Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-28-2011, 12:17 AM
axlfreak axlfreak is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 15
Post New and shakey - Night one with the new GF

Ok so let me first say I've been lurking here for a few weeks now. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for nearly 6. We have had a Mono relationship up to now, and neither of us realized we might be Poly.

He and I have some interests that are quite different, as in he is somewhat of a comics, D&D, computer guy. And while I am into those things as well, I am not as deep in as he is. A little over a year ago in September 2009 he got a job at the same place as me (which involves the 'geek' sub-culture I mentioned) and started training. He met a girl (I'll call her K) in his training class who was much more interested in the 'geek' culture than I am. So they were work buddies. I knew then that she would have him in a hot second if he only said the word. But I also knew he was not a cheater. So I tamed my jealousy and began viewing her as just another friend of his.

Fast forward to October 2010. Our company has a yearly meeting and Expo in another state and my husband desperately wanted to go. I would gladly have joined him, but they were only allowing a certain number of workers to attend and so I bowed out to up his chances of being chosen. He was selected to go. So was K. I should also mention that my husband has dealt in recent years with a crippling depression that kept him isolated for nearly 3 years of his life, and he still has trouble doing some things alone. That being said, this trip was a big deal. He hadn't been out of town without me for at least 4 years. During this trip he found out that K was kind of 'rogue' Poly. She had a live-in boyfriend, and a Long Distance one. No big deal, her business, not ours. But I think this trip, and that info got his wheels really turning.

Again fast forward, to about a month ago. My husband, who is not generally a drinker, started drinking Redbull and Vodka nightly. This tipped a warning trigger in my head as my father is an alcoholic. So we talked, and he talked more and more openly when he was drinking. It came out that he felt disconnected from me when it came to sex. Again, backstory... I was raised Church of Christ, and although I consider myself a recovering christian, that does have an effect on a girls sexuality. Also, he was abused at a young age by his mothers boyfriend, which has obvious and not so obvious side effects itself. So what it came down to is that he was happy with me on various levels, but sex just wasn't one of them. Or rather, sex was incomplete. He says he thinks he needs to be with someone who is 'damaged' to get the connection he craves from sex. It isn't just the acts, we had been spicing up out acts for months. What he needs is something he can't get from me. Almost as if I am 'whole' while he is 'damaged.' If I can explain better, it's like having friends whose parents have been together for 25 years, while your parents had a nasty divorce and custody battle when you were 8. Your friend means well, and is there for you, but can't fully understand or commiserate. It doesn't change what you feel about them, but they simply can't offer what you need.

So that's where we were and we both knew the direction it was heading. He felt he needed to have sex with someone else. If only to answer the question of 'is this what I need?' So we discussed it. Many tearful nights, onto weeks of unrelenting discussion. What we came to is that he doesn't really want random sex. He wants another partner who gets him on that level, where I simply cannot. So we started to discuss Poly-amory. What was it? Were we interested? Could we both handle it? What were the alternatives? Well we decided we did want to be together for sure. That no matter what was offered, we still wanted each other. That was key.

So then we started talking about girls. What did he need? What could I handle? How is this to be done? Well I kept saying things like 'A girl like K.' Eventually this led to 'What about K?' He admitted, to me and himself, that she was really the one he was interested in. But I already knew that. So I gave him my acceptance to go for her, while staying with me. He spoke to her the very next day. She was willing, and had been interested for some time, but was staying back out of respect for me. But then we got thrown for a loop. Not only did K have her live in boyfriend, and the LDR, but her female 'roommate' is also her partner of over 10 years. So this was another layer we weren't expecting. However K had been unhappy with the live in BF for sometime, and has since let him go. That leaves us with the immediate situation with 'C' the partner. 'C' is not as open to the situation as I have been. Which is strange since 'K' has had more than one additional partner over the years. For whatever reason 'C' has been most resistant, which makes it harder for me to stand up under my own decisions. But that, as they say, is whole other bucket of fish.

I tell this long story to get to my current issue. My husband and K are out tonight, with the idea that he will not be back until this same time tomorrow. So that is the cementing of what we are doing. He is planning to have sex with her tonight, although I have sneaking suspicions that they already have. My point in all of this is to ask for advice and draw from the experiences you all have had. What is normal to feel? And by normal I mean, what is something one in my position usually contends with emotionally?

I *think* that I am ok. That it really doesn't bother me to know that they are having sex. But that idea seems so foreign in my recovering christian head, that I'm not sure if it's real, or if I'm convincing myself. What are danger signs that I am not ok? Would it be normal to cry? To fill my time so I don't think about it at all? To dwell? What should I expect when he walks back in the door? Again, to cry? To feel relief? To be happy for him? To be jealous and/or angry? I feel very lost in this world, although I chose to enter it. I would just like some info from those of you who can give it. Make a new girl feel welcome.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-28-2011, 03:47 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

hi there, take a breath and know that YOU are okay... anything that you feel and think is okay. It is almost certain that people on here can relate to what you are going through.

