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Old 11-27-2013, 05:47 PM
8bit0reo 8bit0reo is offline
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Default I am monogamous and my g/f is polyamorous. I don't know how to handle this...

So long story short, my g/f (now ex-g/f) became a poly during our monogamous relationship of 3 months. I know this sounds like insignificant amount of dating time and nothing to get "worked up over," but its not about letting go of her, but accepting the fact that she is now dating my roommate and friend who told us about polyamory to begin with.
Obviously, she was sold--quickly. I, however, was not and still am not. Not because I am not open-minded or believe monogamy is the ideal relationship, but because I wasn't educated enough to understand the functions of a polyamorous relationship and how to exercise it responsibly.
To be fair, I did discuss with her during our monogamous relationship that if things were not going to work out between us, then I think it would be fine to talk about polyamory as sort of an "experimental trial." However, I never mentioned that my roommate would be an acceptable "secondary" or heard a single peep from her that our relationship is having any serious problems that polyamory can solve. And the key to a successful polyamorous relationship is communication, no?
I understand that she should have the freedom to date who she chooses, but to jump into a relationship with my roommate/friend just to avoid any conflict (her lack of communication leaves me to assume this)? How does a monogamous person handle that? I wasn't ready for all of this and it seems forced upon me. Because she is dating my roommate, I am constantly reminded about how the entire situation unfolded, leaving me to feel betrayed--not jealous.
On a side note: Neither have I or she have read "The Ethical Slut" or much out-sourced material other than from what my roommate has told us. I don't consider him a liar, but even if he has been forward and honest about everything, it is still an appeal-to-authority for her to transition the way she did; leaving me to believe there were alternative motives involved. For example, she probably fantasized about having 2 boyfriends for selfish, unjustified, reasons rather than for her actual needs and the concerns of our relationship.
What should I do about this? All I want to do is to move on from this issue so I can get back to living life...I could move out, but that would risk losing my friendship with my roommate. I don't want to cause drama.
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  #2  
Old 11-27-2013, 06:41 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sigh. I'm sorry you deal in this. I agree with you. Much too fast, and not esp considerate. She sounds impulsive. Though the roomie sounds impulsive also -- it is in poor taste jumping into relationship with your GF without talking to you about it first. Makes living together hella awkward!

Jeez.

Quote:
All I want to do is to move on from this issue so I can get back to living life
If that is goal? GO FOR IT! Focus your behaviors on that goal.

EMOTIONAL & MENTAL HEALTH

I see it's stressy right now, but thinking hard stuff out, and feeling hard emotions isn't forever either. To improve those?

Seems easiest to break up with her, process a break up, and give yourself time to heal.

Could tell them they are free to date how they want but please tone it down around you for the next X weeks so you can adjust to your new reality. That's reasonable under the circumstances.
  • That means no kissyface in front of you in person or on phone where you can hear it. Go to HER place for overnights. Neither tells you their relationship joys or concerns.
  • They can kissyface and overnight wherever they want AFTER you have had you X weeks to adjust to your new reality. STILL don't be telling you their relationship joys or concerns until you feel ready/willing to hear it. (You can keep it to yourself if you NEVER want to hear it. Just tell THEM "I'll let you know when I'm ready...")

Then move on yourself to date someone less impulsive and more considerate of you when you have healed from the break up process.

FINANCIAL HEALTH

Your roomie goes for your GF without getting your goodwill or blessing. If you choose to move out because of the discomfort roomie created, how's that your fault or your behavior damaging the friendship?

Figure out what is best for your financial health. Not everyone can just suck up unexpected moving. If you can afford to and if you need to do it to improve your emotional and mental health and get away from these folks, do so. If you need to stay for a bit and THEN move -- do that. If staying works out, stay.

SPIRITUAL HEALTH

Stick to self-respecting behavior so you aren't dinged in your spiritual health, your core values, etc.

Could call it a bullet dodged for you and steer clear of the impulsive inconsiderate people?

