Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-10-2013, 12:38 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Default Broken hearted lost bf and losing marriage

So here goes nothing, I hate these discussion boards but I need advice and since my situation is so non traditional I'm not sure what to do.

I'm not proud of this but about 3 yrs. ago my husband of 21 yrs and I started swinging. We were not really close emotionally or physically, but I loved him and just thought perhaps it was normal after being married so long. Once my husband and I started swinging (which btw was his fantasy to see me with another man) I found a real connection with another married man, B, who was polyamorous as well as a swinger. My husband and I were fairly new to swinging and we discussed limitations and one was that he didn't want me to play alone with anyone. The problem was that my husband and, B's wife weren't into each other and I felt so drawn to B....I had to have my way and I wanted to be alone with him. Well I pushed for what I wanted and spent 16hours with B the first time we hung out. Anyway, it caused major problems in my marriage, but I didn't care and felt my marriage was strong enough to handel a polyamorous relationship. I still wanted more, I wanted to be in love. Me and B fell in love, and I fell out of love with my husband. (not that I was in love with him with my husband but it just drove us apart even more) I wanted B more and more and my husband less. (I know polyamory is not supposed to be like that) I guess I had needs my husband couldn't meet. This is very hard to admit and I'm not proud I feel this way.

Anyway, B and I had issues and broke up 8 months later. I was devistated. I couldn't put him out of my head and couldn't fix my marriage either. I saw a psychic and without me saying anything about B she saw him clearly in my life and said we were soul mate I did not expect she would say that. I was even more shocked when she did. She said he would be in and out of my life forever. I had my doubts. I continued to stay in contact with B every once in a while. I also continued swinging with my husband and he had finally given in to playing alone so I had a new bf in the lifestyle, but still couldn't let go of B.

After a year of us not being together, B and I reconnected. I was shocked the psychic was right. I thought everything was meant to be, he confessed and confirmed his feelings to me and him and his wife divorced. He claimed I was the one and we would be together forever LOL. I lost more love for my husband, lost my bf in the lifestyle, another friend in the lifestyle to be with B again. 3 short months later he began to have legal problems and family issues and said our life are in very different places I
Was still swinging with my husband (even though I tried to stay away from the ls, I had to go out with my husband because it wasn't right that I was seeing someone and just left him to fend for himself). B was not swinging and he didn't want any problems coming about being the soul caretaker of his children so he said he couldn't see me anymore.

I lost so much because I took a chance and followed my heart. I do not know what to do with myself at this point. Its been 5 months since I've been with him and I just can't get over him. While I respect his choice and accept y he choose to no longer be with me.... my life is ruined. I was getting all my needs met by him. Now I'm in a ruined marriage as a result....I haven't had sex with my husband in months. I even took off my wedding ring. I can't have sex with anyone even in the lifestyle because I have an allergy to condoms. I have nobody I trust anyone and honestly just not ready to be with anyone else at this point. But I know I have needs that aren't being met and I can't rekindle with my husband. My husband can't physically give me what B could on his best days. Also emotionally and spiritually I'm in despair. I actually feel like I'm drowning in sorrow. I feel my options are limited I don't think ending my marriage of 21years is worth ending because I'm not in love with my husband or want a physical relationship with him. I'm so stuck. .... it's also not like I can go out and find a new bf. My husband really isn't for it, plus I'm still in love with B. I want to talk to B and tell him how my life is now ruined because of him but idk if that's the right thing to do either since he seems to no longer care. I want him back but what can I say to make him change his mind when he's gotta be concerned and be there for his kids. I already told him I'd stop Swinging but he's afraid somehow I have jeopardized his custody and other issues cause people know about us. It pisses me off that he didn't think about how this would be an issue before he started seeing me again and all I've lost because of him. I just would like some advice about what my next steps should be. Please reserve any negative comments about how I get what I deserve and blah blah. I'm trying to get healthy, happy, and have my needs met. I can't change what is done.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-10-2013, 12:46 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Ok, you need to view these relationships separately. Firstly, your marriage. Are you still compatible with your husband? Do you want to be with him? Could you sacrifice your desire for polyamory for a happier marriage? Do you want to swing?

Then B. He seems to have his own issues right now. Experienced poly people are usually a little bit better at not letting emotions from one relationship flood the other in a way that negatively impacts that other relationship. Regardless of whether you do get back together one day, I think you should focus on getting yourself in a better place. That will help any relationship you are in.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-10-2013, 01:06 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Default

Yes, this is my main concern. I'm trying to figure out how to get happy and healthy again and move on.

