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Old 11-17-2013, 04:33 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Unhappy New partner - is young and I need advice

My new boyfriend is 22 and I am almost 42. He is in the air force as a fuel system repair specialist. KW and I started chatting on OKC back in Aug and then I kind of stopped due to other potentials that were a bit older and at that time I wasn't sure of number of days we could meet but kept it simple at once a week. The beginning of this month I saw he looked at my profile so I sent a "hi" to him. Conversation ensued and we began to discuss meeting and he said "It'd be nice to see you more than probably once a week too".

We then started texting again. We had a date on the 9th and then saw each other again on the 14th. Between the two dates, he wasn't texting me as much (he has worked 3 weeks straight with a week worth of 12 hour shifts) as before the first date (which was not consistent on either of our ends). I started to get into whacky doubting world and finally just sent him this:

"i like you & that's why we lost contact b4. hub and i were still working through accepting we'd be dating others. I didn't want you to be a part of that so I waited until the time was right to really connect with you. I've enjoyed our conversations from b4 & recently.

And u & i never discussed this but I am poly, that means to me that if you are dating/seeing more than me I AM VERY OK about it. I just ask for respect & honesty, let me know.

You say you want me & my mind says you do. Yet ur actions & my gut says maybe u r worried if u tell me u r not interested/didn't feel a connection i'll "freak" or something crazy.

I honestly won't if you changed your mind about seeing me & last sat was just casual nsa. I just need to know so I can either think about you or move on & start the "search" again.

Sorry this is long...its what is on my mind & i can't be in this weird mental place not really know what to expect".

He replied back about how when he's at work he's the lowest ranking guy, he does all the work and doesn't have cell on him..."i want to continue seeing you".

I tell him I understand work, just that he was sending me morning "hello's" and then stopped but then said he'd try to keep those up.

The next day we have a date and we have a great discussion about us, my expectations, he said he might have a date with another girl, but wasn't sure. I said just let me know and I did admit I might feel a bit of jealousy but I can deal with it. He thinks jealousy is normal.

We had a great night talking, making love, getting to know each other.

I asked about making set days ours to see each other. Possibly Sat (which was yesterday) and he let me know he had plans. He did text me a little Friday and yesterday told me he's working on his car....and then silence, again.

I know my choice is to continue and discuss with him what I actually need. Set days to see each other and if he has to cancel that is ok, but some sort of structure. I also realize he is 22 (had been married for a year when he first enlisted and she didn't like it out here and they divorced) and that men at that age, well they do forget about keeping in communication. Heck some of the first arguments my DH and I had were exactly this at this age.

I don't want to do the long text again, I feel that is coming off as too needy. I actually just feel better writing it out, but I am still just torn about how to still be patient but demanding at the same time with him.

If I didn't feel a strong emotional connection with him, I would really be moving on and figure this is what dating is all about. I know he feels that connection too; otherwise we definitely wouldn't be spending over 5 hours together when we see each other.

I also know my problem is when I want something, I want it now. I want resolution and want it planned out. I'm a capricorn and know that if I was some other type of personality, I'd be doing better. Also, now that I'm finally experiencing that beginning nre, I want more of it and that is my problem I need to resolve.

Well I'm not sure any one can advise me but thanks all the same if you just read this or to have some thoughts.
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Old 11-17-2013, 04:52 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default 22?

Honestly, he's 22, if he's like any other 22 year old, he likely has very little idea what he wants....enjoys dating...may or may not want structure, but isn't likely to set it himself.

I"m not saying DON'T date him, but people truly do go through lots of changes between 20 and 30....I'd say more than any other period.

If you don't mind being flexible and understanding with him, though, I'd say go for it. You both seem to really like each other. Just know it'll likely be a lot of ups and downs with him, as he adjusts naturally to what he really wants, will be dating others, more or less seriously.

In other words, I'd have fun, but wouldn't count on him being there for you in ten years. Trying to force him to be part of your structure now will likely only scare him off and ruin the fun for both of you.

So, have fun
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Old 11-17-2013, 05:28 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Default you are right and i know, thank you

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Honestly, he's 22, if he's like any other 22 year old, he likely has very little idea what he wants....enjoys dating...may or may not want structure, but isn't likely to set it himself.

