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Old 08-06-2009, 07:46 PM
itsazoo itsazoo is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6
Default Jealousy... but what else is new, lol

I don't know if this is the right area to post my situation and ask for advice. I started telling my story in Introductions (Hi from Canada). If this is better somewhere else, please move it, lol.

Anyway, bf #1 is older, aging prematurely, and not up to much any more. This hasn't really been as problem as he has strongly encouraged me to see others during the 2 1/2 years we've been together. While none of them worked out long term so far, it has been fun. I'm not jealous by nature regardless. And he only had an issue with one of my bf's, on account of my talking so much about what a wonderful person he was. They had a chat with each other and all was then well.

I know I'm prone to getting excited while getting to know someone new, and saying whatever comes to mind, which apparently can be taken to imply that they are better than my current bf. But how does one avoid it? Of course the new person will have some great qualities, or I wouldn't be with them! I see them as individuals with unique qualities, each excelling in different areas (and having different weaknesses), thus meeting different needs. I don't see that one takes away from the other.

Anyway, bf #1 met a new couple fairly recently (unmarried but living together), and brought us together as a group. Both men are bi, and we thought it would be great for each couple to "borrow" the other man. I had trouble warming up to the other man at first, but with bf #1's encouragement and through spending time together, I found we were actually very compatible and we had a lot of fun together.

Then it happened that the woman in other other couple needed to leave town for a couple of months for work. I was happy to have more time with him myself; bf #1 wasn't available very much, and didn't have the energy in any case. Bf #2 is physically fit, and thus capable of many things bf #1 is not (but that was the whole point, lol).

The other woman stipulated only that she be told of everything we do, and she was fine with us doing whatever we liked. Bf #2 and I both told our partners how wonderful we were together. And apparently we became more intimate than bf #1 was expecting...

So now bf #1 believes bf #2 is responsible for all the evils of the world. He has left it to me to do as I see best, but it's clearly tearing him up. And bf #2 seems to be treating his partner rather poorly, and won't tell her what we've been doing in my presence any more. We are unable to contact her, and bf #2 claims she isn't interested in playing as a group in any form any more, but he and I can continue on our own. He tells me she is fine with everything, but it doesn't ring true.

This is not the way any of us expected it to go. I do not wish to be involved in any situation where anyone is cheating on anyone else. The point to poly was openness and honesty!

Any input welcome!
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Old 08-06-2009, 07:54 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
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Sounds like the four of you need to get together and go bowling.
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Old 08-06-2009, 08:37 PM
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River River is offline
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
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bi, partnered, available

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Old 08-07-2009, 01:18 AM
itsazoo itsazoo is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6

Ok, I get it... it looks like such a no-brainer now that the story is written down and I've come back to look at it again, lol.

But lest someone take the bowling idea literally, it would surely be bf #1's last and final complete mortification to lose to bf #2 at bowling too! Besides the logistical detail that the other woman is away at work about a thousand miles away, lol.

But yes, message received. Thanks!

Of course, I'm still open to any other input.
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Old 08-07-2009, 02:59 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305

Yikes. This sets off all kinds of alarm bells. I don't think I'd be able to continue anything with bf#2 unless I'd talked to the female partner. Do you have any relationship with her at all? And if my primary was upset, I'd have to fix that, too, before I could continue. The experience I've had is that if anything feels off, then something needs fixed or it will grow exponentially until something explodes.
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Old 08-07-2009, 05:31 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,677

In my experience it is best to put all activity on hold until the girlfriend comes back.... This is hard to do I realize but time works wonders and helps to sort things out and remain respectful to her and the relationship.

I don't think I am getting any of the rest. lol.... geesh, confusing!

Yes, a step away for awhile sounds like a good plan to me...
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