As far as my husband, we are very close friends. Never really fight he'd do anything for me ect..... sexually and emotionally it's dead. I can't bring myself to leave him because I want to be in love with someone who can give be those things. We have 2 older kids and a 21yr. History that aside from all this has been good. There are no guarantees I will find love or have a fulfilling sex life if I leave my husband. I could end up in something worse. However, the things I'm missing in my marriage cannot be fixed and are pretty strong needs.

Swinging... idk I can't really swing or meet anyone with a condom allergy. I'd swing but it's very impersonal. ...I need more of a connection and that's a hard find as well in the lifestyle.

Plus I begin to compare everyone to B. I lost so much as ....made me realize what I was missing in my marriage, lost 2 long term relationships because I was back with B and people were jealous., also can't really have sex since I developed this allergy and not having sex with my husband and don't want to either.

See it's great B gets to move on... he's single now..... but I can't I'm stuck. It don't seem fair.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-10-2013, 01:02 PM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Stealth Mod
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,201
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I can't have sex with anyone even in the lifestyle because I have an allergy to condoms.
I know it's a minor nit to pick in the greater scheme of things, but have you tried non-latex condoms? If it's not the latex but rather the lube or spermicide you react to, well, they also come in a variety of types. There's sure to be some combination that'll work for you.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-10-2013, 01:10 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Default

Yes tried both non latex and latex without lube. No good! I know that seems ridiculous to be upset over but it's one reason I found I needed B, a physical connection is huge for me. The condom allergy causes major problems....
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-10-2013, 03:18 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083
Default

You're grieving. Give yourself time to get over the loss.

However, I would seriously consider divorce. You are unhappy and unfulfilled in your marriage. Unless you can just live together as friends and have your own separate lives, I see no reason to stay together. Kids are resilient, and will adapt. You need to live your life for you, and I think it would benefit you to be on your own. Your happiness should not be dependent upon your relationships.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-10-2013, 05:27 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757
Default

You are grieving the loss of B. Some of that comes out as anger at B, and some of it is anger at the universe because life is not fair.

Briefly, I get it. I was in a triad that blew up. It destroyed my relationship with the other female, and caused E to be out of my life for a year. I was heartbroken, but determined to move on. Then, E and his wife separated and began divorce proceedings. Both E and I thought this would permit us to rebuild our relationship. It didn't happen like that. E has been grieving the loss of his marriage and initially was worried sick about the well-being of his children. He has literally been in constant flight or fight mode. This does not allow him to even reach those tender feelings he and I once shared. It's not that he wouldn't like to; it is that he is incapable. I suspect that B is in a similar place.

Your anger is misdirected. You are angry at the guy because he failed to understand the emotional trauma that would be caused by the divorce. It sucks that he didn't know, but it wasn't a grand plan to fuck up your life. You need to quit laying blame on him. The sooner you do that the more mentally healthy you will be.

Secondly - and I had to come to terms with this myself - it is not B's responsibility to meet your needs. Yes, he did once. And yes, he thought he was going to be able to after his divorce. That simply means that he wanted to, that he hoped to, but nowhere along the line did it mean it was his obligation to do so.

My suggestion in regard to B is to forgive him for not being able to be all things to all people (and you do understand why his kids have to come first right?), and try to be the best friend you can be to him. He needs a *friend* right now; not someone making more demands on his limited resources. The divorce proceedings won't last forever, and the children will mature. The external circumstances surrounding B are temporary.

Last edited by bookbug; 11-10-2013 at 05:28 PM. Reason: Typo
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-11-2013, 01:50 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 879
Default

Attitude is everything.

