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  #1  
Old 10-22-2013, 06:36 AM
keymasterryuko keymasterryuko is offline
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Post Freakishly scared of poly but the love of my life says he needs it

So we had been dating for about two years when I ended the relationship. One, to get over a lot of emotional abuse that had gone on. Two, to establish who we are as individuals before settling down. I loved him, and still do with every fiber of my being...with an asterisk. We started going out after we'd gotten out of long term relationships and just wanted s bit of a fling. I knew he was poly, we actually met talking about some of his relationship woes. My attitude was the same then as it is now-power to you if that's your thing, and if your lover(s) are cool with it and everybody is happy. He spent a while breaking down the immense barriers I had put up on loving him because I knew that was a part of him and I also knew that just isn't me. But against all intelligent advice, we fell hopelessly madly in love. Then the discussions started. He asked about compromise, offered me books on the matter...and cue the emotional abuse. Asking about my flaws and insecurities and saying hell try to help me get over them made me feel like a project. I don't like being bugged about why I feel what I feel. It's hard enough just feeling shitty without feeling broken. I won't pretend I'm innocent and didn't do the same to him right back. ''Why do you have to have more people? Aren't I enough? You don't actually love me, you're just using me!'' So eventually we tried compromise. He's bisexual, so I let him have sex with other men on occasion, since that doesn't bother me nearly as much as being with other women. It still felt weird, though a couple of threesomes we had were fun. In time it grew that I'd like some time on my own to just find myself and get over emotional damage that had been done. I'm still pretty tender and volatile when I think about him and other women, even now that we're apart. My mother tells me he and I are both young, he might grow out of it. The last compromise we came to was that even if he was poly, he could be happy with ''just me'' and if I ever felt open to the idea of poly, I'd mention it and we'd go from there. I don't see myself ever being receptive to the idea. I've read about how mono x poly can work, but it just doesn't seem like something I'm capable of doing. But this guy means more than the sun and stars to me, and I owe it to him, to me, to any possibility of our healthy future together, to ask for advice. Do you think we will work? I know its not me in any way...but what can I do? He's a dream, this issue aside. We did have other plain old vanilla couple issues, too, and I'm confident that in time we would've ironed them out nicely-most of the issues like that were noticeably better.
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  #2  
Old 10-22-2013, 07:24 AM
london london is offline
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No, I don't think you will work. You are fundamentally incompatible as well as having a history of abuse between you. Love isn't enough.
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  #3  
Old 10-22-2013, 10:27 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I'm not going to try to tell you about people being hard wired mono or poly because I don't believe that. But I am going to tell you that you have to be willing to examine why you feel the way you feel about relationship expectations to have any hope of success at a relationship with this man or anyone who is poly. Most of what we call normal is just what we were conditioned to call normal and that doesn't change without the word "why?".
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Old 10-22-2013, 11:06 AM
keymasterryuko keymasterryuko is offline
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He said once that his introduction to poly was a girl who was dating him and sprung it on him. Rather than reacting to the pain it caused by breaking up with her and the cheating she had done before telling him and getting consent, he said he forced himself to be okay with it. That her happiness was important, even if it meant him being in anguish whenever she was out with someone else. I didn't know how someone could go through that and then subject it on someone else later in life.
As far as my views on being mono...how do you figure out why you've always wanted one person? Just one cozy, content love...
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Old 10-22-2013, 11:54 AM
london london is offline
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Why don't you write ten to fifteen reasons why you prefer monogamy right here?
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  #6  
Old 10-22-2013, 12:46 PM
keymasterryuko keymasterryuko is offline
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Okay.
-It makes me feel special and truly loved, and I don't think I could get that same feeling if I knew there were other people on the side, despite what I've heard about it being possible.
-It's simpler, I'd rather deal with my one lover and his issues with work or friends or what have you than deal with extra relationship nonsense.
-I don't have to delve into the deepest trenches of my insecurities to figure out why I have abandonment issues and jealousy issues. Though, considering I'm here trying to figure out how to budge myself into finding a way to make this work, it is time to get the spelunking gear. I have no idea how to go about that. He tried to help before but because I was so unsure it was too pressured to make me feel safe and secure.
-It doesn't entail the wrenching thought of my lover being with another woman. Him with another man, which I'm still open to, doesnt make me feel as threatened. Yes she is different than me, but when it comes down to it there's a very primal sense of him being mine and needing him to be true to me as the only female.
-Objectifying people is wrong, yes, but honestly I've always loved the idea of being owned by one man. In an equal and honest way, without aggravation or dominance. I loved the thought that I was his, and he was my only precious treasure. To me there is something unspeakably beautiful about that. I know it is childish and selfish (if you think he is that great then why not share him with the world?)
-There is no sense of worry, that they will leave you for someone new and shiny. NRE is hard to deal with firsthand when it fades. So dealing with him having NRE with a girl who has (insert qualities here that I lack) would be very painful.
-It is how I pictured my future. Very 50s sitcom, he walks in the door "honey, I'm home" and I fix him a drink and we have wild kinky sex wherever we choose and fall asleep gaming together. (we had the best sex life.)
I can't really think of much else right now. Currently sleep deprived and in an airport trying to visit sick relatives. I've always been accepting of the idea for others but knew it was never me. Hearing that he "could be happy with just me, and he was throughout the relationship" both made me feel secure and concerned. I'd like to explore every dirty, disgusting insecurity I might have for this endevour. Any and all assurance, advice, assistance and the like are greatly appreciated.
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  #7  
Old 10-22-2013, 12:52 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keymasterryuko View Post
Do you think we will work?
You mention emotional abuse a couple of times in your post. Is this an emotionally abusive relationship?

