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Old 12-17-2013, 12:10 AM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 96
Default child custody and poly

Some of you may have read about my husband shoving me into a bookcase a few weeks ago. I've since gotten a restraining order and am getting divorced. My husband and his ex wife are master manipulators of the system. We already had DCF involved today and somehow it did not go how I expected. I'm worried that even though my husband is currently with his gf he met while we were poly, he will say he is now settled and no longer poly but that I am. How will this affect me with custody of my four year old son?
--Jade, 31/f
Neverwhere - exH, we have a son together.
Amanda - Neverwhere's 1st wife and one of the reasons my marriage to him ended. They have three sons together.
Mark - Neverwhere's brother. We are dating. He is mono.
JBR - My boyfriend of 8 months, also poly, has kids, we live together.
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Old 12-17-2013, 12:26 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 969

It probably varies greatly by country and by state. Where are you located?
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Old 12-17-2013, 12:34 AM
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Oldpolyman Oldpolyman is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Usually on the East Coast
Posts: 52
Default Child in poly relationship, DCF

Just a guess, with all the alternative relationships, the DCF is only going to look at wither the child is safe and secure. One of my acquaintances works for the local CPS (DCF), he tells me that they don't look at all the crazy things they used to worry about, but rather the safety of the child is paramount. Lots of poly folks worry about having their children taken away because of their relationships, but unless the child is in danger, you have nothing to worry about.
I try to love my wives this way, unconditionally! Husbands love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. Eph. 5:25
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:30 AM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346

you should research your state's laws on child custody issues. i know in my state custody technically will go to the parent who is not or has not committed adultery. i'm in north idaho and it's very conservative here and very old fashioned in state laws even though the amazingly liberal WA state is right next door.

no matter what any of us say here, it's up to verify exactly what you are up against. i do think if he tries to use polyamory against you it's going to back fire since he's "leaving you" for the "other woman". he'd actually need to prove you are unfit - dirty house, dishes never cleaned, piles and piles of grossness, drug use, abuse of the kids...that's what will help him get 100% custody.
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:31 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Definitely need to speak to a lawyer and research laws for where YOU live.
A friend in Washington spent 2 years in a NASTY custody battle where there was no abuse. But the state removed her rights "temporarily" to "assess the risk". That lasted a year. By which time there was a case for "maintaining him in his current living situation. Meaning she got visitation only. In a dynamic where there was NO abuse. Just that the poly gf and dh decided to settle down together and end being poly. They got her parents to testify against her STRICTLY due to her being bi and poly.

The risk is there.

Where i live, in Alaska, if there is any history of abuse (spousal or child) the abuser cant get custody.

Each state is VERY different.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 12-17-2013, 07:22 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

I'd also be concerned about the whole dating your kid's uncle thing. For your husband, it will look like he was in a rough marriage, tried to do this crazy poly thing to salvage it but ultimately settled down into a normal relationship. You, however, still want to do the crazy poly thing and started dating your husband's brother which could be argued displays several negative traits about your views on family.

Not saying they are my personal views, but it is what I would say if I were your husband or his legal team.
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Old 12-17-2013, 07:25 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Where i live, in Alaska, if there is any history of abuse (spousal or child) the abuser cant get custody
I disagree with spousal abuse meaning you can't be a decent parent. For one, what if the abuse was 2 way? Neither parent gets custody?
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Old 12-18-2013, 02:55 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,845

None of our personal stuff came up in the divorce. We filed and had written a parenting plan. We were seeking to have 50/50 custody. I guess the only way it would have gotten dirty is if I had tried.to get full custody and he would have needed to prove why I was unfit.

I do not tell x about my personal life nor does he ask. As far as I'm aware he doesn't know or care about me continuing to be poly. I do not advertise to him that I am.
Sue with husband of 7 years Nate . Recently broken up with boyfriend of 2.5 years Sam
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