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Old 11-12-2013, 01:13 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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Default Does it offer the same support?

This question is half personal, half theoretical, so please bear with me.

My only real relationship was 1.5 years long with my first love. The breakup is still pretty fresh (3 or 4 months ago) and it was a mess. Horribly stressful time for us both, she lashed out at me with tons of anger, bottled up rage. But after the fact, it was clear we were both still in love.

We handled it different ways. She repressed her love for me by saying I "didn't love her, because..." and then convincing herself I didn't love her. I don't have that same ability to deny feelings...I loved her, and I knew I did, very deeply. The only way I could reconcile that with feeling remotely okay was that I could love her and love others. Thus my initial turn to polyamory as an idea.

In practice it has been a stumble stumble fall kind of struggle and I don't know whether this is right. Long story short, basically the more I let people in, the more alone I felt. I had no "one"...no unconditional lover. No one who really wanted to be there for me above all others. A few of the girls I've explained it to have said, love "can't be" between more than just one person on one person...but I know it can be done, it's been done! So it must work...but is it the same? Does it offer the same emotional support? The idea of "one true love" is very compelling and I don't know what exactly I'm feeling.

Just tonight a friend told me it took her over a year to get over her last breakup...mine was just a few months ago. I've had days where I felt totally okay, and then sometimes, especially when I'm getting close to a friend it seems, I just feel so empty and especially alone and especially missing her again. Just talking to her gives me such a feeling of bliss and okayness I can't seem to feel with other people. Even people who say they love me, who are there for me, who support me and have sex with me. Did I fuck up? Or am I just having a bad day? And how does polyamory really compare to that feeling of being someone's one and only? What are everyone's thoughts and experiences with this?
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Old 11-12-2013, 01:28 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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The idea of "one true love" is very compelling
I dunno. The idea of "one true love" freaks me out. To the point where I couldn't enter a relationship without already having an exit strategy in place.

Now, in my first poly relationship, I feel comfortable and secure. I have no intention of going anywhere
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Old 11-12-2013, 01:59 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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I dunno. The idea of "one true love" freaks me out.
That's an interesting contrast. Could you go into it more? What's your history with lovers and feeling love. Heartbreaks? Anxieties? What kind of things were you raised believing or being into? Shows, movies, books....I don't know.

It's weird to think I might not be suited for polyamory despite having such a personal fascination and attraction to it. But I sort of feel like that whenever I get close to someone? (emotions are confusing, basically....)
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Old 11-16-2013, 04:10 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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That's an interesting contrast. Could you go into it more? What's your history with lovers and feeling love. Heartbreaks? Anxieties? What kind of things were you raised believing or being into? Shows, movies, books....I don't know.

It's weird to think I might not be suited for polyamory despite having such a personal fascination and attraction to it. But I sort of feel like that whenever I get close to someone? (emotions are confusing, basically....)
Someone below mentioned pressures of being one person's everything, fulfilling all needs.

Absolutely. I actually very much dislike being the only source of ANYTHING for a person, intimacy, emotional support, friendship, drinking partner, etc It's what makes me think I'm suited to poly; I don't get jealous, I feel relieved. Plus I tend towards family style poly, so I'm involved, on some level with all partners.

I understand being attracted to the lifestyle and fascinated....and while I won't say you AREN'T...I WILL say that fascination with it, doesn't mean poly is your thing. I'm fascinated by some of the darker aspects of BDSM....doesn't mean I'd actually be happy in the lifestyle.
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Old 11-16-2013, 04:47 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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Someone below mentioned pressures of being one person's everything, fulfilling all needs.

Absolutely. I actually very much dislike being the only source of ANYTHING for a person, intimacy, emotional support, friendship, drinking partner, etc It's what makes me think I'm suited to poly; I don't get jealous, I feel relieved. Plus I tend towards family style poly, so I'm involved, on some level with all partners.
I definitely agree with you. The pressure to be each other's everything was pretty much what split us apart. I mean, combined with both of our mutual doormattish gentleness with each other and whatnot. In ways we were both afraid to say things that would be too harsh, but when it comes down to it, when we do, I feel like that's when we're at our closest. Unafraid, unabashedly speaking our hearts, free from guilt and whatnot. (I know this isn't meant to be a general relationship board, if that irks anyone I apologise (see it was that same guilt which we'd keep having! Curses, it comes back again)) Anyway, I think it's a cathartic thing even though it tends to end in tears for us >.> we started to explore BDSM sexually and I think it's the same idea. Being totally unhingedly honest even when it involves anger or dismay, with love, it turns incredibly cathartic for us. It tends to involve tears, but I think they're of healing.

It's been a pretty intense emotional rollercoaster for me, lots of ups and downs and returning to different perspectives. Just last night we had a long-overdue frank, honest kinda conversation and I feel tons better. There were things I was pissed off about between us that I just wasn't being honest about, and when I told her, she was hurt but finally opened up about some things she wasn't telling me (out of fear for hurting me, ironically having the reverse effect) and then we both just, said it all. It was about damn time! And at the end of it I told her I need space to move on. She's young and so am I, she wasn't ready for marriage and honestly, neither am I. Just lots of uncommunicated fears and anxieties and feelings finally came out and finally got us closer again. She's a fantastic friend and I'm remaking it my mission to test the waters more and see where life takes us. As we're thicker than thieves, I can't imagine we'll be far apart. My libido is refreshed some now that the baggage was sorted through and I feel good.

