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  #1  
Old 02-08-2011, 03:14 AM
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Honestheart Honestheart is offline
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Unhappy For those in a Mono- Poly realtionsip...a scenario

welll for anybody who wants to talk actually buuuut...
If you were in a Poly mono V, where as you were the Mono and things fell apart for whatever reason. would you choose to go back to another poly relationship?
further question... and what if the reasons for the break down of the relationship were being promised to be worked on or were no longer an issue? would u go back? or stay away from poly?
further question.... what if you'd started to move on. knew you love said person(s) in said former poly V but had begun the process of moving on. ie: not dating anybody new but emotionally moving forward. would you emotionally back up towards poly? or move forward to monogamy?

fyi: I WILL MAKE UP MY OWN MIND and I hate doing this, posing a question in a forum using a hypothetical when you all know very well its about me. and i know a lot of people's pet peeves are about this type of post. but please help if you can... thanks,. I'm interested in knowing perspectives. i will make up my own mind, but...hearing others perspective and points of views...helps... and mostly... support.
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Last edited by Honestheart; 02-08-2011 at 03:23 AM.
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Old 02-08-2011, 10:25 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Default That's a good question...

Hi honestheart,

My wife is now poly , we were monogamous for 20 years, her other guy and I are both mono and don't want anyone else.
For me, this relationship is the one and only, we have no back up plan, if the relationship got wrecked to the point of no return it would be a disaster.
We were only talking about this yesterday, we feel MORE committed now and our marriage is stronger and safer...but that's us. We have worked very hard on this the last 6 months.

As for moving on, any situation where I was on my own again....I don't think I would look for anything in a relationship any more, my kids would be my priority till they could look after themselves.....ironically I might get involved in a poly relationship but only as a (mono) secondary where I could give and take love and affection but walk away from any bullshit if there were problems....not interested in negative bullshit..
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Last edited by vodkafan; 02-08-2011 at 10:28 AM.
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Old 02-08-2011, 11:20 AM
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@Honest Heart

It's a bit of a difficult post to follow but I'll give it a go.

If you were in a Poly mono V, where as you were the Mono and things fell apart for whatever reason. would you choose to go back to another poly relationship? I've been asked this before and each time I have a slightly different answer. I wouldn't look for a poly in particular but I also wouldn't discount someone because they were poly.

As for going back I probably would if work had been done etc. But I'm older and wonderful men are not bountiful.

Hope it helps, sorry you're sad.
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Old 02-08-2011, 04:33 PM
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I would only go back to a relationship if I felt there was potential there still, for growth, change, movement, satisfaction, happiness. I don't think my partner being poly, whether I am mono or not, would necessarily make that more possible or less. Each relationship has its own pros and cons. If you feel that you're not getting what you need to be happy, it takes assessment to figure out what you need and want, and how to get it. Your needs, wants, and desires might have to come from your partner, from work you do on yourself, or a combo of both.

As for whether or not I would elect to get into a poly situation again, that would also depend on looking at the "players" involved and to judge whether or not it is something I want to be in. It depends on who it is, and how I feel when I am with that person. If I'm a mono, I wouldn't seek out poly, nor would I swear it off if a poly situation had "gone wrong." But if I met someone who was poly and there was an attraction there, I would choose to involve myself based on the same criteria I would for a mono relationship. Basically, I always ask, how do I feel when I'm with them, and how do I feel after they've left? Do I feel good about myself, about being who I am when I am with them?
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-08-2011 at 10:35 PM.
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Old 02-08-2011, 05:04 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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hi honestheart,
I've been in this a short time and married for 15yrs. My main concern is for my kids at the moment 10 and 13yr old. I am free to develop an outside relationship if I want to however I can't imagine that making me have more love and or affection for my wife I think the opposite would be true. You see in my case the time, dates, and even sex feels as it is being done out of fairness or obligation. Not an uncommon complaint or consequence of the poly lifestyle. I really don't want to go on a pity date, or have pity sex. At least right now... ask me in again in a couple of months that may change.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to be gym class... Mon Wed alternate Fridays. People say its NRE. That's all great however this a dynamic every action has reaction and or fallout.

Recently I suggested to my wife I take on the role of a secondary. That was met with some resistance which I don't understand yet... more work on my part.