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Dating is about finding compatible people. Sounds like "not impulsive, considerate" might be character traits you want in a dating partner.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-27-2013 at 08:00 PM.
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Old 11-27-2013, 07:20 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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First of all I have to say they are inconsiderate.. I would remove them from my life if that was me.

I believe being honest is key to a successful poly relationship. Communication can be done to death. There are somethings that can remain private. For example I do not share the nitty gritty of my relationships with my other partner.

I do not know who declared ethical slut as the Polyamory Bible. Guess what never have read it. Have no need to read it.

Honestly there is nothing wrong with saying hey my home is my safe zone. I do not need my ex under my nose and requesting they carry their relationship on elsewhere.
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Old 11-28-2013, 01:46 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Polyamory should not be used to fix flaws in a relationship.
Polyamory is not a trial relationship!
Poly works best if the starting relationship has a solid ground, ESPECIALLY if not both/all partners are famililar with polyamory
Communication is the key. Lying and omitting information is the acid that dissolves polyamory
Not all polyamorous "couples" let each other date whomever they choose. Many have some kind of boundries or rules, and these should be discussed PRIOR to embarking on any dating. All parties are responsible for initiating these types of discussions

Monogamous people handle relationships with poly's in different ways. Communication is even more vital then when all involved are poly.

It does not matter what motivation she had for embarking on the relationship (probably she just wanted the guy...). What matters is her conduct towards you, and your motivation for allowing her to start seeing others. This is not a do first, ask later-type of situation. She just seem impulsive, and your rom-mate may very well have gotten your permission directly from you.

You are not causing drama. They are. Take a healthy break, and get some new influence in your life.

For info on poly, I recomend "Upening up" by Tristan Toarmino. Mono-poly is one of her many subjects in the book. I re-read this book all the time.
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Old 12-12-2014, 08:19 AM
sashasuman sashasuman is offline
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I've also found that we don't all agree on what makes a happy relationship, or what we desire from each relationship. For instance, some people are genuinely quite happy to have a comfortable life with a long-term partner they love, without worrying about the loss of NRE. My girlfriend, for example, will often say that she's considers all time with me quality time, even if we're grocery shopping or just watching TV. She'll say that if we're going through a sex drought, it doesn't stress her out, because she appreciates the intimacy between us, like cuddling, massage, etc. For me, it's not enough - I need adventure and change in a long-term relationship. I need actual dates, loving texts, and a great sex life. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the cosy love stuff - it just means that I need more than that. What do you need, and what does your husband need? If you haven't already, why not speak to your husband and discover whether he's been happy with where you guys are at, or whether he wants to inject some life back into your marriage as much as you do?
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Old 12-12-2014, 12:52 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8bit0reo View Post
So long story short, my g/f (now ex-g/f) became a poly during our monogamous relationship of 3 months. I know this sounds like insignificant amount of dating time and nothing to get "worked up over," but its not about letting go of her, but accepting the fact that she is now dating my roommate and friend who told us about polyamory to begin with.

Your situation sounds like what I used to know as common, youthful behavior when I was in my 20s and early 30s. Now "poly" is much more in the public consciousness and what used to be known as youthful and messy experimentation is now being called "poly." Blurring lines in relationships is a stage of life many of us go through, often painfully, but learning as we go and gathering what we need in order to have more stability as we mature. What you're desrcibing sounds much more like garden variety wild oat sowing than it does polyamorous relationships.

I know that Communication is often held up as the golden key to successful poly relationships, but far more important, in my experience, is self-reflection. Not self-recrimination or self-consciousness, but a solid respect for and familiarity with one's own inner being. Maturity, experience and an active inner life go a very long way in building solid, drama-free polyamorous friendships/loveships. There is so much value in being young (or young at heart) and stumbling into messy encounters. This is part of life and how we learn to create better organized relationships. But don't confuse youthful (no matter the actual age) experimentation with "poly." They are not the same thing at all.
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Old 12-12-2014, 01:51 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8bit0reo View Post
... I did discuss with her during our monogamous relationship that if things were not going to work out between us, then I think it would be fine to talk about polyamory as sort of an "experimental trial." However, I never... heard a single peep from her that our relationship is having any serious problems that polyamory can solve.... to jump into a relationship with my roommate/friend just to avoid any conflict... she probably fantasized about having 2 boyfriends for selfish, unjustified, reasons rather than for her actual needs and the concerns of our relationship... What should I do?
What should you do? Understand that her other relationship is in no way a means of solving issues between you and her! You state and restate this misunderstanding as if it's a given. It is not a given! Her desire for another partner should have nothing to do with somehow making things better between you and her.

