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  #1  
Old 11-16-2013, 11:25 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Please Help! Boundary Issue

The short story is been married 15 year. Husband has GF who he sees once a week.

Sex parties are "big" part of GF life. About a year ago my husband and I nogoiated that he would not go to sex parties because they make me really uncomfortable.

We tonight is their night together. I asked were they were going (just casually) and he said a "play party." We decided that was cool because I am fine with SM..but it turns out it IS a sex party.

A couple of things:

1. I feel once again devistated because the GF went behind my back and invited him when she knows it's part of our boundaries. He went along with it, by just saying yes and not finding out where they were going.

2. She says that I am being controling but from reading 100s of posts here, it was my understanding that the primary partner is perfectly in their rights to nogiate what their partner can and can't do. For example, many people don't want their partner to KISS someone before meeting them...are my standards too high? Am I being controling?

3. They invited me (after it all came out) to attend the sex party. I am thinking of doing it so i know what it's like in reality versus my imagination. I am curious and very slightly turned on, but I have had bad experiences with friends doing meth and having orgies. I am also pretty sexually conservative. Frankly, I'm scared and grossed out to go...should I go?

4. GF says she feels secondary. But she wants him to herslef. Doesn't want to be friends with me or our kids...I guess she wants him once a week and as if he's single ie no boundaries or calls from me...

Any advice? The other issue is there is no communication between her and I .. only "she said" from husband. She doesn't WANT to communicate with me. I told husband why didn't they just come to me and talk. Even if I said no, at least we were communicating. But, she prefers to sneak...

Please help for a confused friend!
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  #2  
Old 11-17-2013, 12:13 AM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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You can't set boundaries on her, but you can definitely talk to your husband. If you set these boundaries as part of your negotiations with him, he should abide by them or re-negotiate with you regardless of her desires. Their relationship is not yours and your relationship is not hers. You can't tell them how to run their relationship and she can't invalidate your negotiations with him. I doubt the sex parties include meth, so I would encourage you to check one out for yourself, but only if you are ready. Leave out she said stuff. His relationship with you is between you and the two of you need to discuss this. Trust is very important, and you need to trust him to hold to your negotiations regardless of outside influence. He needs to trust that he can come to you and have a rational discussion if he wants to renegotiate. I suggest you talk to him about how important this is and how you feel so you can work it out between you.
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Old 11-17-2013, 12:14 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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On points 2 and 4, yes, in my opinion you're sticking your nose in where it's not needed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
2. She says that I am being controling but from reading 100s of posts here, it was my understanding that the primary partner is perfectly in their rights to nogiate what their partner can and can't do
You are perfectly within your rights to ask, but he is within his to say no and you certainly don't get to dictate what she should find acceptable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
4. GF says she feels secondary. But she wants him to herslef. Doesn't want to be friends with me or our kids...I guess she wants him once a week and as if he's single ie no boundaries or calls from me...
Why can't you allow them one night per week without interference? Do you interrupt their dates often? If so, why on earth would you expect her to find such behaviour reasonable? Would you, if the situation were reversed?
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  #4  
Old 11-17-2013, 12:27 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default sex parties

I asked him not to go...he agreed to that. He told her he didn't want to go. She persisted. She went behind my back asking him to another "sex party" he assumed it was a SM party.

I don't interrupt their dates. Of course that is 100 percent fair. What she means is that she doesn't want me to ask him not to go to sex party because she feels that is controlling her time. However, it is something I requested and he agreed to.
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Old 11-17-2013, 12:38 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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In that case it needs to be between her and your husband, who may be exacerbating the problem by the way he explains things.

Once the two of you have agreed to something he needs to take equal ownership of it. Does he say "I won't go to sex parties with you", or "My wife says I can't go to sex parties with you"? The former makes it something that is what he will or won't do by his own volition. The latter sets you up as a controlling bad guy by sidestepping the fact that he agreed to the situation himself. If he's taking the second option he needs to re-think his wording.
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  #6  
Old 11-17-2013, 01:19 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Stop the focus on her. Focus on him, and what he is doing. It is responsability to convey to anyone he is with what HE, as an adult, has decided not to do.

