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Old 12-26-2013, 10:52 AM
RoseMartha RoseMartha is offline
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Default Not too sure how I feel Right now

Hi! Iím new here, and of course I need advice.
I have two partners. Both are aware of each other, but they are not friends and do not spend any time together. Each relationship is very separate. I have had conversations with both partners about safe sex practices and have come to honest agreements with both of them. My problem today involves only one partner, Tom.
Tom and I have agreed to two things 1. Notification of a new sex partner (which is all that is required, ďHey, sleeping with someone new.Ē) 2. Use of condoms outside of our relationship.
So of course when I was on the phone with Tom today, he told me he started sleeping with someone new. She is a FWB heís been very rarely and casually seeing over the past year. This is the first time they've slept together (we both usually like to share/hear details). Tom and I chat some more, he has to go, I hang up. But for some reason I have the urge to text him and ask if he used a condom. Tom says, no, he didn't. He really didn't expect to be sleeping with her, and heís sorry he broke the rule.
So new sex partner for Tom, cool. I've no problems there.
Tomís lack of condom use? Iím ticked. It is something we very mutually agreed to. It directly affects my well being. While at least he was honest when asked, he didn't say anything until I asked. He wasn't going to tell me unless I directly asked?? This is the first time it has come up for us (new sex partners), but Tom has been actively looking for NSA or FWB sex opportunities. And he doesn't have a condom lying around?
Now, obviously if I chose to continue my sexual relationship with Tom, we will be using condoms from here on out.
But right this moment, Iím pretty hurt. People make mistakes and all, but it was an agreement between us. He seems pretty flippant about my safety (and his!). If I hadn't have asked, he would have put his unprotected, possibly diseased, P in my V without saying anything. My trust from Tom has taken a HUGE hit. Frankly, I feel like I have been ďcheatedĒ on.

I just wonder what others thoughts on this might be? If itís happened to someone else and how they felt or dealt. Itís hard to talk to my ďnormalĒ friends about this. They canít seem to get the idea out of their head that Iím having some sort of sexy free for allÖ
Thanks for reading!
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Old 12-26-2013, 04:07 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Since he can't honor your agreement about safe sex practices I would no longer go barrier free with him
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Old 12-26-2013, 04:08 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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N and J have an agreement that they will use condoms with others and if they decided to go without then they would start using them again.
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Old 12-26-2013, 05:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am very sorry you are upset.

Quote:
While at least he was honest when asked, he didn't say anything until I asked. He wasn't going to tell me unless I directly asked??
Quote:
He seems pretty flippant about my safety (and his!). If I hadn't have asked, he would have put his unprotected, possibly diseased, P in my V without saying anything.
Those two seem to be the biggest issues.

Quote:
My trust from Tom has taken a HUGE hit. Frankly, I feel like I have been “cheated” on.
You have found your trust in Tom was let down. Not just once (lack of condom use) but twice (responsive if you ask, but not forthcoming on his own.)

Here's what you could do at this point in time:
  • You could express those feelings to Tom. Or not. Up to you.
  • You could continue a relationship with Tom. Or not. Up to you.
  • You could use condoms with Tom. Or not. Up to you.
  • You could use barriers with ALL partners. Or not. Up to you.

I would strongly suggest the last even if you don't do the others.

When you trust others to do you sex health care for you (ie: condoms used in sex share with other people) that is not YOU doing all YOU can for YOUR sex health care. (ie: condoms used in sex share with ME.)

It gives your power away. And I think maybe part of the disappointment you feel right now is disappointment in you. I mean that kindly -- no judgement or blaming at all. You could be more careful with your sex health going forward -- that's all.

Hope you start to feel better soon emotionally.

Physically... could make the appointments you need to get screened -- hopefully it is nothing but best to get checked out.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-26-2013 at 07:11 PM.
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:10 PM
RoseMartha RoseMartha is offline
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Thanks for the responses!

Yes. We will be using condoms for sex.

GalaGirl- It's true some of the disappointment is in myself. My sexual health IS my responsibility. Don't worry, didn't feel judged by your comment. Also I get tested regularly, and already saw this as a great time to get screened again


I guess I didn't share the details, but Tom and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half. We have had an open relationship for the last 6 months, and the decision to open the relationship was very mutual.

I am most hurt because I really thought this was something I could trust Tom in. I am most hurt with myself because I misjudged trusting Tom. The whole thing is making me second guess how much I trust Tom in and out of the bedroom. And it's making me second guess my ability to judge how much trust to put in Tom.

On the plus side, a few deep breaths and some sleep took the doom and gloom horror emotional explosion edge off Much more able to sort out my own feelings.
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  #6  
Old 12-26-2013, 06:38 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Maybe he would have told you later. Maybe not. At least he was honest when asked.

And people do dumb things in the heat of the moment. You have to make some safer sex choices.

But I would focus more on the idea that he was honest when asked and talk about how to avoid this in the future.
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