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  #1  
Old 11-27-2013, 02:31 AM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Default What does it take for him to see a problem?

One thing that my hubby and I (married 14 years, three kids) have repeatedly butted heads over (that is an understatement) have been the motivations and ethics of a couple of his partners. This is something I have gotten hypersensitive about because I am just so sick of the same damned issue. Which is, he simply does not want to recognize it if someone else wants to cause trouble in our relationship.

The latest situation involves a woman he dated briefly, whom he ended up as just friends with because he (and I) didn't trust her to be forthcoming about her sexual safety practices and partners. She threw a fit when he told her that a sexual relationship between them wasn't ever going to happen and refused to talk to him for months, They eventually reconnected as penpals and it looked like they were going to be able to restart their in-person friendship too, she was dating a lot and seemed to be finally OK with them just being friends. Then she threw another fit in email where she accused me of being abusive and controlling of him, because I hadn't been OK with him sleeping with her either when we found out that she had failed to disclose things to hubby that he needed to know for his own safety (and mine, and our other partners). She also revealed that she had been talking to former partners of both of ours, people she barely knew, digging for dirt about our relationship, and even claimed that a former lover of mine, who was still my friend, had trashed my character to her, which I did not believe for a second, and still don't. It was really, really ugly.

I wanted my hubby to end the connection immediately, which he was unwilling to do, and continued emailing with her for a while, telling her she was way off base about me and us, etc., but he never really got through to her and she just continued with her drama until he stopped writing.

What bothers me now is that he cannot seem to to see that his "friend" had any negative motivations towards me and our relationship. I know this might sound insane to some. It does to me. I have asked him, just what does a person have to do for you to question their ethics and recognize that they are trying to cause trouble, short of a confession that they are trying to do just that? He doesn't know.

Is there a word for someone who wants to cling to a positive opinion of someone no matter what they say and do? Even if the person attacks someone you care about? This has happened before, this is not the first problematic person he has dated, in fact, we had an even worse situation in the past.

I would utterly reject a partner or a friend who pulled what this woman pulled and I would have done so right away too. He may no longer talk to her, but he doesn't have a problem at all with her ethics, he thinks she just got upset but basically meant well.

I am trying to let go of all this, but I just can't. I feel I need him to recognize what he was dealing with, and he just refuses. This makes me feel very unsafe.
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Old 11-27-2013, 02:59 AM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
Is there a word for someone who wants to cling to a positive opinion of someone no matter what they say and do? Even if the person attacks someone you care about? This has happened before, this is not the first problematic person he has dated, in fact, we had an even worse situation in the past.
Hello, and welcome to the forum.

I suppose the word one would use depends on one's own attitudes and expectations of others. So, your husband may be a generous spirit always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and to hope for the best, or he may simply be naive, or worse.

If he tends to be generous toward others, that may be a good thing on the whole, all else being equal. I don't know your relationship, but I suspect that in your years together you've benefited from that generosity more than once.

(I know I've benefited from the forgiveness, patience and tolerance of others, most especially "Vix", my partner in a 20-year marriage.)

As for whether you should feel unsafe now, do consider that, even if you think he is too willing to give the benefit of the doubt, he did in fact cut off communication with her . . . eventually.

It may be that, in the fullness of time, he'll figure out how to temper his judgment of other people, and to recognize that it is possible to be critical of another person even as you hope for the best for and from them.
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Old 11-27-2013, 06:11 AM
london london is offline
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What does she need to tell you other than negative STD results and that she uses condoms for sex? You weren't discriminating against her due to ignorance about STDs and because she has casual sex, were you? Why are you deciding who your husband sleeps with anyway? Why aren't you letting him make his own decisions where he puts his penis?
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Old 11-27-2013, 12:52 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Thumbs down

She has genital herpes, which she didn't tell him about until after they had messed around. He, and I, made the decision that was something we did not want to risk, especially because they had dated for months and she had never told him. But he still valued his friendship with hHer, just did not want to proceed with a sexual relationship.