If it is, I think it is foolish to continue with this association.
If it is not, I think you should stop saying that it is and stop being dramatic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by keymasterryuko View Post
I know its not me in any way...but what can I do?
Imagining that you are alone on an island surrounded by the problems of your romantic partner is fantasy. He has his part in how your relationship works out, and you have yours.

I would move away from this kind of thinking and work to take responsibility for the fact that you are in this relationship and you have profound impact on how it works out (including if it is ended).

Quote:
Originally Posted by keymasterryuko View Post
That her happiness was important, even if it meant him being in anguish whenever she was out with someone else. I didn't know how someone could go through that and then subject it on someone else later in life.

He chose to be in that relationship of his own free will.
You are choosing to continue this relationship of your own free will.
As an adult, you are 100% accountable for the actions you take. Passing this responsibility off on someone else is not going to help your emotional growth.
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  #8  
Old 10-22-2013, 01:15 PM
keymasterryuko keymasterryuko is offline
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We both agreed there was abuse from both sides regarding the issue of poly, and outside of other isolated incidents not regarding poly it was stable-ish (there were petty things but we're both 20, and it was noticeable that they were improving with communication and time) It is one of the biggest reasons we broke up, to heal what had happened, reexamine ourselves and perhaps try again (being cautious not to repeat past mistakes). When it felt like it was a choice between being with him and my sanity and security, being with him won. I choose to be in this mess, to try being with him...I just don't know how to give us both the utmost sense of happiness and security when all talk of compromise had brought nothing but heartache and resentment.
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Old 10-22-2013, 10:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keymasterryuko View Post
We both agreed there was abuse from both sides regarding the issue of poly
How does the philosophy that love is not a scarce resource and that efforts to restrict it should be avoided causing abuse?

What happened that is abuse? And... since you (and your partner) agree that there has been abuse... why the heck are you continuing down this road? Polyamory, loving multiple people, caused abuse? I really don't understand how you have come to this conclusion and I think it's important for you to look a bit deeper into your assertion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by keymasterryuko View Post
When it felt like it was a choice between being with him and my sanity and security, being with him won. I choose to be in this mess, to try being with him
That's your choice; as self-admittedly destructive as it is.

Personally I think it's good to know what your priorities are, even if they happen to be acquiring as much pain as possible.

Good luck with your decision to live a life of pain
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  #10  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:29 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I can't speak for the OP

but abuse does happen among all demographics, it isn't the theory that love is not scarce that is abusive, nor does it have to do with basic poly principles, however there are numerous abuses that take place which are specific to certain sects of polyamory

Once a person is labeled a cowboy or a cowgirl, no matter if it is true or not, is one situation where people justify abusive behavior by rationalizing that they deserve it.

Some polyships, in the name of openess or being able to trust those you are involved with, allow others to have their passwords so that they can read any email of messenger communications, which isn't wrong, but without letting others know by saying "by the way, we share an e-mail account, so just know that I might not be the only one reading our conversation" is not exactly respecting a person's privacy, although that is not black and white in regards to abuse until one begins corresponding with multiple people but under the impression he is messaging one person's private account. Things like changing fonts or variation in the way you end or start a message does not qualify as letting them know they are not corresponding with who they believe they are.

When the person believes they are corresponding with someone they care deeply about, yet their metamour is the one who responds, that is abusive behavior. Even if you don't mind being mislead and honesty and clarity is not important to you, treating others like that without their permission is abusive unless they desire to be treated like that. Since most people -- in general -- don't like being mislead, pretending it was an honesty mistake I would find rather hard to believe.

They way to identify the worst types of abusers is to see how their behavior changes when they believe the cannot get caught -- and therefore will not be held accountable for their actions. Abusers would never abuse others if they were held accountable for their abusive behavior, so they rely to a large degree on subtlety and anonymity, and they will continue to abuse so long as they believe they can get away with it.

I can only speak for myself but if the only reason a person does not commit crimes, is because of a large police presence, I would waste my time with such a person as how are they going to behave the minute the police are gone?

They take advantage of situations as they present themselves which is a red flag to me, I would rather become involved with those who I trust not to abuse another human because it is against their belief system, and not because they won't get caught and certainly not because they simply disagree with another's poly dynamic.

there are many people who would rather poly remain underground and as secretive as possible, because that is the number one way abusers get away with abuse, by keeping secrets that go beyond person privacy

these are just a few of ways abuse happens
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