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  #1  
Old 10-18-2013, 07:18 PM
WalksThroughFire35 WalksThroughFire35 is offline
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Default Fell for a monogamous woman

So, I have to say first of all that I am extremely new to this polyamorous thing, but basically I have figured out that I am capable of loving more than one person. I have a fantastic primary partnership, where she is sexually non-monogamous but not emotionally non-monogamous. I, however, have figured out that I am.

I have looked for other partners, but have yet to find anyone non-monogamous that I was interested in. So, about a month ago, out of the blue, I met someone who is in a monogamous relationship. We started flirting, however, I was very careful not to cross any boundaries because I knew she was married. But then she started flirting with me and initiated physical affection. I checked in with her and she said she had been discussing it openly with her partner ... so thats not so much the issue.

The issue really is that she is completely emotionally monogamous, and although she has opened up to communicating with me on a very intimate level, she continually gets hurt at the idea that I have a partner and she cannot be the only one in my life. I know it sounds weird because she has a partner, but I think when we are communicating, she finds herself living in an "alternate reality" where the rest of the world does not exist. Then, when reality sets in and we start discussing what I am doing in the world with my partner and that I could eventually date other women one day, she gets really hurt and then has to re-evaluate for herself, her emotional investment in this "relationship" with me. I don't even know what to call it at this point. All I know is that I feel so strongly for this woman, and she is very drawn to me. What complicates this even more, is that I just moved across the country from her. When we met, it was less than a month before I would move. We thought we wouldn't really continue this connection when I left, but we have through text/e-mail/skype. I keep waiting for her to cut it off, but she has not yet. But these situations keep happening where we are connecting well but then she realizes it is not reality, then reality sets in that I am poly and she is not, and she recoils.

It makes me wonder if I am just crazy for even going about this, or if it is possible to just visit her in this "alternate reality" or "parallel dimension" when we communicate, where she can believe for a little while that nothing else exists ... where if she is on board with it, I just wouldn't talk about my other relationships. I mean, I would rather have something with her than nothing at all .... but not at the expense of our mental health. I guess I'm wondering if this would be healthy or not, but I also know that love is not easily put into categories of "healthy" and "unhealthy." But have I just "picked" the wrong person? I ask myself that, but then I also feel like I've never met anyone like her and how can I control who I have feelings for? I mean, I would cut it off and respect/set boundaries if she told me we have to dial down our communication or stop talking ... but she isn't telling me that. At least not yet. Maybe she will eventually. But right now she is just re-adjusting her mindset to be more realistic about the fact that she cannot be the sole woman in my life.

Has anyone else had experience with this?
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  #2  
Old 10-18-2013, 08:29 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Susan is completely don't ask/don't tell. She knows I have others, but it sends her into a emotionally bad place when I mention anyone but Kay.

On the other hand, she will tell me what is going on in her life with her men. However, this is because I repeatedly let her know that I was interested. It was a long time before she would let me in to that part of her life. I don't know if she enjoys having someone to talk to, or if she is doing it because she thinks I like it. Honestly, I have mixed feelings.

Kay will listen to anything I have to say, but isn't really interested one way or the other. She wasn't even hurt the first time I told her that I loved Susan.

But yes, Susan wants to pursue the fantasy of being my only one.
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  #3  
Old 10-19-2013, 01:16 AM
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There is no parallel universe or alternate reality. This isn't Star Trek, jeez. She simply chooses not to see reality. If I were you, I wouldn't continue with her. It's too much potential for drama - look at how fucked up and confused you feel now, at this early stage - it will only get worse. Personally, I prefer partners who can handle the truth and live with both feet on the ground. I highly recommend you do the same.
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Old 10-19-2013, 10:45 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default what is the situation like?

Do you also have a problem with the emotional side of having more than one relationship?

It's been my experience that most people have trouble with the same basic types of problems, just different details and to varying degrees. There is a lot more tit-for-tat type of dynamic going on then people typically divulge, and most people are more conservative when mentioning their insecurities while being much more liberal in citing their own.

Tit-for-tat can also be viewed as being fair, as in it is hypocritical to engage in something that you aren't down for your partner doing, but the idiom is more often used in a negative connotation, as in tit-for-tat in regards to how much trouble people give each other. It isn't the best idea to go by "eye for an eye" mentality with people you care about.

So since she sounds so perfect in all other ways, you might want to figure out what your situation is like. Do you only want to tell her about your other relationships because she tries to tell you about hers?

or does she not mention her other relationships at all, as that sort of seems to more along the lines of "alternate" reality.

You may want to ask her if talking about others is what is bothering her, so that you can clarify is if just the mention of other bugs her or only certain things. Some people want to share everything, some don't want to share specific parts and so for whatever reason, she obviously doesn't want to share those parts of your life. My secondary doesn't want to be responsible for hardships like missing work when the kids are sick. It sounds like your secondary doesn't want to hear about other lovers, some people have never even met their lover's lover so as far all they know, she doesn't really exist.

Before you break up with her, you might want to make sure everything is in reality, as you are seeing it -- even if it is alternate -- because unless you need to mention your other lovers (despite knowing she doesn't want to hear about it) most people don't have a problem not talking about it. I used be employed in a line of work which my partner didn't like hearing the details of , even though the job was a big part of my life I completely understood and had no problem not mentioning, what I knew would upset her.

To be honest, for the poly relationships I am familiar with in this situation, the problem occurs when both parties prefer to keep their relationships compartmentalized and would rather not discuss other lovers, but one person routinely attempts to discuss exactly that. But rather than tell the other person that they don't like the subject of other lovers, they engage in the tit-for-tat game and now they are both talking about their other lovers and instigating jealousy.

