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  #1  
Old 01-27-2011, 05:53 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi folks, had a interesting discussion last night. I think she was trying to be supportive by saying I was her primary and blah, blah. At which point I said " what if I don't want to be the primary" I think she said I want you as my primary. I said in poly isn't everything negotiable why is this any different. I then asked "who do you think about when you have mental free time, how much time do you spend texting or checking in on the phone with him. The answer I got was some question to me and some avoidance bs. I then said, "if you are spending you free mental time thinking of this guy... then he's already the number one thing on your mind. He may as well have the title to go along with it. And conversely I'll gladly switch places or be something even less if that meant being the focus of your thoughts and attention. Or better yet just your thoughts. Things got a little more heated after that. And this idea seemed to really bother her. I thinking Ok. whats my up side? I/we get less time, attention, focus. I get to be her emotional tampon when things get rough, in all things not just this relationship stuff but her job, friends, etc. And I almost forgot the financial piece. Here's women who makes over 80 grand a year who never has a buck. Her money is her money and my money is our money. When I think of all the money I have spent/invested in this I could have bought a small island somewhere, a topic for another time. All For What? Whats my up side again?? I said I'm not sure I want the responsibility of primary and I would let her know. Maybe tertiary, but that might not work seeing there is only two, I get that status by default, hey lucky me. I wonder if she'll be thinking of this conversation the next time she pickup her blackberry. What am saying she most likely emailed an entire transcript 3 min after it ended last night. Got go have a lunch meeting.
Look forward to hearing the replies D
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Old 01-27-2011, 06:18 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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All I can say, is that was an interesting approach. I can't immagine her not thinking about that conversation for awhile yet. Very interested to see how she responds to this.

I have never understood the "what's mine is mine, and what's his is ours". Living expenses as well as household chores should be shared. Not saying 50/50, but proportional based on income, ability, etc. Maybe re-negotiating that could help you start finding a balance, where you don't feel like you are being taken advantage of.

Last edited by SNeacail; 01-27-2011 at 06:22 PM.
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Old 01-27-2011, 09:10 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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BrotherMan,

You and your wife have some serious issues the two of you need to address so that you get your marriage on the right track. Among them are basic fairness, trust, honesty and communication, going strictly on what you have written on this forum. A counselor or therapist might be really useful to y'all to help you sort through things and acquire the tools you need to work through it and get your relationship back on track.

Adding the complications of polyamory to an unhealthy relationship never solves the underlying problems.
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Old 01-27-2011, 10:22 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Was that a vent you just had? I am kind of waiting too. To see what you think about what the conversation you had.

You basically have told her that you are not wanting to be the soul supporter of her and her emotions and actions in her relationships. That is fine, but that means she will go elsewhere. Are you okay with that?

Just because she texts and talks to others more does not indicate a hierarchy. You as a couple decide on that... and I suggest that you move out of it frankly as hierarchies are useful to a point and then they just become disrespectful to the people involved. Everyone is worth being on a even ground I think

It sounds like you are thinking that she doesn't consider you in the position you hold in her life. So tell her that and tell her what position you want to have, including details about your needs and boundaries...

It sounds like this needs renegotiating and refocusing on... that is not something to be sarcastic about all the time, just as a vent maybe... if in fact it was venting sarcasm you were doing in your post? Eventually sarcasm leads to passive aggression in my experience, rather than being assertive about what you need. I say assertive rather than aggressive... assertion comes with a heavy dose of respect and consideration of words, and compassion for the listeners position. Aggression with attempt to bring the listener down in some way... if you want respect you have to give it also.

As to the money issue? I don't think its fair to bring that up when you are pissed off. If you don't like it, change it... it's not open season on everything you hate about your life with her when you have a fight I don't think... If you realize there is something that you would like to change when you are in the midst of a fight then put it aside and work on that later. It sounds like you have an imbalance of finances going and that you don't understand why. So that is to deal with separately. If you don't, and things carry on, and you know that you don't like the situation, then its on your head not hers I think. If you don't address issues that are a concern of yours and not hers, then that is your issue, not hers. Its not fair or relevant to other arguments to bring that up.

Stick to the topic at hand and work at one thing at a time... blowing up over everything at once is bordering on verbal abuse for some people. Not to say that you are, but to let oneself go in that way can be extremely destructive rather than instructive. Again, perhaps you were venting to us, and that is completely valid and welcomed... I do that with people too with a reminder that I just need to vent in order to gain some composure to be able to handle the situation. Often it becomes clear where to head after and I appreciate the ear.

I use to blow up and throw words at people, situations at people and damaged relationships and chances at working towards something better... it isn't worth it in the end and I hurt people I love. Now I make every attempt to get a grip on my feelings before that... It might take some therapy to be able to do that... or a course in communication. There is a thread on that here in the stickies... I also suggest looking into non violent or compassionate communication techniques. They have changed my communication life ten fold.
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  #5  
Old 01-27-2011, 10:30 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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@RP - Ouch! Your absolutely right, but what you said hit real close to home for me. Again Ouch! Off to find some more books to read...
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Old 01-27-2011, 11:51 PM
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I can't claim to know how you feel, since I'm in a very different place in life, unmarried, college student, female etc. I would take heart in knowing that she's is likely experiencing NRE right now which is why she thinks about him and txts him a lot. It's sounds like you've been married a long time. It doesn't mean that she loves you less or that she sees him as primary. The NRE will pass. It may be obnoxious and hurtful even, but it can't last forever. I hope that she and her SO are respectful of your needs while they enjoy NRE. I doubt there's much I can say to make anything better but I do wish you the best in figuring out what you need to be happy.
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