I"m not saying DON'T date him, but people truly do go through lots of changes between 20 and 30....I'd say more than any other period.

If you don't mind being flexible and understanding with him, though, I'd say go for it. You both seem to really like each other. Just know it'll likely be a lot of ups and downs with him, as he adjusts naturally to what he really wants, will be dating others, more or less seriously.

In other words, I'd have fun, but wouldn't count on him being there for you in ten years. Trying to force him to be part of your structure now will likely only scare him off and ruin the fun for both of you.

So, have fun
THANK YOU SO MUCH, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'VE NEEDED TO HEAR and not have it come from my husband.

The structure, I think he may not want due to being in the military. He already has so much structure from that. And his interest in me has to do with the assumption I'll have patience to understand his life. Which I do and I know I haven't been able to utilize recently. My side of it is I have surgery Dec 5th for possible thyroid cancer. I want as much time with him between now until then because I don't know how long my recovery will be, it just depends on if it is benign or not, and I may not be up to dating right away. I posted about it on my blog. I could be up and back at life within a few days, I could have to go back in for full removal of the thyroid if it is cancer....so in my personal life, I have a lot of unknowns going on.

Definitely a lot of ups and downs right now. And this weekend is his first off in 3 weeks. He is most definitely recouping and enjoying himself and going out (which I honestly think is awesome that he does, I was partying all the time at that age so I do not want to make him stop being who he is at all). I am willing to adjust my expectations and needs. I guess when he says he wants more than once I week, I jumped on that since I have only the opportunity for twice a week. I have realized he may want more than one time a week but in reality can only give that, not more.

I came into this knowing it'll be short term with him. He's military so there is every possibility any day he could get a transfer, even if he tells me his base is the "black hole" and he'll probably be here forever. Or that he could fall in love with some one else and realizes he's mono. Then there is the possibility he could have insecurities about dating a poly married woman. DH said he could also feel some jealousy that my time is limited too or that he doesn't get to wake up with me due to DH's work schedule on the weekend.

I so don't want to force him into my structure. When we decided to open ourselves to poly, I agreed to some flexible boundaries on dating that was very structured & had some rules applied to it. Now that DH is in NRE with MG, he asked me to allow our poly relationships to be fluid and grow as organically as they can, meaning utilize opportunities to see OSO's (other significant others) when it comes. So now I am finding my opportunities to be limited by DH's desires. Possibility DH and I need to re-address being able to date others at same time instead of different nights/days of the week. Guess I'm feeling confused not by just KW but DH as well.

I do like structure so I need to come to terms with that within myself and move forward.

I was thinking of texting this to him, but am holding off to chew on it and make sure it's not overly needy sounding or controlling:

"Hey you. I want to see you sooner than later. 3 Thursdays from now is my surgery {he is aware of this and the possibilities of the outcome since i have discussed with him}.

I'd like to have at least one "date" this week & next week. I only could on Mon or Tues surgery week.

I look forward to hearing from you today. I am having a lot of fun when we're together & would like some more of it before the 5th"

What does any one think about texting that to him? Is it too needy or should I just wait for him to text me first? I know I'm a grown woman and should be able to make this decision for myself. Dating is all new to me and with a young guy, not too sure how to not come off too strong.
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Last edited by alibabe_muse; 11-17-2013 at 05:33 PM.
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Old 11-17-2013, 05:39 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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oh, our 2nd scheduled date he had to raincheck because he forgot he had plans in place with his best friend/roommate. in my text do i address that, asking him if he made any other plans for that day?

added:

i also had to start this last weekend a low iodine diet. it's not taking salt out, but not ingesting iodized salt (which is in everything even bread), any sea food, dairy products (because they treat cow's teats with iodine and the fertilizers could have iodine in it). so i am also going through some physical adjustments to the change in diet too. maybe i shouldn't have met him when i did. but then i'd be dealing with envy. guess we win some and lose some.
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bassman (was DH) - 40's male (blueeyeddevil), poly, father of our 3 children, my husband
MY BLOG

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 11-17-2013 at 05:50 PM.
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Old 11-17-2013, 05:55 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I have not dated anyone so young, but I have a 23 year old coworker (I turn 50 this month). He is so sharp, I sometimes forget his youth. However. I am well aware of the fact that he has so much yet to experience in life about EVERYTHING.

