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Old 09-24-2013, 08:55 PM
Stevefromtexas Stevefromtexas is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 7
Default Thinking about poly, am I being unreasonable?

Hello to all

Myself and my wife have been together for 13 years, married for 8 and have been strictly mono. A few years ago we both "lightly cheated" right about the same time (no actual sex, supposedly, but it did get physical) but if not found out/caught, probably would have eventually got to sex. I have realized we both must have been missing something for it to be timed so perfect. We decided to try and work it out and continued our marriage. Since then, to sum it up, we have both engaged in flirtatious conversations and maybe even some "more than just a friend emotions" with others which eventually "again" had means to get deeper if not found out. We are adults and we have talked about this and we both think what it comes down to is, we both enjoy the attention, feeling of being wanted, and the excitement that comes from a new relationship with someone else. I do still love her and I believe she does me, but I can honestly say, we love each other, we are not "in love". Now after the fact and even my self admitting of my "friendships" with others, I feel that she did worse, because I never actually met up with any of these women behind her back, and she did meet up with her male friends. Granted, it was always in a group setting. It's not like she met up with him at his house all alone at 3AM. We both like the attention but I feel she was more disrespectful to me since she met up and I was just sending texts.
Fast forward to now. She feels I'm cold and heartless and don't love her the way she wants to be loved. I understand this, my profession is one where you get hardened very quickly and see the worse in people and the world. I don't doubt that I have a very slight level of PTSD and I try not to let it affect me but it sometimes does. Very slightly and nothing even worth mentioning in this conversation so in a ways feel I cut her a little slack. Now I feel that she wants all that "love" but I am only willing to give her so much of myself because I feel she has betrayed me and violated my trust. I know I did too but I feel she did worse, and the first time she had a "friendship" with one guy was before I did anything and was still so in love with her and she had 100% of me. So, in closing, she wants 100% of me and I'm only willing to give let's just say 70%. I know that if I give her 100% I probably wouldn't have to worry about her doing anything, but I just see it as (you F'ed me over and you want me to give you all of me so that you can be happy after you hurt me.) So were at this stalemate where we both wonder if we are done (we both don't want to be, but something's gotta give.) So I looked into staying together but trying other things. We talked about open marriage, but we both think the jealousy and constant wondering would be too much for both of us. Then we said well, open marriage but no sex. Just open to "date" others, but thought what if after multiple dates real feelings started developing for the individual and would that ruin our relationship. So I pitched the idea of US having a girlfriend. US as in we would both have to be on the same page. Playing devils advocate, anyone could say, well why not a boyfriend, but to make it easy, that ain't gonna happen, and she doesn't ask that herself. Not to insult anyone but we both find it easier to see two women together than two men non sexually or sexually. I honestly feel that I can love more than one person without taking away love from the other. She has listened to me and heard me out but I think it may just be to entertain my "thought" and not have any intention of following through with it. When I had my "friendships" I found myself more sensitive to her needs because my mindset was in the pleasing process due to my new friend at the time. Sorry for babbling on I'm just confused and hoping anyone can help.
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Old 09-24-2013, 09:12 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

I'd actually just suggest at least a few sessions of couples therapy, where you can determine if the two of you want to still be in a relationship, whether its the form it is now, or maybe you two step back from a marriage sort of dynamic date each other but also date others. A poly friendly therapist can also help ask the questions you both might be missing about if poly is a realistic or viable option for the two of you.

I sure wouldn't want to be the girlfriend of a couple who had such obvious issues still, and most people wouldn't. Mainly its the fact that you are hung up on how "she did worse" than you did makes it seem pretty clear that you two need to work through that problem before inviting other people to get entangled with you.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 09-24-2013, 09:18 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,821


It isn't going to fix things.

Also dating as a couple is also not a good idea. Only in extremely rare cases does it work.

Read these links


40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 09-24-2013, 10:54 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Fix the issues first. Always.

TOTALLY unfair to any third party to be dragged through existing bs.

You feel she did worse. That's totally normal.
I would bet money she feels you did worse. That's totally normal.

The bottom line is that you each did something that hurt the other. If you want to fix things-you need to STOP laying blame or trying to compete on who is worse. Start focusing on what to do to fix yourself.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 09-25-2013, 01:22 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

As the person who was unknowingly brought into a fucked up marriage - and in their case, unlike you, they failed to realize how broken their marriage was - I say don't do it. I was a pawn in the game and ultimately disposable. I was devastated. You guys know your marriage is fucked up. So what do you really have to offer in the way of love and consideration?

Btw, this whole keeping score: "she cheated worse than I did," isn't going to work for you in the long run if you want to maintain your relationship. You both cheated. Period. The question is why? You're fooling yourself if you think you're less culpable because you didn't go as far as she did. Once you both stepped over that line, the game changed.
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Old 09-25-2013, 01:34 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

You need to do a lot of growing up and taking responsibility. Get into therapy and stop blaming her for this or that, and stop keeping score. You're either full partners willing to own your shit, or why stay?

And no one in their right mind would want to get involved with the two of you with such a mess going on! Marriage broken? DO NOT add more people!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 09-25-2013, 06:14 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,521

Sounds like there trust issues ....still. No sex Supposedly

You got some resentment 70% investment as apposed to the 100%.....and by that math this doesn't sound like your wife is truly on board. This sounds like pay back .....or a backdoor way out of a failing marriage. Might be quicker to just pull the plug. Any kids involved.....staying together for the kids ?
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