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Old 02-10-2011, 02:49 PM
abhainn abhainn is offline
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Default New & confused.

Hi I'm new here and new to non-mono and finding it... sometimes complicated... wondered if writing here would help to clear some things and any comments or advice would brighten the path no doubt.

As background, I met a guy some time ago, who turned out to be poly and we started going out together. Very quickly it felt like finally having found my way, like sitting down in a comfortable chair, this suits me, this is how I've always been. So that's fine.

Some things were hard, initially, and very sore. How could he love these people, and love me? Does he love me? Does he want me? Am I being compared to...? Then I started going out with a girl, on poly basis, and have learned something about how different people slot to your emotional space differently.

With my boyfriend we have a regular weekly thing at his. Rest of the time he sees his other partners and sometimes we keep in touch, sometimes we don't.

Now, why I'm writing here is that some things are bothering me, but I don't know how to bring them up or what my 'rights' are, what I can ask and what I can't. We don't have any rules, it is fully open, but very respectful and supportive in many ways.

Sex is quite important to me in this relationship. I fancy him. I want him to fancy me. Sometimes he doesn't. Because he knows it's important to me, he will still have sex with me, but he's not in it fully, and I feel that and it hurts me deeply (this may be silly, but it is how I feel).

I suppose what bothers me the most is that I can't help thinking it is to do with the other partners, especially the woman who has the night before mine, who he has sex with through the night (something he slipped when we were still quite new to each other, I don't know if this is generally true, or just true for that week/that time).

Now I'm finding, that although I'm not jealous of his other partners, I'm jealous of this woman. I feel she is taking something from me. She has taken his sexual energy, and he comes to me to rest, when I need his sexual energy, too. I feel close to her, because he loves her, but I hate her, too.

I'd want to talk to him about this, but don't know how to bring up something like this, and have kept it too long now, it is becoming really painful.

Last edited by abhainn; 02-10-2011 at 07:27 PM.
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Old 02-11-2011, 06:20 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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For me in my relationships this kind of scenario you describes indicates a lack of connection. If he is not telling you about other partners and his attachment to them then I would wonder how your connection could hope to build.

I, for one, need to know emotional details about my partners love for others and what they do in their lives... not necessarily what they do sex wise, but how much they love them, what they love about them, what they think about feel about everything in their lives.

Knowing peoples emotions is huge to my sense of depth and connection and therefore makes me want to be intimate with them... this is me... what is it that turns him on? what turns you on to being connected? This is where I wonder if there is a gap in your relationship so far.

I wonder if taking a chance and making yourself more vulnerable to him and asking him to do the same would help... it sounds like you have reached a plateau in your relationship where it might all seem a bit hum drum to him. Would you be willing to go deeper? Or is the fact that he has other partners and your fear that you don't stand up to them in some way holding you back?

I'm not sure here, but I hope that some of what I say resonates with you in some way. Good luck.
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:41 AM
abhainn abhainn is offline
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Wink

Hi Red Pepper, thanks for reply, the lack of connection indeed resonates.

Unless I ask, he doesn't tell me much/anything about his partners, it's almost like they don't exist. On the other hand, I don't know what to ask, and how to ask (learning, though), I feel I'm intruding in his 'private life'.

Sometimes I'm scared of asking, there were many times in the beginning when the answer hurt.

It's such a slow growing into poly, isn't it, and the difficulties change. Early on, I used to scan his flat for signs of other people. The toothbrushes, what a shock I don't do that anymore, my place is more established and secure.

Every time when my level of emotional connection has changed, it has been hard. When love deepens, security lags behind for a moment. That is scary and sad.

As an answer to your question, yes, I think I'd go deeper. Carefully. We are both being very careful in this way, I notice.

And yes, I often feel I can't reach him, and then don't know what to do, how to find the connection.

Good pointers, thank you.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:44 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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"when love deepens, security lags behind a moment".

I found that quite profound. I will remember that.
abhainn I think this place is going to be a great resource for you, don't be a stranger. Lots of basic info about rights that you asked about is on here, I think the admins have organised it so it is easy to find.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:47 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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" when security deepens..." Bollocks forgot it already. Too much wine this morning sorry
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
" when security deepens..." Bollocks forgot it already. Too much wine this morning sorry
too much wine this morning! Geesh! You brits are wild! you start the vodka at noon or... ???
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