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Old 10-01-2013, 12:22 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Ok so if you are mono and your partner is poly what exactly are you gtg out of them being in a relationship with new people? While they are experiencing new firsts and all the excitement of being with someone new what are you gtg out of it really? I have no problem with alone time or keeping myself busy or appreciating time without my husband around but while he is mtg someone new with the same interests as him, sharing new experiences, making new memories what am I am gtg out of it?? I am just curious what others feel they are gtg out of being in a relationship with a poly person who is mtg new people, having new firsts while you are home taking care of the kids or out shopping or doing whatever to not think or overthink what they are doing? Many times I have come to conclusion or answer to that question being that person should be single. If you want to date, meet new people, have multiple relationships maybe you are trying to live as a single person while still keeping hold of that person you don't want to let go of. But is that fair??
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Old 10-01-2013, 12:28 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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And why do I or any mono people have to work thru our jealousies or dig deeper to find out what the issue is like why am I jealous? It is normal to feel that way...yes you can love multiple children, yes you can love your friends and family. It is not the same thing as the person you share your life with to go and share all those things with someone other than you. It is NOT the same thing. I hate the comparison of kids or family or friends.
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:04 AM
stillskies stillskies is offline
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Because if you don't bother to look at why you're jealous, even in a monogamous relationship, you run the risk of ruining your relationship because you have no idea why certain things make you feel the way you do. You're stuck in a static position that doesn't change because you don't care to deal with your issues.

Poly or not, exploring your reactions to certain things makes you a better person and better able to articulate your problems rather than just saying "I'm jealous but I don't know why and I shouldn't have to know why!"

If you're having such a hard time with your husband going out and meeting people, why did you agree to have a poly relationship with him? If it's not something that you're able to do or deal with, wouldn't it be better to discuss it with him?

Also, I think that the comparison to family and friends and children is an apt one because it shows something very clearly: there are different kinds of love. Why can't there be different kinds of romantic love, as well? Is it that romantic love is a threat, whereas familial and friendly love is not? Friendly love can turn into romantic love.
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Old 10-01-2013, 12:44 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I imagine what they get out of it is being with someone they love. Either they arent jealous or they are willing to work through that in order to be with the person they are with. Being with someone who is poly isnt a deal breaker.

Sometimes the person you are with dont know they are poly and then when they decide they want to practice polyamory the mono person has to decide if it's worth staying with them if the poly person doesnt want to continue being mono. it's kind of a hard spot to be in. someone will be the loser in these situations. either the poly person has to be someone they arent to satisfy the mono partner of the mono partner has to share the partner they thought was going to be only with them.

I think the root of jealousy is often fear. fear they will love another more, fear they will leave you. also there is an element of loneliness if you want to be with your partner all the time and they are out there with others, leaving you alone. also it kind of sucks when your partner is out there doing fun stuff with someone else, stuff that you might want to do. It's kind of on the person having these feelings to deal with them. it's not on me to fix N if he's feeling jealous, it's on him to work through those feeling and vice versa. why would I as a poly person have to fix my jealous mono partner?
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Old 10-01-2013, 12:53 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:08 AM
stillskies stillskies is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
Honestly? This sounds like you'd rather yourself be happy and your partner unhappy. You're right: if you don't want to bother working through your issues and whatnot, then you shouldn't have to. End your current relationship, or give your husband an ultimatum.

Or you can try to figure out what is making you so unhappy and the underlying factors of it and talk to your husband about them. Is there something that he can be doing that could help you better deal with it? Have you talked to him about your feelings of jealousy?
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:27 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Originally Posted by stillskies View Post
Honestly? This sounds like you'd rather yourself be happy and your partner unhappy. You're right: if you don't want to bother working through your issues and whatnot, then you shouldn't have to. End your current relationship, or give your husband an ultimatum.

Or you can try to figure out what is making you so unhappy and the underlying factors of it and talk to your husband about them. Is there something that he can be doing that could help you better deal with it? Have you talked to him about your feelings of jealousy?
Ummmm really no! My happiness above his NO never in 19 years. Its just gtg to the point of enough is a enough and maybe we are not right for each other.
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are upset.

Quote:
Ok so if you are mono and your partner is poly what exactly are you gtg out of them being in a relationship with new people?
Is that is what is being asked of you at this time?

"Are you willing to participate in a polyship with me?"

Quote:
While they are experiencing new firsts and all the excitement of being with someone new what are you gtg out of it really?
Only you can answer that for yourself if you are the monoamorous partner in a polyship.

If you are not willing to participate in a polyship because you are monoamorous AND monogamous, you just say "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in a polyship with you." Could keep it simple.

Quote:
And why do I or any mono people have to work thru our jealousies or dig deeper to find out what the issue is like why am I jealous?
You only have to do that if you

a) agree to participate in a polyship as a monoamorous person (and you do not have to)
b) Experience those issues in your polyship.


Quote:
It is normal to feel that way...yes you can love multiple children, yes you can love your friends and family. It is not the same thing as the person you share your life with to go and share all those things with someone other than you. It is NOT the same thing. I hate the comparison of kids or family or friends.
It is totally OK and normal to be monoamorous and have the desire/capacity to love only one adult partner at a time.

It is totally OK to want your relationship shapes to be monogamous and exclusive. There is nothing wrong with wanting that for yourself. Relationships come in all shapes, and you are allowed to like the shape you like best!

But for you to actually have and share that kind of relationship with someone? Your partner also has to want the same thing or it is just not a runner.

