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Old 11-11-2013, 07:16 AM
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Scarlette Scarlette is offline
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Default Missing One from Group and feeling Strained

Hello poly folks! Since me and my group are pretty insulated as far as this whole poly thing goes, I am seeking advice and thoughts to something that has been troubling me lately.

My husband Michael and I have been involved with another husband and wife couple, Hanna and Issac, since the middle of this year. My husband, being in the Marines, is currently stationed away. Has been for the last year and will be for the next 6 months or so (he finally met the other members of our group a couple months ago while on a visit).

Since Michael is gone, Hanna and I have been trying to make do with getting our needs met as much as possible from Issac. Obviously that is putting quite a strain on our group. Since I am a stay at home mom with our young kids, I only get to see Issac and spend the night with him one night a week on Sundays at the moment. The other weekend night and day is Hanna's.

I'm starting to feel as if my needs don't really matter as only being "the girlfriend". I'm dealing with the fact that I only really have 24 hours of his time, but its always spent at their house with Hanna around (mine isn't available to stay at). We can't have sex without her possibly in the other room hearing or watch TV without her possibly coming in and chatting with us. I don't mind her around, she is my friend, but they don't have to worry about those same kinds of things because it's not my house to just be around. If I suggest getting a hotel, she say she feels like we are just trying to avoid her.

I'm just feeling really frustrated that my time with his is also partially spent with her, but she can see him all week and half the weekend alone. It's an issue I just don't know the resolution to.
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Old 11-11-2013, 11:35 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Tricky. It is half her home, and well, you cannot actually ask her to leave for your sake.. Does Isaac feel that this is a problem? If yes, has he asked her about it to at least see if she would be willing to get out of the house for awhile? Do they children, and could they be the reason she stays at home? Have you ever talked to her directly and said that you and Isaac would like to be alone? Do you and him date outside of their home? If so, what is stopping you from having a date Sunday evening and spending the night in a hotel? Would she have a problem with that? I would venture a guess that she knows that you and him need quality time alone as a dyad.
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  #3  
Old 11-11-2013, 12:32 PM
london london is offline
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I think you need to emphasise that you are in a romantic relationship and quality couple time is recommended in all relationships. Ask her how she'd deal with not having any alone time with her husband. If I'm reading this right and she is dating your husband too, set a good precedent by facilitating their alone time when he is around.
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Old 11-11-2013, 12:49 PM
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Why do you say you and your husband are involved with another couple? It sounds like he only met them once. Maybe you all had 4way sex? Maybe you just wife swapped?

Be that as it may, sounds like YOU are involved with Issac, and his wife Hanna is jealous and rather resentful you're around on the weekend taking up his time. She's not your gf? You don't have sex or dates with her, right? So, you've got a bf, Issac. Hanna has maybe had sex with your husband when he was on leave. But he's gone now. Maybe she is wondering what is in all this for her.

I also wonder why you and Issac don't go out for romance. A day at the beach or hiking, picnicking in the woods? Is there some kind of weird rule that Issac has to have his dates with you IN his house with Hanna jealously lurking around?

Personally I can have my bf over and my live-in gf gives us plenty of space to have sex or cuddle. She doesn't resent Ginger in the least, so when she does show up to hang out with us, it's after he and I have had plenty of time to get our rocks off and chat one on one. Also, he and I go out on dates to cultural things we enjoy. Often we invite miss pixi (since she and Ginger are friends), sometimes she comes along, but usually she has other things to do, and just tells us to go have fun.

You definitely need to see why Hanna is being so resentful she'd make that remark, "You're trying to avoid me," when you suggest you and Issac get a hotel room. That's an awfully harsh way of putting it. Why does she think you two never should get to be alone together? Where does her insecurity come from? Sounds like you 3 need a good sit-down heart-to-heart.
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Old 11-11-2013, 02:17 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Yes, this is confusing to me, you call it a 'group' situation but he only met them after you got involved and even then he is gone the rest of the year so far.

It doesn't seem like a group situation, it seems like you have a fwb with this other guy and his wife is jealous, it is not like she is getting her groove on for added distraction either. Perhaps this is not what she expected?

Either way, it seems a right old mess and I agree with Magdlyn, you all need to do a proper sit down and talk about what you all want and expect from these relationships.
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Old 11-11-2013, 02:46 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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For what it's worth, here's my two cents:

First, you really haven't given much background, so my advice may be totally off...but, here's what I'm seeing.

