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  #1  
Old 10-01-2013, 05:59 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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Default New for us

Hello everyone My name is Mike and My wife is Amanda. We are new to the idea of polyamory and trying to find a good way to get started. I am heterosexual and I just found out about a month ago my wife is bisexual.
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Old 10-01-2013, 07:42 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hey Mike (Amanda too),
Welcome to our forum.

Looks like you're very fresh on the scene and a clean slate (which I got to write on first, woo-hoo!). The best way to get started (IMO) is to read, read, read (and post your thoughts, questions, and concerns as they arise). We have a Golden Nuggets board that's very good for introducing you to the basics. Also there's a Dating & Friendships subforum, should you feel inclined to start looking around for friends and/or dates right away. But as I said, I'd recommend learning a lot about polyamory first, before diving too deep into the deep end of the pool.

A couple of additional (offsite) resources that might be good to take a look at:

"Opening Up," a book by Tristan Taormino;
Franklin Veaux's poly pages.

Have a look around on our site; tap into our search and tag search engines; lots of collective wisdom here from many points of view, so it's a good place to accumulate a broad view of the landscape ahead. I wish you guys the very best and am glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:25 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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Yea, We are still in the research phase of this. We join a local poly group so we can meet like minded people. I Mike was happy going through life in a monogamous marriage then my wife being bisexual came up about a month and a half ago.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:54 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default Doesn't necessarily mean poly

Mike, I just wanted to point out that poly isn't a necessary outcome of one partner in a relationship being bisexual. If you both want to be poly, that is great; but, many bisexual people are not poly and are perfectly happy. Being bisexual doesn't mean you have to love or be intimate with people of both sexes simultaneously, just that you can be loving or intimate with either sex.

I am not trying to discourage poly, btw. I am, and believe it can be a great lifestyle. But, it's not a foregone conclusion of being bisexual, which is a bit like how your posts read to me.
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Old 10-01-2013, 11:58 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from nostorinogt):
Quote:
"We joined a local poly group so we can meet like minded people."
Yes; that is an outstanding call in my opinion.

Whatever you decide as far as whether or not to practice polyamory, it can't hurt to gain knowledge (from a variety of perspectives) about it. I also think it is good to have poly friends.
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Old 10-02-2013, 09:56 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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She want to have experience with women again and the only way I feel comfortable with this is for both of us to be able to have freedom to have an outside partner. You have to understand that I though I married a straight person. This was something that was just brought to my attention just a little over a month ago.
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Old 10-09-2013, 02:56 AM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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Default The other half

Hi. I have been reading all of your insightful and helpful comments. I figured it was time to join the conversation. I am Mrs. Nostorinogt. Mike has given you some of the background and chain of events that have shaped the last month of our lives. I have been bisexual since I was a teenager. Whether or not my abusive childhood had any bearing on my sexual preferences I do not know. When I met Mike, I knew he was special. I thought I could put myself in a hetero box. I had wishfully thought my attraction to women was a phase. Over the span of our 8 wonderful years together, it has become increasingly evident that it was not a phase. The desires to embrace the bisexual me once more had become so strong that I had to come out to Mike. I did not get the reaction I had hoped for, however he loves me deeply and is willing to step out of his comfort zone. He is very keen on the idea of a triad, and I am more of a one on one type of person. My desire is not just sexual as he has mentioned. I want a woman who can offer friendship first, and a woman who is married with kids. My family is my top priority. Because of this, I want a like minded woman who understands and has the same priorities. Any other pairing could have undesired results. I want a friend w benefits to bond with the way only women can. My husband wants a triad. I still hold our marriage as a union between us. Finding a woman that fits both our requirements and will be happy with the arrangement is going to be close to impossible. There are too many variables. In my scenario my married life would not h change and we could both have play time. I have no jealousy. It's not in my nature. We are both here of our own will because we chose each other. He lives in a black and white traditional world, and I live in the gray. There are different types of love, and sex is a seperate entity. I have no problem differentiating between the two. He seems to think I will. I had no problem differentiating between them with woman I was with no one even suspected we were FWB's. I just don't know what else I can say to assure Mike that I will not do anything to jeopardize our marriage if he will just trust me and my love for him.
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Old 10-09-2013, 06:35 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well welcome Amanda, I hope our website continues to be helpful for you.

There's no rules about what circumstances and attributes you want in a new partner, as long as you're aware that more requirements = a lengthier search.

Looking for a triad would be a long shot because you'd have to roll the dice and hope the woman you found was (preferably equally) in love with you and Mike both. Not an easy proposition. But like you said, the triad thing is more Mike's ideal than it is yours.

So do you more picture you and Mike dating separate women separately? You seem to be less into the "emotional attachment" aspect of the outside relationship, where as Mike might grow quite attached to someone. Would that pose a problem for you as far as you know?

Is Mike worried that you will get "too attached" to a woman, and leave him for her? Perhaps Mike could spend some time thinking over what he'd need in order to feel reassured.

Check out our various threads, use the search and tag search features, and find out if there's anything you need to know. It's always a good idea to post your thoughts, questions, and concerns, I think.

So welcome aboard,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #9  
Old 10-09-2013, 12:15 PM
nostorinogt nostorinogt is offline
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Default concerns

Its mike again. Yes I have some issues that will take time to straighten out. When we decided to do this I did some research and there were people that said to do a contract and have a specific set of rules. Well since I am the one stepping out of my comfort zone I decided I should be the one writing the rules and making the contract. I thought about what she needs to make her happy and keep me happy. I based the rules off of this and told her we would start this when we both agreed to abide by the contract and rules. As soon as she read the contract she started pushing for more.
The possibility of her falling in love with the other woman and out of love with me is another issue. She says that she will not let this happen but she does not know. We have some very specific stuff in the contract that addresses this.
We have a cooling off period of about 14 months before anything happens to get more knowledge and to build everything we have. Once all of our goals are met then we start this new life as partners.
I love Amanda with all my heart and trust the woman I thought I married. This new Amanda is the person I have to get to know.
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  #10  
Old 10-09-2013, 01:02 PM
Indygirl78 Indygirl78 is offline
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Mike, she's not a "new" Amanda, just one that has felt comfortable enough to open up some of deepest, until recently hidden away, desires. She still loves you just the same.

There is always the possibility that you will both form deep emotional attachments with future lovers, but that does not mean that things will change between you. Loving another doesn't mean there is less love to go around. It doesn't work like that. If you guys have a strong bond between you that won't change.

Be careful with making rules. Or if you feel you need them go in with an open mind that rules can be modified in the future as love doesn't always know how to follow a set of guidelines.

I'm happy to see that you are both communicating your desires to each other. Keeping those lines of communication is important to a successful relationship no matter what the situation.
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