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Old 11-30-2013, 02:43 AM
Monogamish1 Monogamish1 is offline
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Post Possibly Poly to Mono musings

I was poly. Grew monogamish. Now believe I want mono.

Married Poly former partner. I still want to have him as a partner, but don;t know how to reconcile what I want for him & what I believe I want for myself.

I see two major hurdles to us ever being able to grow old together as partners.
While there are many other issues as well, these are the two big ones:

First major hurdle:
I left him because of feeling hurt and betrayed when he was not being clear to others of his intentions of platonic only, when he told me he wanted only myself and his wife, & how he was subsequently delayed and refused to reassure me by concretely and plainly telling other(s) until I forced the issue.
Feeling like unless he can ever understand how I feel hurt and betrayed by his actions/inactions on this, that this same scenario would play out over & over.

Second major hurdle:
Would it ever be possible to reconcile my wanting mono for myself and wanting a partner mono to me, yet at same time not wanting him to give up his wife or deny his poly nature.

I transitioned my journaling to online here beginning the journal here with working through the communication to others hurts.

Any thoughts & suggestions and experiences are welcome.

Last edited by Monogamish1; 11-30-2013 at 02:43 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 11-30-2013, 03:20 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Monogamish1 View Post
Would it ever be possible to reconcile my wanting mono for myself and wanting a partner mono to me, yet at same time not wanting him to give up his wife or deny his poly nature.
Wanting someone to be mono/exclusive to you is contradictory to wanting them to keep dating or stay married to someone else. Those are opposite ideas.

Did I misunderstand?
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Old 11-30-2013, 03:25 AM
Monogamish1 Monogamish1 is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Wanting someone to be mono/exclusive to you is contradictory to wanting them to keep dating or stay married to someone else. Those are opposite ideas.

Did I misunderstand?
Nope, no misunderstanding.
Hence, the tugging heart.
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Old 11-30-2013, 08:47 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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A lot of people think that if you love someone, you can work through anything. Granted, I think love gives one the motivation to do the hard work, to try a lot of alternatives while looking for solutions. But the truth of the matter is, you can love somebody deeply and not be compatible on a day to day basis.

In your situation, you are mono, and love a poly man - a poly man who appears to be uncomfortable limiting his interactions, despite what he tells you. Does this make him a bad person? No. Does being mono make you a bad person? No. But it does make how you want to conduct your lives and relationships fundamentally different.

If you chose to leave the situation and pursue the configuration you desire, does that mean you don't love him? No, you still will. But it might enable you to stop begrudging who he is. I can assure you has no desire to hurt you, but the hurt you feel is probably one he doesn't fully understand. And just hypothesizing, you probably don't understand the hurts you inflict on him by not accepting who he is.
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Old 12-03-2013, 02:58 AM
Monogamish1 Monogamish1 is offline
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And just hypothesizing, you probably don't understand the hurts you inflict on him by not accepting who he is.
Nope I would fully understand *IF* I were asking him to change who he is how it would hurt. I'm not. I'm just fully aware if what *I* want for myself.
When I was living poly, I once left a partner because he was pushing me to leave my hubby because the hubby didn't treat me right... so I KNOW the hurts that would cause (funny thing was, had he not pushed, I would have left my ex hubby over a decade sooner than I eventually did)
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Old 12-03-2013, 03:44 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by Monogamish1 View Post
Nope I would fully understand *IF* I were asking him to change who he is how it would hurt. I'm not. I'm just fully aware if what *I* want for myself.
When I was living poly, I once left a partner because he was pushing me to leave my hubby because the hubby didn't treat me right... so I KNOW the hurts that would cause (funny thing was, had he not pushed, I would have left my ex hubby over a decade sooner than I eventually did)
Did I misunderstand? Are you not asking him to refrain from pursuing others sexually? Isn't that asking him to change who he is?
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Old 12-09-2013, 12:50 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Monogamish1 View Post
First major hurdle:
I'm wondering if you were being honest with yourself (or if he was being honest with you, or even if he was being honest with himself) about what his feelings and intentions with others actually were. Is it possible that what he actually desired was full romantic relationships with these people, and that the perceived failure to tell others he wanted platonic was actually a failure to tell you that he wanted more than platonic?

Quote:
Second major hurdle:
Well, in the strictest sense, yes... it's possible to want two things at the same time even if those things are mutually exclusive. But if by "reconcile" you mean "meet both wants" then no, it's not possible for him to be mono with you and not give up his wife or deny his poly nature.
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Old 12-09-2013, 05:48 AM
Monogamish1 Monogamish1 is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I'm wondering if you were being honest with yourself (or if he was being honest with you, or even if he was being honest with himself) about what his feelings and intentions with others actually were. Is it possible that what he actually desired was full romantic relationships with these people, and that the perceived failure to tell others he wanted platonic was actually a failure to tell you that he wanted more than platonic?
I've been honest to myself and to him throughout. When I began feeling monogamish, I disclosed it immediately.
As for P, I have questioned, and asked him, if he was being honest with himself. Encouraged him to evaluate what he really wants in relationship(s) and for his future. When actions do not mirror words (not being blatantly clear to others what he was telling me about not seeking other relationships, failing to offer even the least bit of reassurances), I could only wonder if he was not being honest to me, himself, and/or the others. He verbally tells me his desire to be with only me has not changed, and gets immensely upset if I even suggest that he has acted in a deceptive manner.
When he finally did get around to telling C, he chose to say that he and I were "exploring our relationship" rather than we were planning a commitment ceremony and that he was not seeking more than platonic friendship with her. And even with that, he did not then come back to me to reassure me that he had spoken to her.
When someone I love needs reassurance that requires action on my part, I do the action and let them know I have done it. If I am unwilling to do it or want a compromise, I let them know and negotiate. Keeping silent and not taking any action led me to question even further his intentions - If it truly were platonic without wanting to mislead, in my mind it should have been easy to be blatantly honest and then reassure me.

But I digress. My heart wants what it wants. I love him no less because what he wants and what I want do not mesh. I don't want a "manageably unhappy" life. I want him to be happy and I want me to be happy.
If I stay, he will be happy and I will be miserable at least half time.
If I truly end it, we will both be very unhappy for the short term. We both carried a torch for each other for over two decades once already from when we first & it will always ache - the space he occupies in my heart will always be his. I would rather be alone with the potential of having someone who complements (and compliments) me the way P does who can provide that anchor primary relationship. Unless or until I "get over" P enough to move on, anyone who comes along would be a shallow replacement or even worse, a rebound relationship. I'll keep journaling in my blog here until I reach a point where I'm ready to leave him or come to accept feeling like crap and decide to try again with him.

Thanks all for perspectives.
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