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  #1  
Old 01-31-2011, 03:30 PM
angeleyes angeleyes is offline
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Default I appreciate what I have, and so I use what I got.

I was looking on here to see where I thought I might want to dig into some more reading, and then I saw this category for "blogging" about our experiences. This had an immediate appeal to me, since it was something I was talking with greeneyes about last night. I think I would prefer to do this non-anonymously, but she is not ready for that, so I'm glad we have this place where I can do so in a more intimate, more anonymous environment (thus the posting title).

Forgive me if I don't start from the beginning, I really don't like to use that story-telling convention, anyway. I'll undoubtedly include stuff from the past, but I'm going to stay in the hear and now. Right now, I feel like I want to put something out there to the other minds of the "noosphere" or the global sapience, if you will. Thank you for letting me bounce my ideas off of you. I hope to treat your thoughts with respect and you with reverence, as I feel we all deserve =-)

This discussion my partner and I have begun which has brought us to a polyamory forum is uncovering issues that I don't believe were quite so visible before. I doubt that is a unique experience, heh. I appreciate the opportunity to learn and understand more about greeneyes, because she is the sun around which my solar system revolves =-x I hesitate to call where we are "polyamory" or even an "open relationship." As I mentioned in my intro, I am very committed to Ⓐnarchism ("non-rulership"), not merely as a "political" position, but as underlying structure to my philosophy on just about all things (striving for all things).

For myself, I leave open all possibilities including the idea that we never find people with whom to take action as it relates to (what I'll call) "sexual anarchism," but I also believe that our relationship has gotten better since the declaration that my sexuality will not be owned.

I look at an arrangement like "traditional marriage" as a kind of sexual capitalism, and popular references betray the widespread understanding people have of this (even if it is rare to be acknowledged openly). "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" is the first example that comes to mind. A cow and a wife (old form of "woman") are both bridal-ed/bridled to their respective husbands, and go on to provide milk for *his* family's nourishment. I never deny the "lifestyle choice" aspect of my Lesbianism. In my mind, it is a choice I have been very happy with, and I am always glad to see other formerly "straight" people choose to experiment with their own "Queer" nature. I put Queer in quotes there, because I don't really see anything strange about being Queer. To the contrary, I used to be an active member of the Republican Party :: pause for chuckle :: , and I can tell you that the phrase "methinks thou doth protest to much" could almost certainly NEVER be over-applied to the intersection of religious fundamentalism and human sexuality, LOLZ!
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  #2  
Old 02-01-2011, 03:41 PM
angeleyes angeleyes is offline
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I'm realizing that the biggest change so far is an increased sense of forthrightness between greeneyes and myself. I have always endeveavored to deal with her in the most honest way, but there's just not time in the day for "the whole truth" of life, so by neccessity we pick and choose what to say and what doesn't need to be said.

I'm realizing that certain things that fell in the "doesn't need to be said" category were ending up there because I was just uncomfortable talking about them, and I think I was using "not enough time" as an excuse to avoid opening up about certain topics.

Last night I went out with friends while greeneyes wanted to stay home and spend some time with her art. I ran into a young lady (as in "too young for me") at the bar who I know. Although I have suspected at other times that she may have some attraction to me, I've never seen fit to mention it. Now that greeneyes and I have become open to discussing our sexuality in all senses, I was able to share my suspicions with greeneyes last night. I was glad to see that I could share it as a suspicion, she heard me, and then that was pretty much it. She didn't seem distraught or suspicious that there was something more to what I was saying than exactly that =-)

I know there have been some tears, but so far I think we're both happier =-)
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Old 02-02-2011, 02:05 PM
angeleyes angeleyes is offline
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So, three days ago, a friend of ours called up from out of the blue and eventually made his way around to asking about polyamory. He's younger and originally from Latin America, now living in the USA, so he was seeking some advice about making sense of this, particularly in a North American context.

Fast forward to last night, and while a friend was over, both greeneyes and myself ended up mentioning polyamory. Greeneyes does not even remember that she had mentioned it (I could have had a false memory), but it was definitely mentioned by at least me, and without looking to mention it.

On top of this, I went to look at a friend's FB thread where she was talking about looking for work, and the thread had already mentioned polyamory, so I took the opportunity to weigh in with some thoughts.

I don't know where this is going, and I'm trying my best to neither push, nor resist, only to let happen whatever will happen. I feel that the hive mind or community consciousness is pulling me toward something. What it is, I cannot say, but I'm oh so curious...

