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Old 10-12-2013, 01:11 PM
Ihq Ihq is offline
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Default Looking for advice/perspective

We are very new to the polyamorous world.

We have been together for 8 years, married for 6 of those. In complete honesty, we have dealt with a ton of jealousy and controlling behavior on both our parts in the past, but seemed to get ahead of that in the last couple years.

Recently we started talking about poly as an option for us. I probably even lead the discussion. After some discussion we decided that we were going to give this a try.

Now there seems to be several roadblocks, at least for me right now, and I am having a hard time working towards this.

Some of the problems for me moving into this is that, for lack of a better word, the rules keep changing. Originally he just wanted me to date girls - and this kind of worked because he was talking about wanting us to find a person to love together. We do know that this is not always possible, and often not even probable. He was not sure how comfortable I was with sleeping with guys.

In the change of moving from one spectrum to the other, he found a girl. Which is fine. And when I really think about it, I am happy for him. In many ways it was good, because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to find someone else. And, just because, I knew it would stress him out if I was dating someone and he wasn't. But, in all these changes of what we wanted they seemed to be changing to match the relationship he wants with this girl. Which is honestly, almost opposed to what I wanted, but I am still trying to work with it.

The relationship with her is brand new. They have exchanged emails for about 3 weeks and gone on two dates. During the dates, I actually have found that I have no issues. I am not worried or upset or anything like that. But, each time he has done some stupid little lack of respect thing that really gets to me - for example being late without telling me (and then saying it was because she didn't tell him what time it is).

I have some issues with her, I think. And I don't know if those issues I have with her are her, or because I am frustrated with him.

The end result to all this is me feeling extremely vulnerable and hurt. I have asked him to take (particularly the emotional aspect) of this new relationship slowly so that I can get my balance and be okay. I am aware that for this to work, I have to catch my breath with all these changes. But the NRE he is feeling is not allowing for that. I am so afraid that if I can't get balanced with this, that I am not going to be able to do this, and this in the end will end up hurting not only us, but her as well.

Any thoughts, perspective or advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 10-12-2013, 02:26 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ihq View Post
Some of the problems for me moving into this is that, for lack of a better word, the rules keep changing.
Being your first go at it, I'm not surprised that the goal posts are shifting around. It seems reasonable to expect that how you envisioned this working out in theory will look different then how it actually plays out.

I don't function with rules on how I can behave (you have to pay me for that) but I understand that many people do. I suggest taking a look at what rules you have in place and whittle them down to the most absolutely essential. Which are the rules that are in place to keep you from real harm? I'd say if any of *those* rules get broken then speak up and say it like you mean it.

Otherwise, chasing him around with the tedium of rules is probably going to fall on deaf ears - certainly while he's got some NRE pumping.

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Originally Posted by Ihq View Post
But, each time he has done some stupid little lack of respect thing that really gets to me - for example being late without telling me (and then saying it was because she didn't tell him what time it is).
This rule, for example. What was the explicit agreement you had about when he was to return? Was it that he needed to come home when the street lights came on?

Rules to sate your personal comfort might seem like a good idea at the time, but restricting someones behavior is bound to breed resentment and rebellion. Most people don't like being told what to do with their personal lives and this includes lovers.

It's good to look at your initial expectations and rules and give them a critical and adult look. Don't let pride or fear get in the way of making reasonable changes to your expectations and resulting "rules".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ihq View Post
I have asked him to take (particularly the emotional aspect) of this new relationship slowly so that I can get my balance and be okay. I am aware that for this to work, I have to catch my breath with all these changes.
Some people don't get caught up in NRE and can function just fine while experiencing it. I find this to be true with people who have experienced it many times in their life so it is not a misconception of "I've never felt this way before" ... because they have so many times. For people who have only had a couple of loves, NRE can be pretty much crippling because they allow themselves to be tricked into thinking it's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

"Take it slow" might seem like a perfectly reasonable request from your perspective, but you might be trying to explain how to set the clock on the VCR to a guy who dropped too much X. There's no harm in saying it, if it's something important to you, but if your expectation is for him to snap out of it and be perfectly rational then you might need to revisit your expectation.