Stop telling yourself you have 'needs' that 'nobody else can meet.' Grow stronger. Get out there and do something you enjoy. Better yet, get out there and think of someone else who is worse off than you, and do something to help them. You'd be amazed how fast your life starts looking better and you start feeling better.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-11-2013, 01:31 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
It sucks that he didn't know, but it wasn't a grand plan to fuck up your life. You need to quit laying blame on him. The sooner you do that the more mentally healthy you will be.
I feel like sometimes it was his grand plan to fuck my life up, but then again you'd have to know B LOL. Although, I'm sure it really wasn't. It just seems awfully inconsiderate of him to do this an not have to see what I'm going through as a result. The reason I say that is because he was going through this custody battle and other issues when we got reconnected and he knew that I was still involved with the swing world. Maybe he thought it could work and then realized it wouldn't. Although, I do not agree with him. He got full custody of his children but there are still some other legal issues possibly pending due to a bad divorce which I do not think is final. I think he's probably not in a place to give me what he'd hoped to give me and realizes he needs to have a real life with someone who isn't involved with swinging.....but then again IDK? He's told me very little that would make sense about why he's ended our relationship and to me it seems more like paranoia. I can't prevent his feelings but for him to start things up again and walk away without any real issue is hard for me to handle. I just try to keep trusting what he's said that he needs to be there for his kids and somehow I can cause a problem for him?????? This is why I want to blame him. But he's also said what you said below:


Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
My suggestion in regard to B is to forgive him for not being able to be all things to all people (and you do understand why his kids have to come first right?), and try to be the best friend you can be to him. He needs a *friend* right now; not someone making more demands on his limited resources. The divorce proceedings won't last forever, and the children will mature. The external circumstances surrounding B are temporary.
So if I'm a real friend I wouldn't be trying to negotiate and just understand where he's coming from. The problem is I don't understand completely and I have lost a lot because of my love for him. I feel that I don't want to place any burden's on him but I do not feel he's completely justified himself and I don't know if he can since it's regarding leagal issues. There is no promise of any future with him. He says after 6 years go by his life is his own again. So I said see ya in six years LOL....but that was it. He says he wants to be friends and he'll always love me but he hasn't picked up the phone or tried to reach out in any way. This hurts the most. When I confront him about not reaching out he says he just doesn't want me to get crazy I don't know if I should reach out to him and tell him what's going on with me? I want to be supportive but I feel like things are probably ok for him and he's just over reacting
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-24-2014, 09:23 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Default update - a year later. now what?

Well it's almost a year later many people suggested I leave my husband and let "B" know where I stand. And if things for "B" changed and he had mutual feelings he would one day return. Well I did that only "B" saw it as me being passive aggressive and wouldn't return my emails or texts for a very long time. He also felt guilty and thought he was to blame for me leaving my husband since I told him I was so in love with him that I just couldn't be with anyone else not even my husband and i needed space.

After many attempts to get him to respond to me he finally told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I straightened things out with my husband and children. I didn't know what he meant but he told me not to reply back until I did so. 2 months later I told him there is no fixing anything and he ignored me until I bugged him enough where I told him if he wants I will delete his contact info if he didn't want to talk to me again otherwise I'd keep bothering him. he replied a few choice words that weren't so nice telling me to delete his contact info, but he still loved me and if I need him in an emergency he'd be there for me.

Well I got myself in a bit of a jam a few months later and he was there for me. We finally talked and it felt amazing. We talked for like 6 hours on the phone. We talked about all kinds of things. He even asked me to help raise money for a sick friend I told him I would if he sent info to me. But then we finally started talking about us. ....and I could hear how torn he was. He kept saying he missed and still loved me. He never wanted to stop talking to me but he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without feeling guilt he broke up my family. I told him it wasn't like that. ... it was more about my feelings for him and if the feelings were mutual than I would be available to him without any thing or anyone standing in the way. But he also sees that as manipulation and doesn't understand my pain. In the end he says maybe in 2 or 3 years if he's not with anyone maybe we can resume things but that's a long time to wait for someone. I really feel he's the love of my life and soul mate. But it's very lonely and my husband and I still hang out and are on friendly terms. How can I divorce someone who's always been there for me for someone who isn't there with an uncertain promise? I've tried dating and absolutely hate it! So am I just supposed to take a chance and divorce someone I've been with for 22yrs?

I really don't know what to do?

I'm not even sure my conversation with "B" that night ever had full resolution. I felt he was struggling with not wanting to talk to me, but wanted to. The next day I texted him and told him I wouldn't carry on. If he wanted to talk to me he knows where I am.

But he left the whole fundraiser thing up in the air and I really would love to do something like that for him plus I want to keep some dialogue without the pressure of discussing our relationship. I just want to be there for him and show him how much he means to me. Idk should I contact him again after I said I wouldn't? He probably forgot about asking for my help since he was drinking but I'm not sure how he'd react...... I don't want to be ignored.

Obviously, I'm not blaming anyone for leaving my husband but after my last post I gave many of the comments about leaving my husband careful consideration and thought they we're right. Now I'm in this position and need to know what to do from here.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:29 PM.