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  #1  
Old 11-14-2013, 02:46 AM
Zsuzsanna Zsuzsanna is offline
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Default Can you co-parent a newborn baby with a lover and live separately?

I live alone in my own property and want to have a baby.
I have a lover who is not a partner nor in defacto relationship, but there is an option to put them on the birth certificate as the other parent.
Is it unrealistic to expect we can live separately whilst co-parenting a new born?
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Old 11-14-2013, 03:45 AM
peabean peabean is offline
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In my experience, it is unrealistic to expect you can live separately while co-parenting. Newborns require an incredible amount of time and energy. If you intend to nurse it won't be easy to leave the baby with a different person for a number of months.

Is there some benefit to putting this person on the birth certificate? How much involvement is this person expecting to have with the child?
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Old 11-14-2013, 04:28 AM
Zsuzsanna Zsuzsanna is offline
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Hmm, thanks so much for your thoughts.
I am just wondering about being able to maintain independence/solo poly/space (without becoming financially entwined, co dependent) but also being able to share co-parenting joys/responsibilities with someone..
Sharing baby without the coupledom (and everything associated), I suppose.
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Old 11-14-2013, 04:40 AM
Zsuzsanna Zsuzsanna is offline
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Our houses are close by...
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  #5  
Old 11-14-2013, 04:56 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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Breastfeeding would be damn near impossible-at least for the first 3-6 months while co-parenting separate, because they need to eat every 2-4 hours and if breastfeeding-that requires mom. Period.

BUT-it is absolutely possible to co-parent while living separately if you aren't breastfeeding or after you finish breastfeeding.

Furthermore-there is nothing stopping a lover who lives separately from being there part time to care for the baby. Just not likely to be able to manage equal split if you are breastfeeding. Due to the feeding constraints.

Many courts give parents split time who divorce (and yes, this often happens before the birth of an already conceived child).

With under school age, it's common for them to do a 3 day/4 day split. Meaning, child lives with one parent 3 days one week, 4 days with the other parent, then the following week, 4 days with the first parent and 3 days with the other. This (in my experience as we did it by court order with my stepson) SUCKS if you don't get along.
But-if you get along well and live near each other-that wouldn't be so bad.

We lived separately for a year and a half with 4 kids who went back and forth whenever they wanted to. It was no big deal. We were dating, weren't able to function sharing a home at the time-but were definitely wanting to continue co-parenting and seeing each other.
It was really-not a big deal BECAUSE we worked together and got along. So for example, whoever's home the child was sleeping at, the other one went over to tuck them in at night (we were only 1/2 a mile apart).

Short answer=yes it can be done.
But it requires you to be very well connected in working together and possibly need to be creative.
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:13 AM
london london is offline
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You can absolutely breastfeed and co parent in this way. When you are away from your baby, express milk and someone else can feed that expressed milk to the baby via bottle or cup. True, it's advisable to make sure baby is breastfeeding efficiently before you get bottles involved but cup feeding is a good alternative in the meantime. Plenty of babies are breast and bottle fed from day 1 though and don't have any issues.
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Old 11-14-2013, 03:33 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zsuzsanna View Post
I live alone in my own property and want to have a baby.
I have a lover who is not a partner nor in defacto relationship, but there is an option to put them on the birth certificate as the other parent.
Is it unrealistic to expect we can live separately whilst co-parenting a new born?
Of course you can. But are you sure you won't resent your other partner for not being there for you enough? And are you sure you can care for a newborn alone, without neglecting the child? You have to put the child's needs first.
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Old 11-14-2013, 04:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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It really does take a village.

Plan it out.

When are you going back to paid work outside the home?

Who will come and hold the baby every night because she hasnt let you put her down all day and youre still in your nightgown, no shower and have barely eaten? This "dont put me down" need can happen at any age, newborn, teething time, when she has a cold, etc.

Do you have other relatives or friends or paid babysitters or daycare of some kind to fill in when your sperm donor isnt around?

As above, do you plan to breastfeed (at least a year of breastfeeding is every baby's birthright)? Pumping and giving the milk to your co-parent or other caregiver to feed to baby is HARD WORK, but doable. So, if bio-dad wants overnights with the baby before one year, know you are taking on a challenge. And many breastfed babies need/want more than one year of snuggly nighttime breastfeedings.

How involved in parenting does your lover want to be? Would there be an option to live together for a while, or at least do lots of overnights in the early months?
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  #9  
Old 11-14-2013, 05:52 PM
london london is offline
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You know, lots of the things people are saying will make this hard are performed by thousands of women who have children in a limited support network. The fact that she will have a co-parent at all would be considered a bonus by the many women who have a partner who is the biological father of the child but doesn't co parent.
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Old 11-16-2013, 07:25 PM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
You know, lots of the things people are saying will make this hard are performed by thousands of women who have children in a limited support network. The fact that she will have a co-parent at all would be considered a bonus by the many women who have a partner who is the biological father of the child but doesn't co parent.
That really depends. The upside to being alone with a child is to be able to make all decitions by oneself - and get all the glory! The problems can arise if you depend in part on somebody, and they do not do their bit, or there are misunderstandings. If he lives close by it may work out all fine as there is less practical conderns connected to travel etc.

I really only know one couple who did it like this and they ended up getting married! and now had another child.
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