She is allowed to be "selfish." That is not "unjustified." Her fucking your roommate has nothing to do with "concerns" about You and Her. If you work that out in your head, you'll understand poly a bit better.

However, that said, I do think you all sound very young. Poly is complicated. She might not be poly, she might just be fucking around and experimenting, as young people do. My daugher experimented with poly (-amory or -sexuality) in her late teens and early 20s, then gave it up. Like many young people, she realized she barely knew herself well enough to have one on one r'ships, much less try to juggle 2 or more partners.
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me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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Old 12-12-2014, 01:56 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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And... by the way, what is your roommate thinking, fucking your gf? Sounds extremely awkward and rude of both of them, to be fucking each other under your nose, when you and (ex?) gf were having problems with (not) communicating.

Unlike Galagirl's recommendation, I'd need more than a few weeks to be OK with my roommate (good friend?) and (ex) gf doing "kissyface" right in front of me. That sounds extremely painful and awkward. Ugh.

I hate the expression "bros before hos" but in this case, isn't there some code of honor between you and roommate not to fuck each other's partners? Sheesh. Rude.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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Old 12-12-2014, 03:29 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
And... by the way, what is your roommate thinking, fucking your gf? Sounds extremely awkward and rude of both of them, to be fucking each other under your nose, when you and (ex?) gf were having problems with (not) communicating.

Unlike Galagirl's recommendation, I'd need more than a few weeks to be OK with my roommate (good friend?) and (ex) gf doing "kissyface" right in front of me. That sounds extremely painful and awkward. Ugh.

I hate the expression "bros before hos" but in this case, isn't there some code of honor between you and roommate not to fuck each other's partners? Sheesh. Rude.
This is exactly why I think that the keys "successful" poly are maturity and self-reflection, not communication. Communication is an ingredient to be sure, but not the golden ticket. It takes experience and confidence to know what you want (or want to explore) and what just is crazy out of the question (for you.) Having clear confidence in your own desires weeds out an awful lot of weird situations that younger people tend to fall into on their way to maturity.

The above situation would be a nightmare for me and I know it because I've been there and it's not something I'm lookin for. I'm in the market for people that make my heart sing - that's all.
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Old 12-14-2014, 04:49 AM
mrpockets mrpockets is offline
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Honestly, 3 months is a very short time to know someone and start thinking about things like this at a stage that early in the relationship. One of my ex's and I dated for 3 months, finally broke it off cause I thought she was cheating on me, come to find out, not only was she cheating on me, was the other man to her fiance, who had no idea what was going on behind his back! They were monogamous, but she was just promiscuous. Literally best word for her was slut.

Now, moving on to my fiance and I. We have been together for 4 and a half years, and I just told her the other day that I have never played a Zelda game. Now, I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but the point I am getting at is, did you really know this girl at all, or were you just stuck in the whole new relationship energy with her? Obviously, if she quickly jumped from you to your roommate, then she wasn't using her heart, but her hormones to make decisions.

As for our third, he is a friend of over 2 years that my fiance and I have known, and she just started getting close to him and really getting to know him a couple months back, and they are currently dating now. Will it last, who knows, but right now they are in the phase of getting to know each other. Which leads to major perks for me, as well as him and I bonding better as friends in a triad relationship. My fiance literally told me when we first talked about bringing him on that she wanted not a sex partner, but another relationship. This is a key difference in poly vs swingers!

Ultimately, don't get too upset about the ordeal, the whole there's other fish in the speech will fit in here as well. Just take this as a sign that you two weren't meant to be and get back out there and play the field. Who knows, the next woman may be one of the ones for you.
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