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Old 10-27-2013, 01:58 AM
strawberryrose strawberryrose is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 5
Default Of being new to poly, BDSM and insecurity

Hello all,

I am 7 months into the first relationship of my life. This relationship is intertwined with poly elements as well as BDSM. My boyfriend/top is poly, and I don't think I am or at least am not yet since I have never been comfortable with anyone before him. Bordering on almost considering myself asexual.

He has another girl that he sees regularly and saw before dating me, it is a friends with benefits arrangement that is treated like dating because she does not wish to have any titles attached to it. So I view her as his other girlfriend. I went into this relationship knowing about her and being alright with her.

My boyfriend plays with whomever he wishes in the BDSM aspect of things; the only thing I asked of him was to keep sex between myself and his other girl. But also to let me know if he was interested in anyone else so that we could talk about it.

There is a different girl he has been seeing regularly to play with. And she progressed in closeness via how he addressed her to me. Basically went from "girl I've been playing with lately" to "insert her name here"

So I prepared myself for when he would bring up wanting to sleep with her. I told myself that I would be fine, that I would see her the way I see his other girl and all would be well. He would get another relationship and be happy.

But when he actually asked about it, I froze. I tried to say that it was fine and everything. But I could not. So I said I was not comfortable and started to tear up. I started to panic. "What if that wasn't o.k. with him?" "What if he is suddenly bored of me?" Evil, pessimistic and irrational thoughts flooding my head.

He was fine, and said he would not do anything I was not comfortable with. And that it did not mean he liked me any less. But brought up that I had mentioned to tell me if he was interested in another.

I went home after that and cried for days, on the brink of hysteria, unable to stop. It interfered with my jobs, it interfered with my sleep. He checked up on me during that time over texts, but did not see me breakdown. And at the moment I have it mostly at bay, but will still cry if I let my thoughts run off.

He is well known and loved among the local BDSM scene and both girls I am talking about are as well. All sweet, friendly extroverts and poly. And I suppose I feel like I don't stack up. I don't talk much, more like I don't know how to in public, if others are talking, I shut up. And everyone else in that scene doesn't really see how I fit in since I wallflower in a corner and am so opposite his personality and energy compared to the other two girls. They are younger and more experienced in all of this than I am.

The only time he does not talk to me is when he is with his other girl. His focus is on her, I imagine. So I fear I will lose more of his time when he gets yet another girl. Or if he meets another....and another. I do know a few people in six committed relationships at once and cannot even fathom it. I fear I'll eventually fall to the wayside since I view myself as least interesting of the girls he has been with that I know.

I tried to tell him it was fine if he slept with her, that I was being irrational and that I didn't have a problem over text. He basically called me out on still being uncomfortable and said he would not proceed until I was comfortable since everything is so new for me.

But I want to be comfortable with it. I want to not panic and think he'll leave me every time a new girl comes along. But I don't know how to be comfortable with it right now.

That is my story, I apologize for the long read. Anyone have any advice they could spare? I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you for stopping by.
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Old 10-27-2013, 07:02 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

I think you should really think about whether the benefits of this relationship outweigh the inevitable hardship you'll experience.
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:19 PM
strawberryrose strawberryrose is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 5

Ah, I see.....

I do believe this relationship is very for beneficial for me....I would just like some advice on how to understand better and root out my fears of insecurity. I do apologize if I came off making it sound like a horrible circumstance or that I do not support poly...

My boyfriend is very supportive and understanding and willing to make me comfortable. In turn, I would like to support his feelings and needs regarding poly.
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,143

I am sorry for your pain. Crying hysterically for days on end to the point you can't sleep, work, play... it sucks! BTDT years ago.

Your self esteem is low. You seem to feel inferior because you're a bit older and quieter than his other 2 interests. You're a "wallflower." Ever stop to think about how some people are drawn to quieter people? They can be peaceful to be around, and what they say can be pithier than people who are constantly yakking.

It can be hard to believe a poly person can care about/love you to pieces, want to keep you, and still be drawn to another, or others. But that is how poly people are. If he was mono and drawn to another, he'd leave you. But he's poly and can love several. He's still checking in with you and wanting you to express your feelings so he can comfort and reassure you. Let him in! Let him feel your pain and insecurity, while still owning these are your feelings to deal with, maybe with a little help.

In my case, my gf is quiet and shy, my bf is outgoing and extroverted, I love both of them.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62) loving Pixie (poly, F, 40) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years
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Old 10-28-2013, 01:56 AM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90

I am just curious, since you say this is your first relationship ever, mono or poly, how old are you?

Dealing with all of this for the first time can be overwhelming, especially if you are still getting comfortable learning how relationships can work. It doesn't sound like you have been dating your bf very long, and I wonder if you truly trust him yet. It can be hard to share someone when you are still getting to know them and still building trust.

You also said you aren't sure poly is for you. This is something you need to figure out sooner than later. If poly isn't for you then this relationship is going to be very difficult for you to be comfortable with, but there are other couples on this board where one partner is poly and the other is mono.
MsChristy- married female
C-my husband
H-my partner
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Old 10-29-2013, 07:07 PM
strawberryrose strawberryrose is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 5

@Magdylyn, thank you for your kind words and insight. I really appreciate them. I have since spoken to him and elaborated my feelings to him. Why I believe I am uncomfortable with the situation and then have gained some understanding on his feelings. I know it will take some time to build up my self esteem but I believe I am heading in that direction.

@MsChristy, thank you for your reply and insight as well. I am 25 years old. A little bit of a late bloomer. We haven't been dating too long but he has done nothing to prove himself distrustful, and yet I believe you hit the nail on the head that I did not fully trust him yet. I couldn't say whether I am poly or not yet though, I have been around poly people and seen the relationships for about seven years. Just had never been in one myself and did not realize how it would effect me.
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bdsm and poly, insecurities, new and confused

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