Take some time to read here and get comfortable with your feelings through other peoples stories of their journey. That could really help... if you check the search engine and do a tag search, you will come up with lots of good stuff.

You have come to a really good place where people are willing to help you get through stuff as best as they can... its okay to be vulnerable as we can almost always relate in some way as we are on similar paths.

Take care, and welcome.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-28-2011, 04:36 AM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

It sounds like you are handling it well. But is also sounds like you just haven't had time to fully absorb what is happening.

I get warning bells when someone says they want to have sex with a more damaged person. But that may just be his way of saying he wants something different in a way that may be less likely to offend you.

I think for the first data of your spouse, the best thing is to keep busy and not dwell on what is happening. Have fun. Eat ice cream and watch a favorite movie. Or go out with friends and have a good time. It is natural to feel like you are on a roller coaster of emotions at first until you have dealt with some of the new issues that come up.

Make sure you can talk to him about how you feel. It is ok to say you are jealous and felt sad or whatever. The difference is that it does not mean he has to stop doing what he is doing so much as pay attention to what you are feeling. Sometimes, you just need to let the other person know what you feel.

I think it helps to try to be happy for him and try to focus on the positives.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-29-2011, 07:30 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,620
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by axlfreak View Post
Ok so let me first say I've been lurking here for a few weeks now...
Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Take some time to read here and get comfortable with your feelings through other peoples stories of their journey...
I think she already did.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-30-2011, 12:35 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: America's High Five
Posts: 299
Default

Welcome. I can really relate to your post. You are doing it right. You have totally come to the right place. Literally and figuratively. You sound like the two of you have made a well reasoned decision and love each other dearly. The best advice I could give is to feel free to ask any question that comes to your mind when he comes home. I have found that my imagination of what my wife's relationship with her boyfriend is like tends to be much harder to deal with than the actual relationship. If you're wondering about something and it's eating at you, speak up, ask him about it, and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Bringing those things into the light makes processing all the emotions you're sure to feel much easier.

Best of luck to you both.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-28-2011, 04:47 AM
axlfreak axlfreak is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 15
Smile Ty ty

Thanks for the help so far. I didn't feel like going out, not that I'm depressed, I'm just a homebody. I did go get food that my husband doesn't like, and bought a toy for the cats. Since then I've mostly been doing some house-cleaning. Although I'm not generally a neat freak by any means, cleaning still gives me a focus. Maybe I'll rent a movie too. Thanks again.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-29-2011, 07:28 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,620
Default

axl, it sounds to me like you and your h have discussed all this opening of your marriage fullly before taking the plunge. If you feel fine while he is out with K, dont go looking for trouble. I'd say most people would feel some jealousy, feel a little insecure, when their partner is out for their very first poly date, but then again, Ive talked to people who say they don't have a jealous bone in their body.

The only concern I have is where you said you suspect your h and K have already had sex, yet he won't admit it. That needs to be cleared up. A little white lie here and there could lead to trouble. My gf and I are always completely honest and open about our activities and feelings for other partners, even if it hurts. It makes for more trust and good times in the long run.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-30-2011, 04:20 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by axlfreak View Post
..........
I *think* that I am ok. That it really doesn't bother me to know that they are having sex. But that idea seems so foreign in my recovering christian head, that I'm not sure if it's real, or if I'm convincing myself. What are danger signs that I am not ok? Would it be normal to cry? To fill my time so I don't think about it at all? To dwell? What should I expect when he walks back in the door? Again, to cry? To feel relief? To be happy for him? To be jealous and/or angry? I feel very lost in this world, although I chose to enter it. I would just like some info from those of you who can give it. Make a new girl feel welcome.
Hey Axl,

I think you are doing fine. You've identified things pretty clearly and are keeping some distance - not letting things run away with you.

"reactions" are normal and expected. But you are doing something out of love and concern - in other words for positive reasons. You're cristian background and the culture we live in have to be bypassed. Of course it's going to take some effort (read emotions).
But you seem solid. Keep clarity. Remember what and why you are doing this. And remember that emotions are nothing more than that. Chemical processes. Not necessarily tied to physical reality. You take charge and don't let them

GS
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-31-2011, 12:05 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

I had to chuckle when I read you bought a cat toy; I love a little retail therapy for my pets when I am stressed. It's nice to make them happy.

In reality, they're happy with cardboard boxes, but they're mine to spoil!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:46 AM.