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Old 11-03-2013, 06:08 AM
crackedpleasures crackedpleasures is offline
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Default Family Style vs Spoke/Hub (?)

I find I get a lot of flack for the type of poly I practice. I don't tend toward "family style" or attempting to blend my family with my or my husband's loves and I don't desire that type of relationship. I tend to be a with hub multiple individual lines/spokes coming out from me to others. Those others have their own arrangements. Why do I get so much crap for this? (I've tried to figure it out on my own but I'm interested in the reactions of others).

I will say, I am married and we do have a child. My husband has a girlfriend and I would consider him a spoke from me leading to his V arrangement with him as the hinge there. But I have other spokes. Most of my relationships are non-sexual. Maybe it's because people think I have "just friends"? I can't figure out why it gets under people's skin that I don't desire a giant family style relationship group.
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Last edited by crackedpleasures; 11-03-2013 at 06:14 AM.
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Old 11-03-2013, 07:14 AM
london london is offline
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You'll find that people who practice that form of poly often need that level of intrusion into their partner's other relationships to compensate for the lack of control and additional trust your form of poly requires. I mean, sure, some people like to be highly entwined with their metamours if not dating/fucking them, but the more reasonable people only require that from people who share that desire. They are perfectly fine with their partner having totally separate relationships where no time is spent as a group with them monitoring their partner and metamour. These people won't put emotional and physical obstacles in the way stopping them having independent relationships away from the home. You'll find that the overbearing ones will try and prevent the partner and metamour having anytime away from their vigilant eyes.

These people are so reliant on this sort of close supervision, they can't imagine how anyone could navigate a polyamorous relationship without being able to step into your partner's relationship anytime you feel they've done something to offend you, or impede on your relationship. They can't imagine just beig able to trust that your partner will make the most ethical decision for all involved. They have to oversee it because of their fear (founded or unfounded) that their partner will forget them in the process.

The way to decide who would simply prefer an entwined group model and who needs It because of issues, basically, is to see who sets rules around their interaction with metamours and who simply states.preferences when asked. This rule thing works the other way round too: someone who categorically refuses to ever meet a metamour probably isn't very comfortable with polyamory
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Old 11-03-2013, 07:51 AM
crackedpleasures crackedpleasures is offline
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I pretty much want the three C's of poly (communication, communication, communication - heh) but only with my partners/loves. I don't mind and often like meeting metamours but it's not at all a requirement for me and I don't enjoy being put into a "veto power" position. I feel that anyone I would be with is competent enough to make their own decision about who is best for them to be with. The only serious rules I attempt to impart are where my family unit (me, my husband, and our son) is concerned and to make sure that our family gets enough time together and our marriage stays stable.
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Old 11-03-2013, 08:16 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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From whom are you getting all this crap? On this forum at least, the majority of people practice more of what you describe as spoke/hub poly. So I'm inferring that this judgement is coming from people in your local poly so-called community?

It's a common human trait to view different customs as strange or wrong. It reinforces our belief that what we're doing is acceptable. If what I'm doing is right, and what you're doing is different, then the only way I can convince myself that what I am doing really is right is to believe that what you're doing is wrong. It's tribal thinking, and soft-wired into our brains through millenia of tribal social evolution.

Notice how even while coming to your defence, London did exactly the same thing to those people as they do to you. Rather than accept that they prefer a different model but that's ok, she demonized them and accused them of having character flaws and being insecure.

You don't convince people to be tolerant your beliefs by displaying intolerance towards their own beliefs.
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Old 11-03-2013, 08:42 AM
london london is offline
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No, I said people who make rules about how and where their partner's interact with other people have control issues. I said people who prohibit the meeting of metamours aren't comfortable with polyamory. A great, great many people who practice group poly where everyone at least hangs out say that this "spoke" poly isn't real polyamory. I've been in this debate a good few times. And yes, initially it appeared that everyone who practiced this was uber controlling, now I realise that its those who make it a rule to operate that way who are the red flags. Especially those who set those expectations for their partner's relationships as well as their own. When you ask these people why they need that rule/level of control, you'll often find that either one person has severe insecurity/trust issues which are unfounded, or there has been a history of betrayal between the dyad, thus the need to control.

Last edited by london; 11-03-2013 at 08:46 AM.
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Old 11-03-2013, 09:51 AM
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Yes, I would like to know where you are getting the flak also because I see very few people doing the family style of Polyamory, at least online.
Personally the family thing is more my ideal, but I know it is not for everyone and I don't think you should have to meet or socialise with your metamours if you don't want to, as long as everyone is happy with the situation, what's their problem?
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Old 11-03-2013, 10:41 AM
london london is offline
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From what I see, it basically boils down to their conclusion that anyone who doesn't want that level of contact with their metamours are not okay with being poly. It is unethical to have a relationship unless you are totally sure any metamours are completely okay and you cannot trust people to be honest so you have to see yourself. The idea of 'if you love me, you have to love my partner" involved but not in the sense that people have to be sexually involved or in a romantic relationship, but feel great affection for metamours or it isn't polyamory, more an open relationship. Some will go onto make value judgements about poly vs open. Others will just maintain that it isn't polyamory, or "good" poly without that level of entanglement.
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Old 11-03-2013, 04:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crackedpleasures View Post
I find I get a lot of flack for the type of poly I practice. I don't tend toward "family style" or attempting to blend my family with my or my husband's loves and I don't desire that type of relationship. I tend to be a with hub multiple individual lines/spokes coming out from me to others. Those others have their own arrangements. Why do I get so much crap for this? (I've tried to figure it out on my own but I'm interested in the reactions of others).

I will say, I am married and we do have a child. My husband has a girlfriend and I would consider him a spoke from me leading to his V arrangement with him as the hinge there. But I have other spokes. Most of my relationships are non-sexual. Maybe it's because people think I have "just friends"? I can't figure out why it gets under people's skin that I don't desire a giant family style relationship group.
Who are these people demanding you have the one big happy family style of poly? As others have said, reading here at least, the majority of people have V type arrangements, where the metamours may meet, may be cordial, may become friends, may become lovers, maybe even become co-parents.... or OTOH, they may never meet at all (due to distance, preference, time/schedule restraints, shyness, or other reasons).

Now this board is skewed towards newbies who come here with their new-to-poly issues. Maybe more seasoned polys tend to blend lives more fully with their longterm lovers, just because paths eventually, inevitably cross between metamours. But surely it's not some kind of requirement. That just seems weird. Kind of like, if you have a brother and a sister and you all live in separate states, and only get together one on one except in rare situations when all three are available. Does that mean you have unhealthy sibling relations? I think not.
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Old 11-03-2013, 05:18 PM
crackedpleasures crackedpleasures is offline
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Thats how I feel! Like, really?? That is so weird to me. I mean to each their own but I just keep bumping into them. Thank you.
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Old 11-03-2013, 08:18 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I think its sad you get flack. I get flack on here and in real life because we are a very integrated family dynamic.

But I have close personal friends who are like you describe as well and I've never understood why anyone gives a damn unless it's THEIR relationship that they feel isn't going the way they want it.

I wish both sides of the coin would realize-that both ways can work in the right situation (a situation where the people in it like it).
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