One evening, my young coworker randomly invited me over to watch a movie, stating he could never watch it with someone who didn't understand (the movie related to our line of work - financial industry). I honestly didn't know if that was true or if it was an excuse for some kind of booty call. Turned out his initial statement was genuine, and he just wanted someone to hang out with. (LOL! I didn't know if I was relieved or disappointed!)

Anyway, I had to get my head right in case... I think when you get involved with someone so young, you need to treat what they have to give as joy - but a joy that may be short-lived. They need to experience life, date around, may want to get married and have kids, may be poly themselves and keep you in their lives, but it's really not fair to them or to you to expect a long term partnership. (I am not saying it is impossible, just unlikely.)

Additionally, people that age are pretty wrapped up in themselves. Doesn't mean they don't want to be with you, just that whatever is going on right at the moment is going to have their total focus. At that age they really can't be wrapped up in what you need. In fact, he probably sees you as a confident in woman with a lot going on her life, and doesn't realize he needs to validate your relationship in any way.

As to your message to him...., I don't think it hurts to remind him about the time frame for the surgery (sorry you are having to deal with that, btw!), but maybe a more casual statement. "The thyroid surgery is weighing on me. What does your schedule look like over the next three weeks? I'd love to see you a few times before then." This totally skips the scheduling issue. He may give you a schedule, but you won't come off sounding like you want to control his schedule.
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Old 11-17-2013, 07:03 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Anyway, I had to get my head right in case... I think when you get involved with someone so young, you need to treat what they have to give as joy - but a joy that may be short-lived. They need to experience life, date around, may want to get married and have kids, may be poly themselves and keep you in their lives, but it's really not fair to them or to you to expect a long term partnership. (I am not saying it is impossible, just unlikely.)
I like that concept. He does give me joy and even if it'll be short term, I do want to be fair to him. He does want a relationship, but we have not discussed beyond continuing to see each other. There are things I prefer discussing in person and this will be one of them. To enjoy our time together and not put any expectations on it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Additionally, people that age are pretty wrapped up in themselves. Doesn't mean they don't want to be with you, just that whatever is going on right at the moment is going to have their total focus. At that age they really can't be wrapped up in what you need. In fact, he probably sees you as a confident woman with a lot going on her life, and doesn't realize he needs to validate your relationship in any way.
Yeah I'm sure he does. And I do think if I didn't have this whole thyroid thing going on, I wouldn't be so whacky about spending time with him. He did tell me he was concerned about my seeing him having an effect on my children {surprised me he thought about that at all). We talked a bit about it and I explained to him that DH and I have that figured out so the kids would not be lacking a parent at home. He also asked if he'd ever get to come to my place. I said that would depend on how we evolve and would be some time down the road, could be soon, could be later.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
As to your message to him...., I don't think it hurts to remind him about the time frame for the surgery (sorry you are having to deal with that, btw!),
Thank you. It's been in a "tumor" status for almost 3 years now. It'll be a relief to finally have it done and over with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
but maybe a more casual statement. "The thyroid surgery is weighing on me. What does your schedule look like over the next three weeks? I'd love to see you a few times before then." This totally skips the scheduling issue. He may give you a schedule, but you won't come off sounding like you want to control his schedule.
That is perfect. I tend to be wordy and over say in these situations.

Thank you Bookbug for your perspective.
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bassman (was DH) - 40's male (blueeyeddevil), poly, father of our 3 children, my husband
MY BLOG
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Old 11-17-2013, 10:16 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Hie,

my guy is 26 and said right away he was in it for the long houl. 22 is young, but he is an adult and want to be in a relationship with you. It may be too soon to plan a long-term relationship, but don't rule it out. If you treat him like you booty call, that is what you will be to each other. I don't mean plan your 2nd wedding next week, but everybody has got to plan their lives a little. Tell him; "I know you possably dislike being told what to do, and even plan much in your spare time. I want to respect your freedom. At the same time I plan the other stuff in my life and so do you. How can we practicall see to it that we get to see each other? I would like to make you a priority"
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