You'll note that pretty much everything you talked about was concerning him, and everything I've talked about is mainly about you. This is the big shift that will help you grow in polyamory (and relationships in general). It's important to realize that we are the masters of our own destiny; that our feelings and actions are entirely of our own design and responsibility. So focus on changing *your* actions in order to grow and mature instead of changing *his* actions to facilitate your growth.
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Old 10-12-2013, 07:52 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I think you are doing fine

A lot of people try to date another person as a couple, it's only a problem when you are not flexible and willing to let go of that when things don't turn out that way. And you did, so luckily you won't get attacked for hunting.

It all sounds like standard insecurities that you would likely find no problem dealing with if your boyfriend was acting like an adult.

I don't know anybody that would seriously try something like this

(and then saying it was because she didn't tell him what time it is).

I know 13 year-olds that are more mature than that

Everybody makes mistakes, it's what you after that counts, and that is pretty disrespectful.

If that was your first time with him out on a date and he said he would call by a certain time, and hours later he doesn't , it is little things like that which can make your first attempts at opening up a nightmare.

Yes, you should eventually be able to make it through all these little hardships, but there really isn't any point in trying it if he isn't going to be respectful. Disrespecting your lovers will burn even a poly veteran, and getting way to caught up in NRE does ruin relationships, but it's too early to even know if he is going to go all NRE crazy.

Sounds like it's just him being irresponsible and people like that can be impossible to be in a relationship with, even for monogamists, disrespect is disrespect is disrespect.

It could be on accident, so you are going to have to tell him that he needs to follow through with the little things like checking in as it makes life much easier for you.

Why put yourself through crap that could easily be taken care of with minimal effort on his part

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 10-13-2013 at 12:32 AM.
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Old 10-12-2013, 08:59 PM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
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Default The Poly learning Curve

Here's a graphic for a game, but from what I have read here it fits with figuring out Poly as well.

The Poly Learning Curve.

The issues you have talked about can often be worked out through educating yourself.

I would suggest you check out the "golden Nuggets" collection of threads (Some times call the master thread).

Then read about "poly hell things" I suggest you share this with your husband, and talk about how you each feel about these things. And what it might take to reduce the stress NRE can cause.
Then check out Jealousy things: one, two, three
And Secondary/third things: one, two, three

Other good reading in the interest of keeping things smooth, and drama free. One, Two, [URL="http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2009/08/10/ooh-baby-let-me-get-out-my-agenda-the-logist

Most of these link (if not all) can be found in the "golden nuggets" thread. Along with Many many more.
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Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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Old 10-12-2013, 10:06 PM
Ihq Ihq is offline
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First, I want to thank everybody for their response.

It gave me some perspective and some thinking points which is what I needed. I am much more at ease with what I need to do and where I need to be headed

Marcus, I do really appreciate the reminder that I can only control me. And I am aware of what points I do need to think about and work through.

Dirt, thank you for giving me some "talking points". I think in my frustration I might not have been able to explain my issues as clearly.

Murasaki, Those resources are awesome! Thank you.

Last edited by Ihq; 10-12-2013 at 10:11 PM.
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  #6  
Old 10-13-2013, 07:41 AM
SilverKate SilverKate is offline
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Default Beware puppy love and boundaries and I am so bad at these.

I second what the person said about new love. When puppy love starts it can be from mild yeah to obsessive. I tend to be the latter. I am head over and want to be with the person 24/7 and if on a date loose track of time.

I have set alarms, had friends call me at a certain point and just said the date will end at x. However when you are with a person (new or not) and enjoying their company time gets away from you.

Now having said that I have a live in partner who knows my ways. When we look for a new partner he goes and buys new video games he wants and stashes them for my date nights. This works for us.

When he dates I just go online, read, hang with other friends. If I am not on the date I relish in my ME time. We love each other however I am not loved less if he is out with a friend (or girlfriend).

WE both do have a time out button. If things are getting to intense (for anyone) or the new partner starts throwing out "keywords to trouble", or we wind up with someone who is "attached and now needs rescuing" (financial or emotional) or we have not spent any time together in a few days (we never let it get over a week. ) Then that is the time to say. Step back, reflect and see where this goes.

We also will not date others who are not into Poly. Period.