So it's important to talk to her and find out if it merely the mention of other lovers, or just specific aspects, because

yes

if she is asking you not to discuss other lovers, and you cannot fulfill that request, it is best that you aren't in a relationship. You need to ask her so that you can figure it out, as not everyone is the best at being assertive, but it definitely appears her sudden switch from happen to sad is you mentioning other lovers, so rather than drill her insecurities or speculate and break up with her, I would ask her.

Personally I think a lot of people end up treating their partners way too harsh by engaging in "I am more perfect poly than you are" mentality and picking apart peoples insecurities (only assholes engage in drilling) and trying to hit a nerve isn't the best way to find partners.

If you need a bomb-proof or nuke-proof poly partner, the responsible thing to do is tell them you will be drilling. But I am probably getting a little ahead of myself and jumping to conclusions, so I'll give it a rest.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 10-19-2013 at 11:03 PM. Reason: typos
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Old 10-20-2013, 02:24 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WalksThroughFire35 View Post
The issue really is that she is completely emotionally monogamous, and although she has opened up to communicating with me on a very intimate level, she continually gets hurt at the idea that I have a partner and she cannot be the only one in my life. I know it sounds weird because she has a partner, but I think when we are communicating, she finds herself living in an "alternate reality" where the rest of the world does not exist. Then, when reality sets in and we start discussing what I am doing in the world with my partner and that I could eventually date other women one day, she gets really hurt and then has to re-evaluate for herself, her emotional investment in this "relationship" with me.
I totally don't get it. Is she emotionally monogamous or not? Her label says one thing, her behaviour says another.

Her emotionally monogamous relationship is with her spouse, not you. If she's emotionally monogamous, then why would she give a hoot whether you date other women? Unless, of course, she actually does have emotional attraction to you, in which case she's not emotionally monogamous.

I think that's the first issue to sort out. If she can't admit that she has feelings for you, then she can't begin to deal with how to handle those feelings and what potential consequences accompany those feelings.

You can't control who you have feelings for, but you can control how you respond to those feelings. If she has too much baggage and it's going to be more trouble than pleasure, you have the choice to end the relationship and find someone less complicated. In time, the feelings you have for her will wane.
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Old 10-23-2013, 01:32 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Her emotionally monogamous relationship is with her spouse, not you. If she's emotionally monogamous, then why would she give a hoot whether you date other women? Unless, of course, she actually does have emotional attraction to you, in which case she's not emotionally monogamous.
Have to agree. Might be incorrect phrasing by the OP.. she could just be intellectually monogamous.

Might be worth more discussion with her, to find out if she is monogamous because of external reasons. Might just be tradition.. might be worth finding out a little more in case her monogamy is simply over powering because it is the way it has always been.. vs what she actually "feels"..

As an example. My mom is someone who is monogamous. She loved my Dad and still loves my Dad. He died 15 years ago and in many ways hasn't been able to move on. Completely unhealthy, yes (some might say romantic but I wouldn't).. but she is emotionally monogamous.

Personally I have never been in a relationship where I wasn't emotionally attached to someone else. Period. Even when I was mono, I was always interested in someone else.. sexually or even intimately. However, it took a kick in my butt in my earlier years to realize I was non-monogamous and then years later learn I could love more than one (which was an equally painful kick in the butt).
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Old 10-23-2013, 01:26 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by WalksThroughFire35 View Post
S

I have looked for other partners, but have yet to find anyone non-monogamous that I was interested in.
Thats common. But honestly, with how infrequently mono/non-mono world seems to jive, I might just avoid mono's altogether. And in fact I do.

Ok thats a lie, but I am also not limited to just poly, so sometimes I have had fun with mono's but thats a different beast.

Quote:
The issue really is that she is completely emotionally monogamous, and although she has opened up to communicating with me on a very intimate level, she continually gets hurt at the idea that I have a partner and she cannot be the only one in my life.
If you pursue this, it is possible (anything is in relationships) but you both have a shit tonne of work to do. She would need to understand and want to be mono with you, while you aren't mono with her. Thats a tonne of potential drama and work you both need to decide to do.

Possible yes!.. do you want to do it, is it worth it? Only you can decide.

Quote:
I know it sounds weird because she has a partner, but I think when we are communicating, she finds herself living in an "alternate reality" where the rest of the world does not exist.
In poly we call in NRE.. in the real world we call it infatuation.. sometimes it just boils down to lust.

Its shiny now, its exciting now.. what happens when that luster wears off? Who ends up hurt?

Quote:
It makes me wonder if I am just crazy for even going about this, or if it is possible to just visit her in this "alternate reality" or "parallel dimension" when we communicate, where she can believe for a little while that nothing else exists ... where if she is on board with it, I just wouldn't talk about my other relationships. I mean, I would rather have something with her than nothing at all .... but not at the expense of our mental health. I guess I'm wondering if this would be healthy or not, but I also know that love is not easily put into categories of "healthy" and "unhealthy."
Again up to you. I can only describe what I wouldn't do. I avoid the obviously dramatic. This will be dramatic and will cause turmoil and heart ache before it ever settles into something within this reality.

Quote:
But have I just "picked" the wrong person?
haha.. sounds like a strawberry.. no picking in relationships.

Quote:
Has anyone else had experience with this?
Yes.. my first "poly" relationships was one sided with me loving her, and her being mono. She was the smart one of the two of us and cut it off. Knowing full well it could never work. We loved to fuck but could never love..

It worked out for the best, a little over a year later we were again close friends and the NRE had subsided enough for my lizard brain to shut the fuck up. I had also been in another relationship which helped..

I still love her, but the insane drive to be in a relationship with her is well under control. Now I have the best of what I can get with her and its now what I want. A solid friendship. And no drama.
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