Talk to you husband. Get him to initiate some kind of contact between the two of you. Metamours should be able to at least talk to each other. also, communication is so much easier when your husband does not have to to all this message-carrrying.

Go to at least one sex party, just as someone watching. See for yourself what it is like. You can take your husband with you if you like, or someone else you trust. Be curious; it you don't like it, why? This may help you with your arguments should you contiue to veto him not freqnenting these parties.

Consider how your husband's girlfriend can be included in your life. Is that what she wants? Or does she want more time with him alone? How can it be arranged? What are you willing to do to open up your heart and home to her - and vice verca?
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Old 11-17-2013, 01:31 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Butch has ABSOLUTELY NO SAY IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MURF.

He has no say about what we do, what we do, and so on.

IMO butt out of their relationship.
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  #8  
Old 11-17-2013, 10:24 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
It affects me emotionally. I have (a perhaps unfair) IDEA of what they are like from my experience with my friend's gay meth scene. Him going to these parties worries me that he is not the person I thoguh he was...we are not a right match...and I don't want that kind of lifestyle.
Your discussions about sex parties, particularly the drug parts and losing a friend to HIV, are pretty much identical to another user who was here with pretty much the same question a while back.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30617

That wouldn't to be you, would it? I fear that you didn't like the answers you got then so you came back hoping for different answers this time. I'm afraid you won't find them. We're usually fairly consistent on the point of controlling the behaviour of metamours.

Quote:
I guess the bottom line fear is that he is more like GF than me and he will leave me for her because their sexual needs are different. My idea of a "hot" time is an intense conversation over a beer holding hands. Neither of them are interested in (or that capable of) intense conversation. To my mind, they get intamacy and connection through fucking and that is something I just don't understand.
You don't have to understand it. But you could try to accept it. He agreed not to go to them, and later decided he didn't like them either. You could take that as evidence that if he wanted wild sex more than the intimacy he finds with you, he would have left already.
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  #9  
Old 11-19-2013, 01:37 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Your discussions about sex parties, particularly the drug parts and losing a friend to HIV, are pretty much identical to another user who was here with pretty much the same question a while back.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30617

That wouldn't to be you, would it? I fear that you didn't like the answers you got then so you came back hoping for different answers this time. I'm afraid you won't find them. We're usually fairly consistent on the point of controlling the behaviour of metamours.
I was reading this thread thinking I KNOW I HAVE READ THIS EXACT SAME STORY ON THIS BOARD BEFORE.
THank you for finding it-because I have a crapload of homework to do-and don't have time to search.

I tend to agree.
We (myself and Maca and myself and GG) agree that sex-parties are not an option.
BUT if one of them opted to participate in them-I would stop having sex with them. It's a matter of MY right to choose what I do with my body. But it's not my place to tell them that they CAN NOT do something with their body that doesn't pertain to my body.

You don't have to understand it. But you could try to accept it. He agreed not to go to them, and later decided he didn't like them either. You could take that as evidence that if he wanted wild sex more than the intimacy he finds with you, he would have left already.
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  #10  
Old 11-19-2013, 12:07 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Well, what the heck? You guys have good memories. That thread was from just over one year ago.

From the previous thread:

Quote:
So, my husband and I have been married 11 years, poly for three. I had one long-distance 2 yr affair and some flings. he has his first girlfriend. Last night, we went out with the GF and it came out that they had had sex in front of people at a sex party,. This is my own issue and I'm trying not to judge. I am really upset by sex parties because my best fr iend has been a gay sex meth addict for 15 years. It is really difficult for me to conceptualize that these parties are safe and innocent. My husband also lied to me and downplayed the party because he knew I'd be upset. So, he put me and his lover (who I must say is a lovely honest person) in an akward position.
...

My husband's GF also has had sex parties at her house. My husband says he won't go to them anymore if they make me unfotable, but I'm just freaked out.
So, a whole year has gone by and you're still stuck on the same issue of whether or not your h is going to go to his second sex party? You're still correlating it with your meth addicted friend who goes to weekly drug fueled orgies? Even though you think your h's gf is a lovely honest person (and I assume, not a meth head)?
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