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  #1  
Old 11-30-2013, 02:30 PM
EpsilonLyr EpsilonLyr is offline
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Default New poly, first "date"

Ok guys and gals, first off this forum is a beautiful thing and I am so in awe of all who participate. I received some amazing support a few years back with a different situation which ended uneventfully, but now things are getting, um... interesting again.

Been with my wife Leigh for 9 years, married 5. We've both had feelings for other people but she still identifies, oh, 85% mono whereas I'm heavier on the poly. We've never opened our relationship, but by some crazy cosmic serendipity we been having some honest conversations about poly recently. She knows I identify with poly - in theory - although I've been practicing mono forever, and loyal too. I think Leigh's receptive, which is amazing. Hell, just last week I showed her some great articles about poly and the next day she asks me, "do you want to modify the terms of our relationship?"

I do. I really do.

I recently met someone that I am crazy about, Anne. We hit it off immediately, common interests, her flirting, me back, you know the story. Sparks are flying on my end and I can sense that she is attracted to me but I suspect she's holding back because of the ring on my finger. Problem is, I've been afraid to mention my wife, my poly leanings, etc. cuz I don't want to kill the mood between us.

So my question: How should I go about this?

Leigh knows about Anne. I admitted I have feelings for her. So without knowing just how freaked out Leigh will be when I try to open our marriage, the real issue on my mind here is Anne. We've only been on one "date" (yes Leigh knew about it) and it was amazing, but a guy doesn't just come out on the second date and say, "Hey girl I'm crazy about you and oh by the way I want to open my marriage for you." I reiterate... we've only been on one date. Wouldn't that just kill the thrill of the chase? I don't want to throw all the mystique and charged energy out the window by laying it all out there like some business merger. She's got me hooked and I don't want to screw it up. How do I go about easing Anne into the idea, telling her without being so obvious? Thanks all.
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Old 11-30-2013, 03:13 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Leigh knows about Anne. Does Anne know about Leigh? You said she holds back because of the ring on your finger, and yet, she's gone on a 'date' with you. Going on a date doesn't seem exactly like 'holding back.' If she sees a ring on your finger, isn't she already wondering why a married man is going on a date with her? Or is she under the impression you're cheating on your wife?
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Old 11-30-2013, 04:52 PM
EpsilonLyr EpsilonLyr is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
If she sees a ring on your finger, isn't she already wondering why a married man is going on a date with her? Or is she under the impression you're cheating on your wife?
Wow good point. That sounds pretty bad. Anne doesn't know a thing about Leigh, not even her name. I realize now that this was a mistake but I was simply afraid to scare her off. And I know this is just semantics, but it wasn't officially a 'date', it just felt like one. We had lunch and then talked for three hours before class, I drove her to her car, then we talked for another hour there. Although I can tell she has a thing for me, Anne has behaved herself for the most part - she's been largely 'hands off', for what it's worth. But I see what you mean about the intent of Anne meeting with me and not knowing what Leigh thinks or knows.
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Old 11-30-2013, 05:03 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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If you want to practice polyamory, and you want Anne, tell her you've recently opened your marriage, and you're poly. Isn't part of "love" getting to know each other? If you're afraid to scare women off just by being true to yourself and telling the truth, maybe it's time to retreat and see why you are coming across as ashamed of who you are.

OTOH, if you're proud of who you are, and can own it, you'll find the right new partner. If Anne is "scared off" by polyamory, or the way you practice it, well, she's not the right "gal" for you.

Seems pretty straightforward to me. Personally, I date from ok cupid, and my profile states I am ethically non-monogamous, and that I have a live-in gf and a nearby married bf, and am still open to someone who is cool with that.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 38) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, 42, M) since Oct 2015
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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Old 12-02-2013, 04:47 PM
EpsilonLyr EpsilonLyr is offline
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Magdlyn I see your point. I should stop assuming that Anne and I have this unspoken understanding and that we're on the same page. It's pure foolish tunnel vision and it's gonna get me into trouble. I am seeing her today and I am going to work it into the conversation one way or another. I am actually quite curious to know what she will say.

But I've opened my marriage so recently however that I do not hold a lot of hope... it's hard enough to date as a single person; things are so much more complicated this way but that doesn't mean I will give up. Maybe I'm just on a low today. It was a rough weekend with Leigh, but she's damned amazing for even accepting any this and we're still talking, at least. It would be nice if I had more of a support system here in PDX I know they are out there, but reaching out is usually a slow process for me. I'm working on it. Things will have to move slow with all parties regardless.

Great advice. I treasure your wisdom and experience.
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  #6  
Old 12-04-2013, 07:00 PM
EpsilonLyr EpsilonLyr is offline
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update...

Told Anne, she seemed at first kinda excited and into me a little more when I told her my situation two days ago. She even has some poly friends so I could see her being receptive. But now suddenly she's busy and unavailable to spend time which could mean one of two things: the obvious straight-forward surface meaning, or that my fears have been confirmed. Who wants to be with a guy who's still figuring out his primary relationship... the timing just effing sucks.

As for Leigh, we had another fight. Then I get this text which should explain exactly what we fought about: "Please understand my frustration. Wanting to be close to you and achieving that last night was a great feeling. Waking up this morning and being told that you want to be affectionate with someone else is basically a slap in my face. Everything I know about our relationship has been uprooted since Saturday..."

I know this is like clockwork in these situations, it's just not so easy to face when it's... well, in your face. Go figure. And now I feel like I've lost them both. How the hell does a person juggle two vulnerable relationships like this???? I want them both in my life, but that's not 100% up to me and never was. Feeling lost.
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