Disappointing, but there it is. People wanting different relationship shapes are not compatible.

Quote:
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
You don't have to do that.

His happiness coming out of your hide is not a very kind or loving expectation to have.

If he expects this? He is too selfish.

If you expect this? You are too selfless.

Both could think about becoming "self-full" -- where you meet your OWN needs and that of OTHERS in a balanced way. Not all skewed one way or the other.

Quote:
I have put my wants, needs, feelings, you name it on a backburner for this person. He has had his cake and eaten it too numerous times and really throughout our ENTIRE relationship.
If in the past you have agreed to participate in a relationship where the expectation is that your own wants/needs are on the back burner, you were not looking out for your own best interests.

You could stop doing that.

Quote:
Its just gtg to the point of enough is a enough and maybe we are not right for each other.
If you know already right NOW that it is apples and oranges here? Better to not attempt to polyship. Better to plan a clean split and set each one of you free with a clean slate.

Then you are free to seek a "monoship" with a new partner.

Your ex is free to seek a "polyship" with a new partner.

Neither of you has to experience more UGH than necessary trying to make a fundamentally incompatible thing fly when it just won't fly.

Again, disappointing, but there it is.

Some things in life are not "win or lose" but "which one stinks least?"


The only way I can see a (monoamorous AND monogamous person) working out with a (polyamorous person) is

a) the monoamorous and monogamous person is willing to listen to and share the poly person's thoughts and feelings rather than ignore that side of them. They OPEN UP enough to do that for their spouse so their spouse can be themselves with them.

b) The poly person willingly CLOSES to monogamous shape for their partner in return for that understanding, because they understand their partner needs this for them.

Both "get back" getting to be with each other because they love one another and they have come to a workable compromise where each is putting something in for the other one's benefit. If both are not willing to do that, then it will not fly.

Quote:
His happiness has always come before mine but I am just gtg kinda tired of it. Like why? Just be single. If you want to date, go meet new people, have all these new experiences then let me go and go do that.
I am curious.

Basically he wants to OPEN the marriage... but only on his side? You resent it ALL or mainly the fact that he wants to keep you CLOSED and you don't get to have those new experiences also?

If it were open on BOTH sides would that change your willingness to participate? Or even THEN you still would not want to be participating in a polyship? I am not clear on where your upset it at -- all of it in general is not for you, or this offer he gives you is not for you?

I do see you are upset though. And again... I am very sorry you are going through this. It does not sound fun.

I suggest getting clearer on what is being asked of you, and if it is NOT any kind of yummy cookies for you too? Just say "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in that offer."

What comes after that? You pick one of these and flesh out the details:
  • He lets go of this want, and you both remain in a monoship together.
  • He presents you with a yummier offer for an open model relationship where there's perks for you too and not just only perks for him. You both agree to stay together, but in a new model. An ethical non-monogamous one.
  • You part ways because of incompatible future goals/wants/needs.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-01-2013 at 02:14 AM.
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  #9  
Old 10-01-2013, 03:07 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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(Whoops - I answered before reading the rest of the thread. I'll leave my comments here, though they've already been partly answered...)

As for the question you ask... my wife asked the same question, and gave the same answer that's been given above: she had someone who saw her for who she really was and was constantly and happily choosing to be with her. My poly life was "confined" to a small part of our life together, and it wasn't always easy. She felt, for years, that I was having a marriage AND someone else on the side, so *I* was never lonely while *she* was... and the list goes on.

We talked about it a lot. Things got slowly better.

What did she get when I had a pretty serious crush? Heartache. And I stepped back and didn't go further, because I wanted to know what was going on for her (and for me). Her response? "But *I* wanna be your..." and so she decided to be that, and suddenly we were both happier.

And then I fell in love. And I did nothing about it, other than talk to her (you can feel and you can talk, but acting on it is a different thing - I wasn't going to act). Then she met the woman, and ... they... well, it's not so much sparks, but a bond grew, a strong one, and she changed. She arranged for my first night with AM. It was after they'd had an evening or two in each other's arms. We're moving ever so slowly toward comfort with our triad, and it's lovely.

What made the change? Trust. I had never left her. Also, I trusted her not to abuse my emotions. Honesty. I told her what I was feeling without acting on it, she told me what was hard about it. Respect. A feeling that I was willing to hold back until I understood what was really bothering her. A feeling that she was willing to explore what was bothering her until she could name it. And the confidence to keep going, because we're just so damn curious about each other.

It sounds like you don't trust him and you're angry. It sounds like you feel like you're constantly being pushed past your limits, and your limits aren't being understood. That sounds really rough. Maybe knowing what you're angry about would clarify things for those of us listening to you, so that we might give you better advice?

Last edited by pulliman; 10-01-2013 at 03:14 AM.
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  #10  
Old 10-01-2013, 01:37 AM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stillskies View Post
Honestly? This sounds like you'd rather yourself be happy and your partner unhappy. You're right: if you don't want to bother working through your issues and whatnot, then you shouldn't have to. End your current relationship, or give your husband an ultimatum.

Or you can try to figure out what is making you so unhappy and the underlying factors of it and talk to your husband about them. Is there something that he can be doing that could help you better deal with it? Have you talked to him about your feelings of jealousy?
His happiness has always come before mine but I am just gtg kinda tired of it. Like why? Just be single. If you want to date, go meet new people, have all these new experiences then let me go and go do that.
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