We both needed space and badly. She's probably going the more conservative route (good luck and power to 'er) dating one boy at a time, and I'm...well, still exploring and whatnot Not taking shit, bending over backwards, or denying I'm angry are huge to-do's to keep myself honest and in check.

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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I understand being attracted to the lifestyle and fascinated....and while I won't say you AREN'T...I WILL say that fascination with it, doesn't mean poly is your thing. I'm fascinated by some of the darker aspects of BDSM....doesn't mean I'd actually be happy in the lifestyle.
That's a fair analogy. I'd think however that BDSM is different in that it can get increasingly more extreme for added pain and pleasure, even beyond the realm of physical possibility. Leaving polyamory to the imagination is something like dreaming of a life one isn't living... you know? They seem like different kinds of fantasies to me. Anyways...

I guess the moral of all of this is youth is wasted on the youthful, haha.
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Old 11-16-2013, 05:33 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I



That's a fair analogy. I'd think however that BDSM is different in that it can get increasingly more extreme for added pain and pleasure, even beyond the realm of physical possibility. Leaving polyamory to the imagination is something like dreaming of a life one isn't living... you know? They seem like different kinds of fantasies to me. Anyways...

I guess the moral of all of this is youth is wasted on the youthful, haha.
Poly can get "more and more extreme" to the point of being beyond physical possibility as well.
Just saying.
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Old 11-12-2013, 02:12 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default one of "the ones"

of course you can love many, sex is not the most involved way to be a part of a person's life. However you feel relationships and their exact dynamics leave you content is how it is. I would be careful defining how your relationship dynamic works by contrasting it with someone else's ideas.

Some people have a one and only, and some people have several ones that they feel are their "onlys" and however it works for you is the way it works. The problem with defining your relationships to not be what works for someone if you make it a point to let every one of your partners know that they definitely are not one of your "ones".

Most people don't like being made to feel that they are not special, and if one of your girlfriends doesn't like being made to feel not special, you might want to focus on how much they mean to you rather than focusing on the fact that they are not any more important than some random person.

And don't ever treat them worse then some random person (for example some people read through their lovers email without their permission, if it would piss off some stranger to read their private email and then post trying to "teach" them lessons, don't do it to your girlfriends or metamours without their permission) Some people like being fucked, some people like more loving enter actions

In a perfect world, a well adjusted partner won't ever need you treating them special ever, and they will understand you love them just as much as some random person. But realistically people like to be treated like they matter, which unfortunately means like they matter most.

So remember there is a world of difference between feeling just as important as your metamour and feeling second most important. If you find yourself behaving in ways that teach them they aren't any more important than someone else as opposed to showing each of them they are important, your might want to rethink your strategy or get advice from someone else because those are two different things completely -- even though the difference is extremely subtle and technically just semantics -- things could go south fast.

I wouldn't be too worried over whether or not you fucked up, things always seem magnified when they are happening it's not unusual for break ups to feel like a mistake. Years from now with the benefit of hindsight, you may even feel lucky that you aren't still in the relationship or friendship with that person. Sometimes relationships can be poisonous due to the dynamic of no boundaries and lack of respect, sometimes even from those you aren't directly connected to, but indirectly connected through her. Poly dynamics are like that sometimes

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 11-12-2013 at 02:20 AM.
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Old 11-12-2013, 02:16 AM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
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The idea of "one true love" is very compelling
See I'm still pretty new to this so I'm probably only half a step ahead of you in my thinking here... however 6 months ago I probably would have agreed completely.

What I have learned is that I am very possessive and protective over the relationship I have with someone, but that doesn't mean I need to be possessive over the person themselves. It just means I value what I have with them.

What's more is I've come to realise those partners can be more fulfilled by their multiple relationships than if they were just with me. That's not a bad thing either and I shouldn't look at it as a negative on me!! They choose to stay with me because they value the unique qualities which I bring to them.

I'm not saying it's easy to settle into this lifestyle, it forces you (and your partner(s)) to question everything society has ever told you and relearn what you personally want from life. But for me - it fits!!

EDIT - Just to answer your second question - I know lots of people actually dislike the pressure of wanting to meet all of one persons needs, I guess this is possibly what was being referred to?

Last edited by LondonGuy; 11-12-2013 at 02:18 AM.
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Old 11-12-2013, 02:37 AM
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Definitely can be that much support-and more-if it's managed in a manner that promotes that.
I have two deeply committed, full-time, live in relationships. We are raising a family together.
When I was hospitalized-both were at my side.
We're a family. Not-I'm dating multiple people in different places and can't get "as close" to any as you are describing.
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Old 11-14-2013, 12:36 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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The point of love to me is to treat and be treated as a special person. That is true in friendships, but even more so in a comitted sexual/romantic relationship. I am in a V, I want my two boys to treat my like their "beautiful woman" and make me feel really, really special. If I did not have that there would be no point at all. I don't like the version of poly where you have lots of people that you date/fuck/love, that would not work for me. to me, poly is as comitted and safe as mono if not more!
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