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Old 01-31-2011, 02:21 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89
Default Life Changes..the beginning.

Continuing on from our introduction....

We had our first meeting last night with our friend. We'll call him J. I was a bit nervous, I didn't know how he was going to feel and I didn't want to scare him off. We all sat down, hubby on one side, J on the other. They held hands in my lap, which made me all warm and fuzzy inside. They are both straight (for now? heehee), but have a very close and comfortable relationship which is what I think helps this situation be ideal.

We essentially invited him to be part of our family. We wanted it to be me and hubby, me and J, J and hubby (their friendship), and all of us together. We want him to come over whenever, whether hubby is home or not, whether I am here or not. We discussed our boundaries, actually showed him the list hubby and I had made together, including a no intercourse rule for now. I do hope that will change in the future, but for now I am content with that.

He expressed his concerns, and where his open marriage failed. He's worried about stepping on hubby's toes. He also said his deal was that he was still looking for somebody, and that if he happens to find her, then our situation needs to come to an end. We all agreed that anybody can stop it at any time. I did express my concerns about not wanting to just be a piece of ass, that I wanted respect like they had respect for each other, and hubby has respect for me. He said he understands that and that there is more there than that, he feels a connection as well.

So after we had all of our boundaries gone over, and had a group hug, we all had a drink and piled into our bed. It was an amazing night for me, I wont go into all of the details, things were a little awkward at moments, but in the end all worked out. I was exhausted as I felt it important to make sure that both men were well taken care of. I enjoyed the attention, but I didn't feel that it was about me. I felt completely happy making each one of them feel good.

This morning we discussed our feelings. Hubby said he didn't feel jealous or uncomfortable, which I thought was awesome. J said he did say he was a bit tentative as he still didn't want to step on hubby's toes. I was just on cloud 9 about the situation (NRE???), but I'm also apprehensive about those feelings. I know that this situation is always going to be on the edge of coming to an end, and I'm afraid to get comfortable, or attached. Unfortunately for me, I am one of those people that get attached easily and I did tell both hubby and J. J says that concerns him a bit. It's not so much the attachment I'm worried about, I just know that if I do, it's going to hurt like hell when this comes to an end, and I need to be prepared for that. So I feel torn as far as wanting to happy and excited, and not wanting to get used to this.

J stayed all day until 5. Hubby and I traded off playing with the kids in the bedroom and napping in the morning, while J slept on the couch. I think next time I'll clear out and set up an actual room for him so he can get some sleep. After everyone was awake I made the guys brunch and we all just lounged and played with the kids, and they dorked out to some video games. Even J was playing with the kids and I felt so lucky to have them both there.

I'm not sure where we will go from here. Hubby and I are still discussing a lot about the experience. So far it has been positive, though hubby still has some mixed emotions, but he doesn't really understand them, so he's doing what he can to sort through them. I still want to get more info out of J. I know he's so concerned about stepping on hubby's toes, and I want to get past that once we have established that everyone is still comfortable with how things are going. I'd like to not have that apprehension or wondering.

We've invited him back over next weekend. Friday this time, since he doesn't work Friday nights. He can come over while hubby is at work, so we can hang out for a while, then spend time the 3 of us. I'm still not sure if he will come or not..another thing that I am apprehensive about. I feel like I am in NRE, but he is not, I'm not sure what the result of that will be. He does say he feels a connection with me, and we had some wonderful moments and conversation last night, but when we are together and separately, it's a totally different feeling and I don't really know what that means.

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Old 01-31-2011, 03:21 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999

To clarify, the no intercourse rule is for you and J alone? It sure sounds like you had some great sex last night!

I hear you on the attachment bit. My boyfriend is a pilot. 7 months ago I knew he'd have to move at some point ... now he has. But I lived in the moment with him as much as possible then and our relationship is changing now to be whatever it needs to be to see it through.

Although, because he's mono, I remember that at the outset, he was still looking for a nice mono girl to be with. What really helped me was for him to keep me informed. If he chatted with someone new online, I knew. If he was to go out on a date (only happened once), I knew, etc. I didn't take it to creepy stalker level and demand every detail of everything. Just the little bits of info helped me, because I didn't want to be blindsided by a One True Love.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:41 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89

The no intercourse is between me and J at all, whether hubby is present or not. Hubby said he's not sure if he will ever feel comfortable with it, we will see where it leads. I'm totally cool with that, if it's what hubby needs to be okay with all of this.

