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Old 02-03-2011, 04:36 AM
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dub1h dub1h is offline
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Default Adjusting to a new change

My girlfriend has recently started dating a second guy, pretty soon into our relationship (maybe known her for about 3 months when they started). There is a new change that is occurring now, which is that I won't get to chance to spend the night with her this week. I haven't asked, but if anyone does it will be the other guy (and I feel like it'd be rude to ask and actually know for sure).

I've sort of gotten into a mental space where I am okay with whatever happens, and don't feel jealous, but I feel some sort of emotion I can't quite put my finger on.

Maybe I'm not completely over my insecurities...changing yourself is hard. I want to be happy no matter how much or how little I see her, but is that really a way to live?
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Old 02-03-2011, 05:48 AM
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Maybe its that you don't know. Why not just ask? In my poly life everything is above board. Everyone knows where I am, how long I will be there and when I will be with them. That way there are no expectations, no assumptions and everyone can rest easy that the time will come that I will see them again. Part of poly is the honesty and consideration (empathy) component... is she lacking in these departments?
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Old 02-03-2011, 06:06 AM
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I hate to say it but kind of. She's really great at being caring and kind, but when it comes to the polyamorous aspect of the whole relationship, she just gets worried and chooses to not tell me certain things rather than be upfront. Like to get information about her dates with the other guy, I kind of have to ask when I think she might not be telling me.

We had a discussion and now she knows I want to know when she is seeing him, so we'll see how this pans out. I just feel like she may not take polyamory as a change in perspective that takes a kind of serious approach...I think she feels polyamorous, but hasn't yet shifted her entire stance on what that really entails when forming a relationship.

I sound overly critical, but that is how I see things...I guess I'm willing to play the waiting game and let her change at her own pace.

Sometimes I get feelings that I am in something that isn't for me, but I really like her a lot. I feel terrible to even THINK that thought, but it occurs to me.....could this be a bad sign?
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Old 02-03-2011, 08:20 PM
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I'd encourage you to ask. I don't always ask enough questions and earlier this week that caught up with me. It's always better to know what's going on than to let things slide.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:23 PM
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Well... things are still going with everyone, but not without a hitch. It's like every time the other spends time with the girl, there is a bout of jealousy that we have to deal with and get under control. Seems like every single time...

So I had a discussion with her today about how everything is going (I woke up this morning feeling very jealous, thinking of HIM waking up with her while I was home alone....insecurity. Why SHOULDN'T i feel great waking up alone!?)
We talked for a while, and thought about the idea of all three of us meeting for the first time. We thought this might put a face on the phantoms that the we two males have become to one another. Maybe it could be an exercise in conquering our insecurities. How would I feel SEEING him kiss her in front of me, rather than THINKING about him kissing her when she is out seeing him?

A bit of a rant, but I'd like to get a perspective on the whole meeting idea. I feel like it could be beneficial, but there are also risks of us really being uncomfortable, or hating each other, or ruining the relationship with the girl.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dub1h View Post
We talked for a while, and thought about the idea of all three of us meeting for the first time. We thought this might put a face on the phantoms that the we two males have become to one another.
Oh! You might want to read TruckerPete's blog. Some of the stuff she writes about there could be very relevant to you, especially where she talks about bringing her two men together to meet.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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