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Old 09-27-2013, 03:21 PM
walkingwill walkingwill is offline
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Default New to Poly need advice on jealousy/indifference

Hello. I'm new to the forum and to this thought process. Still trying to figure out if it works for me or if I'm just out of touch with my emotions...I have had a lot of loss lately (both parents and best friend passed in the last 2 years). I'm looking for advice on my situation as well as possibly insight into whether or not this is what I want because I don't really know...

I met L at a sandwich shop that was right next to where I worked. I asked her out on a date(first in 3 years for me) and things heated up very quickly. Too quickly for most of the people in my life. She moved in after two weeks and we had a relationship for about three months. She is a very sexual person. Sex is all she thinks about. Me, not so much, but I like to be accommodating and to make sure she enjoys herself. Three times a day every day. I couldn't keep up the pace and it was almost a deal breaker for her. We talked things out, slowed down a bit, and then she cheated on me. Open about it too. It obviously hurt her but she told me that being exclusive in a relationship with someone was almost impossible with her unless they can keep up with her physical needs...and even then... She had never been in a relationship where she didn't cheat on her partner(she's bi btw). I took it pretty hard, got angry, then mainly just sad because I had finally started to open up to her. I grew fond of her. We had an emotional connection. Her cheating though made me feel like I was inadequate. Not good enough. No one wants to feel that. But after a week, we started talking again. Only reason I did was because she had been so honest with me. We rekindled our relationship and she began talking about polyamory and swinging. Sex was a casual/recreational thing but that her emotional ties and love were for me.

I've found that it's hard to break conventional thinking. The idea that if she loved me ENOUGH then she could deny her physical desires for other people because she has me. But after research on the subject. The idea of loyalty and complete honesty about everything...I decided that I'd give it a try. The day she came back after one of her flings, it's hard to describe. I still picture this moment when I'm sitting with her on my couch with her legs propped on my legs and my arm was around her. I had never felt so close to her in our entire relationship. It was like she felt completely at ease and in our intimate moments, we've never been more passionate. The issue lies when she leaves...

You see, I don't have anyone on the side. Honestly, I'm not really interested in looking right now. Her on the other hand has many on the side that text her constantly. She doesn't hide them and openly discusses the good and bad things about each person she sleeps with. If there is drama, etc. And I'm glad we can open. It's like having your best friend as your lover, in the realist sense. We'll have our time. She'll spend a night. Then it's just assumed unless she says something that she'll be somewhere else tomorrow night. Yesterday, the day after she stayed over at a fling's place, we didn't even text or call until around 7 or 8 when she decided she wanted to be in my arms tonight. I haven't decided if it's jealousy or indifference that kept me from texting her that day. Well, last night when she came over we were intimate and I noticed love bites on her. I wanted to say something but didn't and made her bite me. She asked if there was a specific reason why i wanted her to bite me and I just talked around it. I guess I can't do that in the future...like I said, I'm new to this and I probably should have just said something. I guess I felt like it wasn't my business to say something about her fling from the last night leaving love bites on her. It makes her happy being able to have casual sex with these people and instead of jealous I should be happy that she's enjoying herself and having fun.

Today though, we woke up and I asked if she wanted to go out on a date tonight since it's friday night. She said she couldn't because she had plans with another fling and how about sunday....so she plans to be gone for two nights. What happened to the closeness I felt earlier? Why do I feel so jealous/indifferent? Right now the only thing I can think about when it comes to her is not to text her til sunday...even though she sent me a sweet message thanking me for everything and telling me how much she loves me awhile ago....it's these feelings that led me here in the first place. I need some advice and I feel like this is the only place that may understand what I'm feeling and going through. Sorry to write so much in my first post...I'll end it at that.

Last edited by walkingwill; 09-27-2013 at 03:28 PM.
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  #2  
Old 09-27-2013, 04:02 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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That's a good story. No need to apologize when it's easy to read.

The feelings you are experiencing are normal. You may be able to work with them or you may not. There's clearly not one right answer.

I text Susan all the time. Most are just to let her know I'm thinking of her. She may or may not text back. If I know she's going to be busy, I typically refrain; not due to jealousy, but that I don't want to interrupt. I still always send her a good night and a good morning.

On the overall, my jealousy is always insecurity related. There are times I'm afraid she's going to end our relationship. It's completely irrational, but it's just something I have to deal with. It is exacerbated when I don't know whether I need to be around for her or not. The other thing I had to learn is that it's not a competition. She clearly enjoys being with you, and that's independent of anything else going on. You don't have to compete with her other flings. You just have to keep being yourself since she's clearly attracted to you.

Over time, I've gotten less and less jealous because I've been able to conquer the insecurity in this relationship. Try to identify what it is that is causing you the jealousy and see how you can adjust to it.

It won't be easy, but the level of communication you two already have will make it a lot easier.
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Old 09-27-2013, 06:19 PM
walkingwill walkingwill is offline
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I think what I am feeling is due to insecurity, like you said, from the fear of her just ending our relationship. Finding someone that's "good enough to keep her" and what not. Her seemingly large network of flings is admittedly intimidating. Maybe these feelings of attempting to be indifferent are just my defense mechanism in case something happens. I guess when it all comes down to it, I need to be stronger and stop being afraid of what could happen. It's not a competition. Thanks for saying that. I should be happy with what I have and enjoy the time I spend with her. Be happy that she is happy and happy that she is out enjoying herself. I need to focus on the emotional connection we have. That love. Those moments like what I described earlier.

I'm an IT Technician whose dream is to start my own independent game studio, so when I'm not working, sleeping, or with her....I'm working on my project. At first, just doing that was enough but my mind wanders. Last night before she texted I wanted to numb it with a few dos equis(like 3 total...i'm a cheap date haha)which sparked inquiry as to what the occasion was for me to be drinking...again, I talked around it. I see what I need to fix and learn to be more honest and open about how I feel like she's been...I'm finding out it takes getting used to. That's the one thing that was stressed in what I was reading about in this kind of a relationship. Hopefully over time this uncertainty i feel will pass, like it did in your case. Though maybe for awhile on those days when she's out with her flings I should go out too. Not to "pick up" anyone or anything. Like I said, I'm not interested in looking around right now. I'm saying that maybe it would help get things like that off my mind. Is that just running away from the problem? Thank you for your advice. It's nice to have a place where I can talk about this.
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Old 09-27-2013, 06:24 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I'm not sure it ever passes. It gets less. You get more secure. But I went three nights last week unable to sleep well. It was more complex than just jealousy, but there was definitely some jealousy involved.
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Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #5  
Old 09-27-2013, 08:50 PM
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sdguitarguy sdguitarguy is offline
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It sounds like you have some good communication going on. And it is great that you are both willing to be so open.

You're not alone. There is rarely a perfect match in sexuality between two people.

As to whether you should go out - you'll get differing opinions here. Distracting yourself from those thoughts is reasonable as long as it is not complete escapism. Both sexual and non-sexual distractions helped me through some tough nights as I learned that I could, in fact, survive (and eventually be completely ok with) my partner being out with someone else. And I learned that having a lover did not reduce or diminish my feelings for my other lover. So I could better see my partner's point of view making the transition easier for me.

And she's living with you, not these other people. She has chosen you for a reason. Have you thought about what those reasons are? Understanding the answer to that question can help you feel more secure about your relationship.
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Old 09-28-2013, 02:00 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Three times a day, every day? The mind boggles.

With all these casual sex partners she's got, do you know what her safer sex practices are? Do the two of you get tested regularly? Just wondering.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-28-2013 at 02:02 AM.
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