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  #1  
Old 09-21-2013, 05:05 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default Another Mono in Polyland

I've been reading this forum for around two years but my struggles with poly have increased lately and I'm trying to use every tool to work through my discomfort.

Upside to writing here: there are some smart people on this forum who opinions I respect and perhaps I'll get a welcomed different perspective, if i can live through some of the harshness. My hope is that by continuing to change myself (my view of poly) I'll become more comfortable with my partner's desires. I've committed to him and to what is important to him and believe in a person's right and necessity to freedom, it's just that i react at times so painfully to his choices. I want to change that. Plus I know that I have huge blind spots and I need help finding them.

Downside to writing here: it can be an enormous time suck. I already spend all day at a computer, I don't want to increase time on my butt. I also fear that as I write I will entrench myself deeper into my position and mono-mindset. I love to be "right," I kind of think I am "right" and in articulating my thoughts and defending myself I'll just be hardening my position. And I already use private writing as a tool.

I decided to go ahead against my better judgement (hey like poly) because I'm trying to force myself to do new things. Thanks for creating this great environment for it!
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  #2  
Old 09-22-2013, 11:06 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Hi and welcome to the forum!

Hope the amount of time you put into this will not be wasted. This is probably one of the very best places to post your thoughts about poly-related issues and get new perspectives and advice.
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I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).
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  #3  
Old 09-23-2013, 03:23 AM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default a good day

My reactions to his interest in other women is so mixed. Often I'm delighted that he is enjoying something yummy -- their interest in him, a surprise kiss, fun possibilities. Then other times I'm furious. I not feeling that way right now, but here's where I'll go when it hits. And that's what it feels like, being slammed with inarticulate fury. Of course now that I think of it, I have no problem with flirtations and fun fucks. But I get pissed when it seems like he's at 70 percent in several areas in his life and he wants to start another relationship.

But now all is fine. I got a little grumpy this morning as I was gardening...somehow when I work too much I go to "this is not fair, I provide all this and he wants more" meaning he wants poly. I can work myself into a self righteous evil frenzy but really I don't want to go there anymore. I tend to work very hard and a lot, both at the office and at home and he is much more casual, much less a perfectionist and so I work overall more than he does. But I have to remember that it is a choice I make, he doesn't make me. If I want to have more fun I should, not try to make him have less fun! Really we need to meet more in the middle, I need to lighten up and he needs to focus more I think.

Enough for now, I just wanted to be sure to write when all is well so there is a baseline for if it hits the fan again.

Thanks for the welcome! I wish I had titled my thread differently, there is someone who already was a similar title. Maybe I can change this title?
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  #4  
Old 10-04-2013, 05:05 AM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default how bad does it have to get

My stance with poly is that I have to deal with it, I knew he was poly going in and I don't want to limit him and I'm willing to do the work of coping with the feelings. Then after several mornings waking up with a sad heart, for the second week, I wondered how bad does it have to get? How many days of heavy heart, even after journaling, meetings, reading the forum, examining my feelings? How much time to do I have to devote to functioning through these feelings?

Just read some more posts now and was reminded: my stuff, my responsibility. Ugh sometimes I have being an adult.
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  #5  
Old 10-04-2013, 01:09 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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I've been in my relationship for two years. My experience is that the first few months were spent turning over the same problems again and again until we really dug down into the meat of the issue. If you're not used to this type of introspection, it's hard, and you may get through parts of it, work through those, and realize you're still not done.

At two years in, I'm still turning over stones that we've turned over before (my latest has been wanting to feel publicly validated, to be seen as his partner by his family and friends, even though I'm not local, and even though my head hears what he's saying, and sees them treating me kindly, I still get worked up that M1 ends up getting that time to bond with them and I don't).

You'll probably find that the things that get triggered every day are the ones you'll work through first (his having a partner, his time management, the things he says in front of you, public affection to his partner). And by working through them, I don't mean "he does what he wants and you suck it up." I mean you both work through them together and find what works for the both of you.

The things that don't happen all the time will be the ones you'll revisit again and again later.

For me, it's still a bit of an emotional roller coaster each time it happens, but it's less frequent than it was at the start. If your partner is supportive, hang in there, do the work, and it should get easier over time.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #6  
Old 10-04-2013, 02:42 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
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Default Thanks

Hello YouAreHere. Thanks for your post. And sorry I titled my thread so like yours. I should looking to changing that.

I do feel like I'm processing the same stuff over and over again, thanks for sharing that was your experience. I often relate to your experience as I had similar - I was the live away single and he was married. Now it's different and million times easier, as I no longer experience that heart ripping drive home each week and the Monday emotional hangover from dealing with his wife and the sad goodbye.

Our life is very peaceful now, he is awesome, he has a huge heart, some free time and and he just loves his ladies. He is kind, attentive, patient, playful and I seethe with resentment or move through my days with heart heaviness and intermittent nausea at the thought of him with another. So who is the freak here? But stop, just as I don't want to judge him, I have to stop judging myself.

It always goes back to the same thing: my feelings, my responsibility to deal with it. But how come no one posts probing questions for polys to answer? How come no one asks why the need for so much romantic stimulation? Are they avoiding anything? Suggests an inventory of their lives, a real hard look at their emotional, physical, spiritual and financial health and level of participation? I don't know other people's stories but I think these issues need addressing for my partner. Whoa but here we go again with me being in his stuff - his life is not for me to evaluate. I believe that on some level but I have such a hard time implementing it!

Okay enough for now....off to work.
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Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
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