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Old 01-20-2011, 09:28 AM
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Karma Karma is offline
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Default disagreeing vs. "you're wrong and here's why"

So, what's the difference between telling someone that you disagree with them on something and why that is, or why it offends or bothers you, and telling them that they are wrong about something?

Apparently, I lack the ability to disagree without making someone feel like they are wrong for their views/opinions/feelings/whatever.
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Old 01-20-2011, 05:33 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Wow...interesting question. Are you overbearing when you disagree? Or you disagreeing with things that are personal opinion?

S - I believe in God
A- You are wrong

is a douche bag move. I don't believe in God, but to tell someone they are wrong because they do. Not good form.

This depends solely on context. In debate, you rarely tell someone they are wrong. It will get you beat like a floundering fish. You lay out your arguments and counters and a consensus is discussed.

Also, for the record "you're wrong" can be very abbrasive. If thats the wording you use, you may just have to work on your approach
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Old 01-20-2011, 06:20 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Looking forward to hearing all the responses here and actually learning something.

My husband and I will be having a discussion and when he has a different opinion, he will say "No, ...", which immediately puts me on the defensive and what I hear is "YOU ARE WRONG!". He claims he wasn't tossing aside my opinion or trying to tell me that I'm wrong, but was just voicing his opinion, but that's the way it made me feel. Tone of voice and intensity of the statement can also trigger automatic defenses. I'm still working to get him to qualify his opinions as such. If I know upfront that he is just voicing his view and not trying to tell me I'm wrong, I can have a much more rational discussion.

I need explanations for almost everything. So when I ask him "Why are you doing it that way?" He hears "That's not the way to do that!" He immediately thinks I'm trying to criticize him. Truth is that most of the time I really want to know his reasons behind something, because I might be missing something or I just want to learn something.

Last edited by SNeacail; 01-20-2011 at 06:23 PM.
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:14 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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I think, in it's simplest form, saying that you disagree and explaining how you think or feel about something is offering information for consideration. Telling someone, however, "you're wrong," whether intended or not, is a verbal dismissal. It provokes a defensive response. When we're in defensive mode, we are not listening, we're usually rehearsing our next line. In the end, unless you're talking something concrete like, oh... 2+2=4, it's a poor communication process. We're creatures of feeling. Working through difficulties requires validation of those feelings (even if they're wrong... sometimes especially if they're wrong).

Reflective listening can be a good way of getting through the "no" or "you're wrong" communication. Purposing to first listen, understand, and communicate back to your partner what you perceive... "I hear you saying xyz. Am I understanding you correctly?" goes a long way toward dissipating rapid communication fire and escalation of bad feelings.
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:16 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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Funny how you can know something, yet not consistently practice it
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Old 01-21-2011, 12:16 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jade View Post
Funny how you can know something, yet not consistently practice it
LOL - Ain't that the truth.
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Old 01-23-2011, 03:56 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Karma View Post
So, what's the difference between telling someone that you disagree with them on something and why that is, or why it offends or bothers you, and telling them that they are wrong about something?

Apparently, I lack the ability to disagree without making someone feel like they are wrong for their views/opinions/feelings/whatever.
Well, there's always the possibility of choice of words/examples you use. SOOOOO many people are as fragile as egg shells. The bigger the insecurity the more threatening it becomes to have your views challenged. You sometimes need to analyze the people you are speaking with in this regard before speaking. I'm one who hates sugar coating things but there are cases where the net result is important enough that it warrants it rather than losing the opportunity for forward movement.

And of course, there's the OTHER source of offense.

That what you say offends them because your view may be right/better, and they feel stupid ! Embarrassed.
The sad part about this is that in this case one of two things usually happens. They either are mature/confident enough to say "hmmmm - never considered it that way - you may be right" OR they will now cling to it like 100 rolls of duct tape because their ego can't handle the blow of being wrong - even though they now know they are !

You have to analyze your audience I guess......

GS
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