Your husband is away often and for a long period of time, so you both agree it's okay for you to get your needs met elsewhere. He's allowed to play with whoever it is you find, as well, when he's home. You find a couple...your husband meets them once (?). Maybe more often....but I'm guessing with him being in the military, that's unlikely.

I'm not faulting you, but you DID have the ability to choose whoever you wanted....and you chose a couple. I don't know Hanna's situation, but she doesn't really OWE you and him any alone time. Maybe her expectation was, "Oh, this other woman is lonely. I like her/am curious about exploring with a woman/whatever. Sure, she can spend time with us." She may see your requests for alone time as forced attempts to shove her out of the picture (even for just a night), and she may well resent that (wouldn't you, in her place?). ESPECIALLLY if you didn't agree on you and him being alone beforehand. Also, it's not her fault you married a military man that's gone a lot. She may have no interest in finding another partner away from him.

It looks like limited, shared time with her is all you're going to get with him. So, you're probably best off either finding a new couple, whose expectations better fit in with what you want....or sharing another partner (like you are now with Hanna)....or finding a guy who can spend a significant amount of alone time with you, without expecting you to be his one and only.

Not saying it'll be easy, but it might help you be less lonely.
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Old 11-12-2013, 03:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlette View Post
I'm just feeling really frustrated that my time with his is also partially spent with her, but she can see him all week and half the weekend alone. It's an issue I just don't know the resolution to.
The resolution is to ask for what you want. What else would you think the resolution would be?

What prevents you, exactly, from saying to Isaac, "I am frustrated by the lack of privacy in our situation. I want alone time with you. Please arrange to make that happen because I can't keep meeting in your bedroom with your wife waiting just outside the door."

Is she sticking around to maintain some sense of control over what he does? Doesn't she have friends she can hang with or grocery-shopping to do while you and he get together?

If he doesn't make the effort to be alone with you, which is something so, so simple and adult, then it would seem disrespectful to me, and immature, and I would question the value of continuing the relationship.


Edit:
I suggested talking to Isaac and not both of them because this is about your relationship with him and getting more alone time with him. I don't believe other people need to be managing relationships they are not in.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-12-2013 at 03:31 AM.
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Old 11-12-2013, 06:54 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
I suggested talking to Isaac and not both of them because this is about your relationship with him and getting more alone time with him. I don't believe other people need to be managing relationships they are not in.
I agree. I'm not into bypassing your partner, going to your metamour and telling them what to do. It's your partners job to maintain their relationships. They need to be trusted to do so.
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  #9  
Old 11-12-2013, 09:22 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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You have an advantage in that Hanna is already your friend. Wouldn't it be simplest to sit down with her one-on-one and talk about what you both want? It's not fair to expect someone in the middle to both perfectly understand your wishes (without knowing the right questions to ask) and then perfectly explain them to someone (without knowing the answers to the questions that person asks).

As for time distribution, don't forget that they are married and have a life together, a house and finances, all that jazz. I totally get that it sucks to be stuck at home with your husband overseas (mine works out of town, so I have an inkling, but I can't even begin to imagine going months at a time without seeing him) ... but try to remember, that's not Hanna's fault. She shouldn't be expected to give up half her time with her own husband just because you're dating him and yours is overseas.

I don't understand what she means by she's going to back away and not try to get time with Isaac. To me, that sounds like a guilt trip. I mean, they live together... of course they're going to have time together. Where is she going to go away to? Is she going to start living with her parents or something, and wait for Isaac to come rescue her?

It sounds like she's having trouble dealing with jealousy issues. It really does sound like she's trying, giving you guys space and time, but that she's struggling. She may be repressing feelings because she doesn't want to stand in your way, but that those feelings are brewing inside her and coming out toxic. Hence, the self-sacrificing guilt trips.

Finally, regarding alone time, I think you need to work that out somewhere other than her house. Frankly m'dear, it's not her problem. In her mind, she's already making a leap by sharing her husband with you and giving up time that used to be all theirs for you to see him. What about getting your sitter to take the kids to their house and having Isaac over? If that isn't possible, then find somewhere else to go together. In other words, if you want alone time with him, it's up to you to figure out how to do that, not up to her to leave her own house to give you that.
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Old 11-12-2013, 09:32 AM
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I agree that they should have their alone time elsewhere but when they tried, she said it feels like they are trying to avoid her. Ie unless all quality time is spent under her supervision, she feels excluded.
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