I love the idea of being informed, but not to the stalker level. I wasn't sure how to bring that up without sounding clingy and hypocritical, but I might just read your post verbatim as it seems pretty clear!

And yes, great sex, an emotional high, after the last couple of weeks, and particularly 24 hours I am TOTALLY SPENT. It might take me a week to recover at this point! Haha.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:51 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89


Yes, my reference to attachment is the affection and caring, and allowing myself not to hold that back.

I love how you changed the perspective of that. Your post actually brought tears to my eyes. Hubby and J are both military, so any of us can get orders at any point. I know that this will always be a moment away from ending. I would definitely be happy for him if he were to find somebody else, because of the amazing relationship I have with my husband, I wish that everybody can find that kind of love and understanding. I feel like the luckiest person ever!
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:31 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89

We're still a mix of emotions here. Hubby did tell me that he wants me to not hold back, he wants me to put everything into this, and he will work on the things he needs to cope with, while communicating still. Our boundaries are in place and he is content with those. He told J the same thing, though we aren't entirely sure if he got the message yet, as we do a lot of our talking through text and his phone has been a bit temperamental lately as far as delivery goes!! I'm hoping that will ease his reservations about things he tells me as well (J's, not hubbys).

It makes me smile, that he wants to see me happy, and loves me for me! It takes somebody truly remarkable to accept this situation, when you are not like minded. Every day I feel like our marriage grows stronger, and being able to wear my feelings outward has been relieving.
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:53 AM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89

I feel like I'm writing a lot to myself here, but that's what journaling is about, right?

So many uncertainties here at the beginning of this journey. I don't know if it makes it easier, or more difficult to open the door before the emotions really start flowing. Hubby and I had all of the discussions and boundaries set before we proceeded, which was definitely a wise choice. Watching our relationship grow with this new found communication, has been such a wonderful experience. For our marriage, it was the best thing to do, and our marriage is the most important.

But now, here I am caught in this web of what ifs and don't knows. In my mind, I see this relationship between J and I, and between hubby and I, and hubby and J, then all 3 of us together in a comfortable state. J is interested in seeing where this goes, but I have to wonder if he really is interested in pursuing more than a casual relationship (with benefits), with me.

This is all so new, J and I don't really communicate outside of when he is here, and through text, which is not a very effective from of communication. It often leaves more questions than it does answers. He's coming back Friday for dinner, a movie, some one on one time for him and I while hubby is at work. It seems so far away and I have to reign in my thoughts and not ask him to deep of questions through text because I don't know that what I am after will come across right. In the meantime, I'm antsy as hell.

I want to know if he's holding back because of his relationship with hubby? Am I somebody that he would pursue if the situation where different? When he's here, it sure feels like it, but when he's not, I can't tell. When he's here, I feel a strong physical and emotional connection from both sides. When he's not... I get little of that and my thoughts wander. I don't want to be too aggressive, but when you know what you want, and what you like, it's hard to control that.

What I do know, is that in the last two weeks, through all of this I have felt more in tune with who I am, than I ever have. I feel like a better wife, and a better mother. I want to cherish these moments while I can.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:36 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
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Hi Jen,
It all sounds wonderful!

And, yes, attachment, as in wanting and expecting things to stay the same, wouldn't be healthy nor practical. But I see no reason to hold back affection and caring (if that's how you see becoming "attached" to him).

You actually don't know that it will hurt, if and when J. finds someone else. If you tell yourself it will hurt, you could make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, but... where's the fun in that? It might hurt, but it might be something beautiful... there are other possibilities. You just might experience compersion and be happy for him. We always project the worst possible scenario when looking ahead or experiencing a rush of feelings. Why not project a great scenario?

If, after some time being involved, J. got a fantastic job offer that would take him out of the country and far away, wouldn't you be happy for him even though you would miss him? You would want the best for him, so it would be no different in a love relationship. If he wants a primary relationship and finds someone to love in that way, wouldn't you be happy for him? You also don't know where that could lead... A new friendship for you? A quad, maybe? This is all speculation about something that hasn't happened yet, anyway. If you hold yourself back NOW from feeling the joy and pleasure of what you have -- for fear of being hurt later -- you won't truly be present.

I have some friends who always say, "Live today like it's your last." That doesn't mean we don't plan for the future, but it does mean that we never know what will happen, so enjoy every precious moment now. Our time with the people we love will always be limited.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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