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  #1  
Old 11-08-2013, 06:39 PM
geminigirl69 geminigirl69 is offline
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Default Need help getting started

I have been seeing a guy for the last year and a half and he has been in a 7 year relationship with another girl who has been living with him for the past 4 years. I know about her but she does not know about me. We want to involve her and introduce the idea of polyamory to her. What is the best way for us to introduce the idea to her since she is unaware of us and the whole idea?
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Old 11-08-2013, 07:23 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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This has unethical written all over it.

Why have you been the other woman for 18 months. How would you feel if you were her?
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Old 11-08-2013, 08:12 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Be prepared to ask for a lot of forgiveness from her. He's been cheating with you, which is a bad place to start poly. But very possible, lots of people have done so. Still, a core of poly is trust. .... and you and he have a lot to do to rebuild that.

Also be prepared for her to make him choose between you and him. Given the guilt he's likely to feel, he may very well cut you out of his life.
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Old 11-08-2013, 08:22 PM
geminigirl69 geminigirl69 is offline
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We know it will be challenging as any introduction to polyamory I'm sure is. Especially for those who are not familiar. Though we have not been up front and honest with her from the beginning it is our full intention to be truthful going forward.
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Old 11-08-2013, 08:24 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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You should have been honest from day one.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #6  
Old 11-08-2013, 08:30 PM
geminigirl69 geminigirl69 is offline
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I understand that I do. It was never intended for our relationship to progress the way it did or to start out with dishonesty. There were several times that things were going to end because of the situation. I was just recently introduced to the idea and concept of polyamory and am looking forward to embracing it. I love him and he loves her and I both so what better way to enjoy life than to all be together. Isn't that the idea? Just looking for helpful ways to go about it.
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  #7  
Old 11-15-2013, 01:34 PM
hapigoth316 hapigoth316 is offline
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Am I right in saying that isn't polyamory that's cheating. It's unethical, immoral and unfair.
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Old 11-19-2013, 03:41 AM
london london is offline
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Yeah, the way I see it, polyamory falls under the umbrella of ethical non monogamy so cheating itself cannot be polyamory. You can, however, cheat in a polyamorous relationship by breaking agreements. But again, cheating isn't polyamory. Polyamory has to have the consent of all involved to meet the criteria for ethical non monogamy. Cheating comes under the huge non monogamy umbrella but not the smaller ethical non monogamy umbrella.
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  #9  
Old 11-19-2013, 03:47 PM
ShpaceEchsplorer ShpaceEchsplorer is offline
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Well, here is the issue. Introducing a monogamous person to polyamory by saying "I've been lying to you for years" is really not easy to do nicely. You want her to see the goodness of polyamory... But a huge part of it is the honesty; and you have shown her that both you and her boyfriend cannot be honest.

Getting her to trust that you will be honest in the future is just as big an obstacle as getting her to see poly as a good idea. If someone hasn't chosen polyamory on their own... It's a shot in the dark if they are willing to change their lifestyle.

If there is one thing I've learned.. It is never lie to someone even if it is just to protect their feelings. What you have done with her boyfriend can only be described as cheating. Getting that out in the open is necessary, even if that means she leaves him. It might be painful, but it is respectful of her.

That is the best I can say for this type of situation.
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Old 11-19-2013, 04:13 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShpaceEchsplorer View Post
What you have done with her boyfriend can only be described as cheating.
I suspect this is the real nub of the issue here if I read the OP correctly. Of course she wants things to work out wonderfully now that they've decided to be honest. That's human. But I suspect she's in a bit of denial when it comes to her own behaviour.

The harsh reality is that her actions have been the complete antithesis of what poly is about. Sure, she might be making some internal shifts to a more ethical relationship paradigm. She may even be using polyamory as a way to justify her own past as it validates the concept of multiple relationships.

But assuming that the GF will somehow be OK with this retroactively is, at best, wishful thinking I fear.
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