Kate

Ps this is also where OUR boundaries are enforced upfront is in the puppy love time.

You guys will figure it out. Trust me I have a 20 year and a 10 year co relationship that worked but not without alot of work. Being a widow now for 2 years of one of my guys and now redating we had to start the finding us and our boundaries again. And our 2nd go at it tanked spectacularly... Flames everywhere. We took a little off and are now dating others again. Now with lessons learned.
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Old 10-13-2013, 05:25 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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The late thing is not a "rule" thing. It was a matter of when he said he would be home... The best way to explain this is... if he had just been out with his friends, I would have called and been annoyed
Were you waiting for him because you guys had agreed you were going to do a particular thing at a particular time? This thing being sensitive to when it is started?

Or was it "I'll be home at 8" and he wasn't home right at 8?

I don't know your situation and I'm sure there is lots to it, but it sounds like you are getting yourself worked up for no apparent reason. Now, if I have an agreement with someone that they'll be home at 7:30 so that we can go catch the 7:45 showing of a movie... I'm waiting at home... they show up at 7:45... that means we can't do the thing planned and I would be mildly irritated. BUT, if they said they'll be home at 7:30, I'm sitting around watching re-runs and figuring out what I want to eat and they show up at 8:30... who cares? Why get all worked up over it if there was no harm done?

The issue of "what if they are dead in a ditch" has always been a weak argument imo. If they are out with their friends and are late... why are they late? Obviously because they are out with their friends and they are, god forbid, having a good time and lost track of the hour. If he's on a date and running late... what do you imagine happened? I'm sure he doesn't need his pissed off wife/girlfriend calling him and griping at him like he's a little kid. "The street lights are on and YOU SAID YOU'D BE HOME"

If you are just looking for a reason to put the hammer down on this guy then I'd say your irritation is your own fault.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ihq View Post
stupid -annoyed -irritating -disrespectful -dumb -stupid
I recommend taking a look at what is bothering you. Are you being so deeply and profoundly inconvenienced by his unabashed disregard for your feelings as to prompt so much irritation? Or... is this not a big deal and you are displacing some other negative feeling and using this as an outlet?

It sounds like something is definitely going on, but I'm skeptical that his being later than he said is really grounds for this much frustration.

Do you know what is actually bothering you?
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Old 10-13-2013, 06:25 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Ihq, I'm with you. I think it's a matter of common courtesy, if there's an agreement to be home at a certain time, to either follow through or call and explain. Common courtesy.

I think this whole 'nobody can control me or my body or my actions' can be carried too far, to the point of people becoming isolated islands. We do live together, it's important to be able to feel we can count on someone and rely on what they say. If they routinely show up late, it's about more than simply being late--it's about learning bit by bit that their word doesn't actually mean anything.
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Old 10-13-2013, 07:50 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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I think if you tell someone you're going to do something then you follow up on it if you can. If you can't then you let them know as soon as possible and apologise. It's not about rules but about being honest about your intentions and communicating if plans change.
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  #10  
Old 10-13-2013, 11:00 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default most reasonable people can see

where the problematic behavior resides that bugs the OP. And it would be fairly ignorant to or rather outright incompetent to pretend that this devil is in the details, nobody can stop you from choosing to make that your point of contention Marcus, you can and it seems you likely will no matter what the OP says, answers, or clarifies you may not be able to see that to her the issue is not whether it's fifteen minutes late while she is watching reruns, and neither is it that he agreed to going on a date but made it clear he would not begone overnight, or at the latest after the bars close and if he wasn't coming home when he agreed, then he'd call

it sounds like she was pretty clear in the very first post in this thread, it's not the details that she appears to be very understanding of, but rather the continued disrespectful behavior after the fact that she is having a hard time with. Since it is someting that can be so easily remedied, to continue to twist it into something it is not is often taken as being mean spirited or at the least passive aggressive as it tends to be a sensitive topic that you are choosing to feign not understanding what the big deal is, big surprise since you so rarely ever choose to exercise strategery ATA657.976 of section two of the anarchist grammarian "how to dominate forum threads and win debates on the internet with our three week no fail patented system" and now I wish I did pay that $29.99 so I too could appear as superior

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 10-13-2013 at 11:03 PM.
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