Do you like endless Drama or any type of drama?? I coach 13yrs girls soccer and I was taking three of the girls somewhere and I ask where was the rest of the gang... two or three were missing. One said "the more girls the more drama".... I think this is very true when it comes to matters of the heart and with this its multiplied.

Do you mind sharing your partners time??? I do things very spontaneously which is not a great match for this type of relationship. I have to say I've all but stopped doing that after being told a few times she had other plans. I have no idea how some people have 3 or 4 partners from just the time standpoint alone.

How old are you? I'm not sure how it would be for each age range and gender but I can tell you for me ever since I stopped wearing my wedding band women at the health club and dog park are more chatty and the ladies that hang at my morning coffee shop seem to want to start up conversations.

I get the poly mind set... I think I had it in high school and college and up into my late 20's. I may have just burned myself out or something. If i do start some type of outside relationship I'm afraid my current one may look like more of a business partnership. Which is why I'm not actively pushing it.

You deserve to be happy... we all do. Really think what would make you happy. Some say their partner is worth the effort and pain/coping or whatever the correct word is for that situation. I look at it from a numbers stand point ...there's got to be hundreds or thousands or hundreds of thousands of potential partners that want to devote their full time and focus to you and you to them. Could be a better long term match. Short term if you're young? .....have fun, and see what happens.

I think being in secondary role has a lot of freedom and flexibility built into it. You can kind of shape what you want, or don't want. I've been invited to take a cross country motorcycle trip for years.... wife always thought too dangerous too expensive, or who knows what the truth is... bottom line she was against said trip. Now I don't give a shit what she thinks, if I want to go I'm going to go!

So Bottom line... BE HAPPY AND HAVE FUN regardless of the relationship dynamic. If poly works... great if it doesn't well that's ok Use your emotions as a guidance system to keep you on coarse. If it feels good, having fun go forward .... feeling pain, hurt, depression, guilt, time to check the gps and get back on the highlighted route. Good luck D
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Old 02-08-2011, 05:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I'm going to go!

Holy crap I love the honesty in this post! I must admit I am glad you are doing things that you have denied yourself in the past especially motorcycle trips. I can relate to the draw of reverting to a secondary role as well. It does seem to offer a freedom or ease turmoil related to other partners entering the mix. The sad thing is I think this comes from a need to devalue the relationship in order to cope with the introduction of new partners...I get that even though it's not a very nice thing. I've offered something similar to Redpepper but she sees that as saying "no" to other relationships forming

As far as sudden changes to plans...perhaps a calendar would help. You will both need more structure but it could ease a few things around this.

Now stop typing and start packing for that trip!
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Old 02-08-2011, 05:55 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I've been in this a short time and married for 15yrs. My main concern is for my kids at the moment 10 and 13yr old. I am free to develop an outside relationship if I want to however I can't imagine that making me have more love and or affection for my wife I think the opposite would be true. You see in my case the time, dates, and even sex feels as it is being done out of fairness or obligation. Not an uncommon complaint or consequence of the poly lifestyle. I really don't want to go on a pity date, or have pity sex. At least right now... ask me in again in a couple of months that may change.
I'd have to say, the dates and sex out of obligation has probably more to do with being married 15 yrs than because of poly. I've been married 20 yrs and there was a LONG spell where everything we did together as a couple was forced and out of obligation, because we should, not because we really wanted to spend time with each other. Does she see it as "keeping things even" or is that just how you are feeling as you struggle with things?

How does she feel about doing thing on the spur of the moment? My husband is like this and I hate it most of the time. I am a planner and last minute changes really throw me for a loop. Right now, he is so overly involved in outside activities that he has to schedule everything, which is working for me .

Sorry for the highjack

@ Honestheart: There was a time when I vowed that if I ended my marriage, I would never get married again. Not to say I wouldn't date, but I would never marry again, but now, I have no opinion either way. I think alot depends on the situation and what you think you can handle and accept. Accepting poly as a change to an existing mono relationship is different that going into a new relationship knowing it will be poly from the start. Going back can be tricky, it can be easy to slip back into old habits and get complacent.
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Old 02-09-2011, 04:57 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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to mono and sneacail

As I dont know protocol I'm reluctant to reply or hijack this thread. guidance form the mods would be appreciated. Perhaps I could rely in the thread I started Primary status rejected.? Thanks D
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