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Old 12-06-2013, 01:25 AM
bagofhearts bagofhearts is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9
Unhappy Do I Need to Find a New Boyfriend?

My polyamory is causing my mono boyfriend hurt and me guilt and confusion.

I told him right from the start that I will never be with just one person and he kept wanting to go forward with the relationship. Something I have noticed in dating mono men is that almost all of them think that they will be the one to change me or else they don't really believe that I will still want to be with other people after being with them. I think it's an ego thing. They are always shocked when the realize I meant what I said.

He did agree to have an "open relationship" which I naively thought meant I could still practice my polyamory. He meant that I could sleep with people but not date them. I told him I would be honest about everything because that's one of my rules. So he was mostly (but not completely) okay when I would let him know I had slept with someone. But when I went on a date with someone he was not okay with that at all. Which is when we realized we had a huge miscommunication. So I agreed to cancel the next date I had set up so we could figure this all out first. We have yet to figure it out.

So now my dilemma is I'm in love with this guy and he's in love with me but I am still polyamorous and will always want to keep having other people in my life. As more than just sex, too. Is there a way to work this out? Will I have to just cut my losses? Do mono guys ever really feel okay about their woman's polyamory? It is absolutely NOT an option for me to just "go mono". Believe me, I've tried, countless times, and it has NEVER worked. Also, I refuse to see people on the side and be dishonest about it. I cannot do that. I also cannot bear to keep hurting him! It causes me grief! I love him, but I can't change who I am! What are our options here, realistically?
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Old 12-06-2013, 02:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,262

I'm sorry. Sounds like limit reached.
  • You are not willing/able to change to monoshipping. You already know that does not work for you. Your setting is (polyamorous and polyshipping)
  • He has tried polyshipping for x time and finds it does not work for him. He has found is he not (monoamorous and polyshipping) in his preferred way of going. But (monoamorous and monoshipping) in his preferences for loving and relating.

You both love each other. But things do not line up so it can coexist well at this time. Basically could ask him if he is willing and able to continue... Or willing but not able? And having to digest that. Or you could decide to make the call if you see he is not able.

Perhaps the most loving thing you can do right now is accepting limit reached and becoming willing to release what does not work -- the relationship model? And perhaps considering a relationship model that could work for both -- friendship?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-06-2013 at 07:30 AM.
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Old 12-06-2013, 02:46 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,791

Some mono people are just fine with their partners Polyamory.

I am the vee with a mono man on one end and a polyflexible man on the other who is not looking for any partners but myself. If someone were to fall into his life he would be open to having another partner. But I am Polyfi so I am not looking for anyone either so Murf has no worry of me looking. Butch was here first.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 12-06-2013, 05:08 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Yes, you do.
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Old 12-06-2013, 05:29 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

If you really want to try to make this work, take some time to see if it might be possible. Give him the opportunity to talk this through with you, learn about poly (www.morethantwo.com is a great 101 resource), and feel out his initial knee-jerk negative reaction. Maybe that strong negative reaction will always be there, and this is doomed. Or maybe it can soften with time.

Davis (see my signature line) was dead-set against poly when he first learned of it. He thought it was a bad idea and could only lead to heartbreak, and would never be for him. Well, it's still not for him -- he's mono to the core. But he's come to accept that it IS for me. We tried a serious, aiming-for-primary type relationship while I was also seriously involved with Gia. That attempt didn't work out, but for reasons that had nothing to do with poly. Now he and I are friends and secondary partners who love each other, and he's fully accepted my polyamorous heart. He actually told me a few months ago that he'd come to see poly in a much more accepting light, and that he wouldn't mind meeting my other bf some day (this despite the fact that we'd had some MAJOR friction over my decision to go barrier-less with that other bf, which had made me assume Davis might resent him).

It'll likely be a long road, and you need to prepare yourself for the fact that his feelings might be inflexible. But mono/poly relationships aren't impossible.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 12-06-2013, 01:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

You are not hurting him! He is hurting himself by refusing to accept reality. This is something he needs to work out for himself - no amount of concessions and sacrifices you make for him will help if he simply only wants things his way. Shit, he should be grateful his gf is honest and not a bullshitter/game-player!

Just keep being true to yourself. He can either accept you for who you are and accept the parameters you want for your relationship... or not.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 12-07-2013, 11:06 PM
bagofhearts bagofhearts is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 9
Default Thank you

Thank you all for your thoughtful, kind, honest and educated responses. Some new developments have occurred since I posted earlier.

my boyfriend obviously realized he can't deal with me even sleeping with other people so his new condition is that I can only sleep with someone if he can watch and also only if they have a woman he can sleep with in exchange. I find this unrealistic and unreasonable and do not accept these conditions and he is going to have to make the decision to love and accept me for who I am or leave me. If he chooses to stay he will continue to be hurt. I am frustrated right now and insulted by his increasing demands and feel that if he chooses to stay and gets hurt that it is no longer my fault because I have told him what I am capable of (which is polyamory and NOT monogamy) and he simply refuses to accept that. No matter how much I love him I can't change who I am. I am poly to the core, always have been and always will be. For better or worse. He knows I have tried monogamy many times previously and never once did it work. I love him but accept that he may not be able to deal with a poly girlfriend. He will have to decide that for himself. Believe me, if I could change, I would. Actually... No I wouldn't. I love who I am! Even though it makes relationships more complicated. And thank you to the person who said he should be glad I am honest!! This is how I feel. I feel I am being fair and realistic. I no longer feel I have any reason to feel guilty. Also, thank you to the person who said maybe we need to consider a different relationship model. I am going to suggest this to him this weekend. Because the current model is obviously not working!
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