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Old 08-01-2009, 10:37 PM
novice novice is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Default novice needing insight

Hello All,
I've been thinking about poly for at least ten years, but didn't know it had a name until recently spotting a copy of "Open" on someone's desk at work. Though I didn't read more than a few paragraphs, it spurred me to this sight via google. I'm interested in bringing it up with my wife of 29 years, but fear what might be a negative reaction. My main reason is for variety and possibly a mid-life realization that our frequency of sex will never be where I wish it to be, even if I didn't desire more variety. My most honest guess is that we average making love about once every four to six weeks, and this has been true since before we had kids 19 years ago. Our sex is usually good, sometimes great. For many years I've fantasized about various women with whom I worked, or with whom my wife and I are friends. Masturbation has been far more frequent than sex with my wife, and I've never cheated on her with another woman.

I'd like advice on how to approach her about this without hurting her, but can't think of any good ways to do this. I fully understand that broaching the subject can't be undone, and that her trust in me might become shaky. I also know that by definition this allows the same openness for her, though at this point, I doubt she has any interest in pursuing it.

Any comments?
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Old 08-02-2009, 01:59 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369

Welcome to the forum. I am also new so you'll please excuse me if I take you wrong, but you don't sound poly. If your main interest is sexual variety and frequency, that's more the swinging mindset IMO. Poly is about finding other loves to complement and complete our family and generally stems from an emotional desire, not a sexual one. To be blunt with you, if my husband approached me saying he wanted more sex and a variety of women to have sex with (and it wasn't about love), I'd be insulted, offended, and it could probably be a relationship ender. And he'd feel the same if I came to him in that way.

Have you spoken to your wife about wanting a more active sex life with HER? Maybe with communication and honesty your sexual needs can be met without going outside the marriage.
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Old 08-02-2009, 02:29 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

I think XYZ123 brings up a good point. You may want to decide which route do you want to go down, the more poly route or the swinging route. (There is a lot of cross over, but if you want to talk to your wife, you probably just want to talk about which one you want to focus on.) For example, my wife has a hard time accepting polyamory. She is much more open to swinging though since that is not devaluing the relationship. (Her perspective is that if I love someone else romantically, then our relationship is no longer unique to us and therefore less valuable.)

If you want to go the polyamorous route, you should probably take it slow and let her get use to it as it progresses. Let her know there will be time to adjust and her feelings will not be ignored.

But that is after you first bring it up.

You could bring up the concept by asking her how she would if she had met two of her past lovers at the same time. You could try to get her to read a Heinlein book if she likes sci-fi and talk about if afterwards to see what she thought of the relationships in it. Or you could just come uot and just say, "Honey, there is something that has been on my mind." And rely on being able to handle questions from the logical to the emotional.

I wish you luck.
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Old 08-02-2009, 05:19 PM
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Ricavaler Ricavaler is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 29

I too agree with the PP that it seems you are looking more for a sexual arrangement than a romantic one... ie. swinging.

To be honest, it depends on the type of person your wife is how well she will take the discussion. And only you will know that. Personally, based on your reasons, I don't imagine any way of bringing it up will be painless. She will probably feel insulted, for many different reasons. And it could be very negative.
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Old 08-02-2009, 05:21 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: SW Michigan
Posts: 600
Default Welcome

Hello and welcome to the board. I am going to pipe in with something that has not yet been brought up-Don't you think your wife could be just as unstimulated and longing for more as you are?

I guarantee you she has a fantasy life that includes others just as you do. Sometimes when relationships fall into such infrequent expressions of physical love, it is exactly that that holds them back- they are both feeling unsatisfied, wanting more, having secret thoughts they don't think they could ever tell their partner, living internally, and after 19 years, I am sure it has become an "issue" and every time you do have sex, there are years of starvation hanging over both of your heads, which certainly doesn't garner intimacy.

Add to that you perhaps resenting the fact that you have to be grateful for this rare chance and she feeling resentful that it can't be natural and free and more satisfying too--- I am definitely speaking from my own experience and perspective here--- She may feel just as terrible about the "obligatory" aspect of it.

I say all of this because I have been sex-starved. I have gone a month and more without having sex with the man I love, even as I saw him trying to approach me again and again. A large part of my iciness I think was due to feeling trapped by the relationship (my own trap, of course) and thinking of all the love and sex with others that I was "not allowed" to have because I was married.

This was one of the main issues that led to us almost getting divorced in the spring- Unfortunately I waited until I had nothing to lose to bring up my feelings and needs, finally told him all my secret thoughts. I couldn't believe how receptive he was! We are now having beautiful, open, frequent sex and one of the things that has brought us together is discussing polyamory, although we have yet to bring anyone else physically into our relationship-( I am getting to know someone I met online)

So maybe it would do a world of good just to talk about your fantasies, your sexual needs with her- even if polyamory is not an option, I bet there's a wild, passionate side of your wife you have never seen because it wasn't safe to talk about your dreams of sexual abundance.

I wish you luck, and the lifting of burdens, and all the love in your life that you need.
"Rocks will open and make a way for the lover."
~Hazrat Inayat Khan

I love Catfish and Charlie.
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Old 08-03-2009, 05:48 PM
novice novice is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Default thanks to all

By the range of your responses, I now see that some of my introduction was unclear. Nevertheless, all of your responses were helpful and in the end it seems that just finding the right time and mood is probably what will be necessary for me to talk to my wife about my desires. I'm not looking for swinging, and that wasn't made clear. I'm looking for another woman to excite me in all aspects of my life, but hopefully to have an above board relationship known to my spouse. How we would define that arrangement for each of us would be a lot more fun than just getting to the point of admitting to her that I desire some variety, but variety with full relations established.
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