Taking a Break

[PolyinPractice]

I'm curious, and please don't be offended. I simply want to hear reasonings for the following:

I've often seen advice given to people struggling with poly to "take a break from dating and focus on your relationship." Why would one feel the need for your partner to stop dating/stop looking/temporarily take a break from any "outside" partners (personally, I hate thinking of ANY person in a relationship being on the "outside", but that's a whole other rant, so please don't clutter this thread up with that)

Isn't it possible to work on developing any one of your current relationships, while not neglecting your others? Same as if they had a hobby or work commitments....or anything else that took them away from you.

One of the reasons I ask, is I'm thinking about asking a partner to really focus on another one of her relationships. By which I mean, do all those things people suggested....go on dates, instead of just spending a night in, take a cooking class, do something spontaneous and romantic, whatever. But I'd be pretty upset if she totally forgot about me while doing this

[gorgeouskitten]

I think a person can do both. My boyfriend and I have both done "work" on our marriages while still being together. Maybe here or there we would forgo a night together to focus on a spouse, but I dont think either of us would neglect our own relationship enitrely. If i were to totally remove myself from Nudge to focus on J, id be pretty upset and of not much use to J. Where as Im happy with nudge, and in a better place to work on this with J. If J were to say "could you consider not doing overnights for a while " or some other request that only modified things for a time, I could respect that. But I agree with you to not break a healthy relationship to work on another

[GalaGirl]

You are not an outside partner. You already IN the polyship dynamic. To tend to the other polypartner and neglect you? That's not cool. You are here aren't you?

When I give that suggestion to take a dating break? I mean stop dating and looking for brand NEW people. People not already part of the existing polyship and it's polymath.

If one cannot care for the poly partners they already have? Why be looking for MORE and spread self even thinner? That is poor time management and poor relationship tending to me.

Galagirl

[PolyinPractice]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

If one cannot care for the poly partners they already have? Why be looking for MORE and spread self even thinner? That is poor time management and poor relationship tending to me.

Galagirl

Oh, I very much agree with you! I was misreading yours (and it wasn't just you, it was others that I've seen this with, as well, or I wouldn't have brought it up). I don't think anyone should overextend themselves. And if a relationship is going through a rough patch? I'd say all involved in that particular dynamic (not necessarily the entire polyship) should stop, regardless if they're asked or not. But especially if they are asked.

I'm not a particular fan of actively seeking out new partners, anyway. I'll do it, but I'm convinced at this point nothing serious will happen from that approach. Not because I'm opposed, but I've never had one work out (OKC dates, for example). The only ones that have worked are people I meet organically, who are a part of my life, and who I want to bring into my life in a more intimate relationship.

Now, question, what if I agreed to stop seeking out dates, but I started developing a strong friendship with someone that I saw as potentially going further? Assuming this was during our agreed upon break. How would you treat that situation?

[LovingRadiance]

If someone is already IN a relationship-that is totally different from stepping back from dating (meeting new potentials) in order to work on issues in their current configuration.

So for example:

If there is a person who has one partner and there are issues in their relationship, it's not the time to add someone new. Stop dating and focus on resolving the issues.

If someone has two partners and there is an issue in one or more of their relationships, it's not the time to add someone new. Stop dating and focus on resolving the issues.

That doesn't mean terminate ANY existing relationships.

I have kids. If we are having a family nightmare issue-it's NOT TIME TO HAVE MORE KIDS. It doesn't mean we are suddenly giving one or more up for adoption. But it does mean we need to be responsible and not add any more until we have a stable platform as a family again.

Same with romance.

If your platform isn't stable-it's not time to be looking for new people to add to it. Period.

People who are already part of it-are already part of it.

[PolyinPractice]

Thanks for replies. I guess I'm a bit sensitive, sometimes, as I (in my head recently) entered a new relationship...and feel it's acceptable (again, probably paranoia! but it happens :-p ) that I could be cut off, because the more established partner feels uncomfortable. It's nice to be reassured that a lot of people feel otherwise