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Old 02-04-2011, 02:55 PM
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MMMark MMMark is offline
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Default In a V, are relationships entirely independent, or not?

Fri. 11/02/04 09:55 EST
. post #4

During a recent discussion with a friend of mine about V geometries, I stated that I thought it was possible for the hinge's relationship with one arm to affect (her) relationship with the other arm, because people naturally perform comparisons and (re)evaluations. My friend asserted that this would never happen with HER, and any change in her feelings toward a lover would be dependent ONLY on that lover.

As an example of what I was talking about, let's suppose that a second man joins an existing man/woman couple, thereby forming a V. Let's suppose further that the woman finds sex with the second man CONSIDERABLY more exciting and satisfying than sex with the first man.

Isn't it at least POSSIBLE that this new knowledge might affect the woman's relationship with the first man? For example, isn't it at least possible that she might prefer to spend more sexual time with the second man, and less sexual time with the first?

Now, the above is only one crude example out of many, and it is somewhat fictitious.

What I'm trying to get an idea of is this:

"In theory," or "ideally," polyamory might suggest that relationships are independent.

In practice, I suspect this is somewhat utopian, and that polyamorous relationships involve varying degrees of INTERdependence, depending on the individuals involved, since people naturally perform comparisons and (re)evaluations.

So, I'm interested to hear the thoughts and experiences of people who have been practicing polyamory. Don't be shy about asking me to clarify.

Last edited by MMMark; 02-04-2011 at 03:15 PM.
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Old 02-04-2011, 05:56 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Meh. I doubt there's much effect, personally. As with any part of the human experience, there's going to be a range of behavior exhibited. I suspect the number of folks who would do that sort of comparison shopping are in a minority.

To continue with your example, I've not ever thought "This one is much better at fucking than that one" and then spend less time naked with the latter. Srsly, if I'm pleased and happy with the relationship, then I engage in it fully and won't cut any part of it down because I could conceivably get better with a different partner.

And that's real world experience talking.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:05 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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There is a wealth of information on this topic already on this forum. Try a search for V relationships.
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Old 02-04-2011, 08:27 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I don't compare my partners in terms of this one I do this with and this one I do that, but I do notice differences. Its hard not to. I enjoy somethings with some partners more than others at different times and for different reasons.

Really though, for me its kind of one of those things where I am interested in the differences as I would be about the differences in greeting cards. Its definitely not worth contemplating all that much. I note it, smile about it and get about being with who I am with for who they are. I hope that makes sense.
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Old 02-04-2011, 09:26 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I actually love the difference in my lovers...I always have. I celebrate them...

I like the same back to me. I like knowing why I am different...not better not worse...different.

As for relatinshionships being independent...that totally depends on the people. Some v's resemble emotional triads...some resemble two absolutely distinct mono relationships...its too varied to count.
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Old 02-04-2011, 10:07 PM
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Just another thought; the similarities between my partners make me smile also. Both differences and similarities make me feel all glowy inside. I find it really useful when having issues in one relationship my other partner reminds me that they are similar in a way and that this is what would work for them.
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:28 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think they can affect each other, but I don't think it has to be competition. To take your example again, the woman who realises her new lover does things she likes could tell the first man about that thing she realised she liked, and as a result her relationship with the second man improved her sex life with the first one.
I think you can learn to appreciate people better too, when they're different you can see how they are unique better and love them for how unique they are.

I think anything can influence your relationships, because things that influence you will do so in more than one area. So I do believe one relationship can affect another, but I also believe that a friendship can affect a romantic relationship and vice-versa, and I absolutely don't mean it in a bad way.

I don't think it would work quite the way you say, though. The hinge wouldn't do something that isn't enjoyable, whether there is another man or not. And if the thing is enjoyable, then she'll want to keep doing it with both. It's like... I don't know, say you love pasta, but you also like rice, you're not going to eat pasta all the time and stop having rice.
You might say "yes, but before there was only rice..." but that's not true, because the time you're spending with a lover, you could be spending it with a friend, or alone, etc.

I'm not sure if I'm making much sense here.
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