pick the one that is self respecting and stinks the least.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-02-2014 at 08:11 PM.
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