It would be nice if we could avoid getting bogged down in discussion of whether my husband should have slept with her or not. He was very relieved at the time that they hadn't had intercourse yet, and relieved when he retested and was fine. And sleeping with her hadn't been a big priority for him at the time anyway, since he already had multiple relationships.
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Old 11-27-2013, 03:20 PM
london london is offline
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Are you sure you don't have herpes? Routine STD tests do not include screening for herpes. Either way, let him deal with his own relationships.
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Old 11-27-2013, 03:52 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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He DID deal with his own relationship, as I have already said. I, and the other people in our sexual network, had some input, as is perfectly appropriate since our sexual healh was at stake too. No, we do not have it, we have both been tested for it multiple times. Not everybody on this board is a newbie with no experience, and I would appreciate if you would stop treating me as one.
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Old 11-29-2013, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
What bothers me now is that he cannot seem to to see that his "friend" had any negative motivations towards me and our relationship... He may no longer talk to her, but he doesn't have a problem at all with her ethics, he thinks she just got upset but basically meant well.
What is your desired outcome here? You want him to hate her guts? To say mean things about her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
I am trying to let go of all this, but I just can't. I feel I need him to recognize what he was dealing with, and he just refuses. This makes me feel very unsafe.
It's important to understand that people don't respond to challenges the same. He seemed to identify that this girl was bad news and eventually cut her off. He gave her another shot, but cut her off again when it was evident that she hadn't changed to an acceptable degree. The fact that he doesn't despise her would simply suggest that he is perhaps more emotionally mature than you are.

I say, stop resenting his attitude about it and start admiring his ability to make safe decisions without being emotionally overwhelmed. Seems to me he is doing just fine.
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Old 11-29-2013, 05:18 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Good questions, Marcus. No, I am not looking for my husband to "despise" this person. Let me be a bit more clear.

She told him, completely unprovoked by any interaction we ever had with her, or that he told her about, that I was abusive, controlling, and that he deserved better. He does not understand that was an attack on me and my character. He does not see that she was trying to cause trouble in our marriage at all. He does not see that she was likely angry at him too, for sexually rejecting her. He wants to see her as some well-meaning person who was just "upset."

I am very sensitive to this because someone he dated briefly in the distant past threatened me with bodily harm, and he reacted the same way. "She didn't mean it, she's a terrific person, she was just upset."

I want a zero-tolerance policy on people who seek to cause discord and extreme drama, and I want him to condemn that sort of behavior so we don't end up with yet another person like that in our lives. I do not need him to condemn the person, but I do need him to condemn the behavior. He refuses, because he doesn't want to recognize that the behavior existed, even if he did stop talking to her.

Last edited by scarletzinnia; 11-29-2013 at 05:22 PM.
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Old 11-29-2013, 05:33 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
Good questions, Marcus. No, I am not looking for my husband to "despise" this person. Let me be a bit more clear.

She told him, completely unprovoked by any interaction we ever had with her, or that he told her about, that I was abusive, controlling, and that he deserved better. He does not understand that was an attack on me and my character. He does not see that she was trying to cause trouble in our marriage at all. He does not see that she was likely angry at him too, for sexually rejecting her. He wants to see her as some well-meaning person who was just "upset."
Not to put too fine a point on it, but she's entitled to her opinion, and he's entitled to responding to her opinion however he chooses.

If hearing about the details about his relationships is distressing to you then I suggest you let him know that you don't want to hear those kinds of details anymore. "Honey, if one of your girls thinks I'm a nasty old bag, please feel free to not pass that information on"

Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
I am very sensitive to this because someone he dated in the distant past threatened me with bodily harm, and he reacted the same way. "She didn't mean it, she was just upset."
I recommend keeping the conversations distinct so that you don't have an emotional snowball kind of reaction. Lumping a threat of violence together with someone saying they don't like you is just going to muddy the waters.

If someone doesn't like you, that's a non-issue.
If someone threatens to attack you... call the police.
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Old 11-29-2013, 07:49 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is online now
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Not to put too fine a point on it, but she's entitled to her opinion, and he's entitled to responding to her opinion however he chooses.
And yet, most people like to feel that the person who is supposed to love them more than anyone in the world has their back and would be affected by hearing the one they supposedly love run down. She's certainly entitled to her feelings about his response.

London, whatever the reason, it simply doesn't add up to claim BOTH that the vast majority of people have a disease AND that it is extremely hard to catch. Not having sex with a person is not the same as 'ostracizing' them.
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