Actually... now that I think about it, I may have gotten a "clue" where it all heads... greeneyes has been relatively timid towards the idea in general, but last night I had mentioned something from my more sexually crazy 20's that struck a chord, and next thing you know we're discussing a "blackout warehouse party" for 4-5 friends.

The question that lingers is in which friends to approach how. Hmmm.....
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Old 02-02-2011, 08:39 PM
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greeneyes greeneyes is offline
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Default timidness, trepidation, etc...

I have noted that on this forum, and on other poly sites, an emphasis on "not dragging one's feet," and this seems to relate to how long you drag out "the inevitable"- that is to say, the facing of one's fears- before confronting those fears head-on.

Angeleyes and I have had different ways of dealing with fear throughout our lives- or maybe it's better said that we have had different ways of prioritizing the fears that we choose to confront, if that makes sense.

We talked this morning about my "blackout warehouse party" thoughts and I was a bit defensive, because I felt like she was already in the planning stages and I was still at the "this is a sorta cool fantasy" stage. We figured out how to dissolve the defensiveness if this kind of thing happens in the future- it's more about reassurance than anything, I think.

But I wonder how many poly people feel that they are being "held back" by monogamy, and end up pushing their partners (mono or not) to go forward with experiences that the partners may not feel secure in doing? It seems like this is approached in this community with a bit of an "it's-for-your-own-good" mentality, which seems a tad patronizing and coercive.

I guess that I feel like real consent means that both parties need to show enthusiasm for what's about to happen. If that enthusiasm doesn't emerge organically at the outset, that doesn't mean that the person who's hesitant is somehow flawed or wrong about having misgivings. Loving and caring discussion about difficult boundaries is one thing, and it's another to take on the responsibility of pushing another person's limits "for their own good." Hmmm.

One thing that I do fear is that moment when I know that I'll have to swim or sink. I have a very profound love for Angeleyes, and my first instinct with her a lot of the time is to just do what she desires, even when it conflicts with my own needs. I believe a lot of the time our less pleasant conversations arise when I am trying to balance my love for her and wish to demonstrate that love with a need to stand up for myself and have my boundaries respected. I get overly emotional and sometimes end up saying the wrong things or being very defensive and guarded.

I will say that this non-monogamy discussion has led us to have much better understanding of each other.
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Old 02-02-2011, 11:57 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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On this particular forum there is a big push (having been on here for over a year) to "go as slow as the slowest person in the relationship is comfortable".

I wonder-are you refering to a poly-community when you say that there seems to be a push?


In my experience (which has been a nightmare in many ways so please take this with a grain of salt)

the biggest issue is each party understanding that first and foremost they ARE individuals. I'll try to explain what I mean.

It is PERFECTLY ok to not do something that you are not comfortable with. It's not perfectly ok to tell someone else to not do something that they are comfortable doing.

SO-if I want to have two lovers-that should be my right.
IF on the other hand my lovers do not wish to have more than one lover, that should be their right.
ALSO it should be their right not to participate in 3somes (or more) with me if they do not wish to.
In fact it should be their right not to participate in sex with ME if they aren't comfortable doing that.

But it's not reasonable when a person takes their own "limitations" and attempts to press them upon someone else's actions/behaviors.

Now where this gets complicated with Poly-is that it's COMMON for people to think, well, if he dates another person TOO-then I should have a say-so in it. That's fine if BOTH of you agree to that limitation-but if one of you doesn't, the basic rule that you can only control yourself comes back into play.

For me, I see this when Maca shows an interest in being with me and another woman-it's not my place to tell him he CAN'T be with another woman, but I can say I AM NOT GOING TO BE.
I can also say that if HE isn't agreeable to safer sex practices I am not willing to have sex with him, but I can't tell him that he HAS to follow those practices just because it's my preference.

Too often the "slower one" in the relationship isn't trying to limit their own behavior/actions-they are trying to control/limit the OTHER person's behavior/actions.

Ok, that's getting long. I apologize if it's off track or confusing....
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Old 02-03-2011, 12:00 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I apologize-I really ought to have said first,
welcome to the forum!
That was very rude of me.

I'm usually more gracious-I'm having a rough day, but that is NO excuse for being insensitive!

So,

Welcome!

I hope that you find yourself feeling welcome and learning much. There are many people on here with great personalities, lots of friendly "faces".

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