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Old 09-19-2013, 06:59 PM
drinnt drinnt is offline
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Default When swinging became poly

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post. I was on the swinger boards today and thinking to myself "I'm in the wrong place...most of this stuff just doesn't apply to us anymore!" So here I am.

My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married 10. Two years into our relationship we entered the swinger community but didn't play until 2 years in. We've had our share of partners over the years, and by that I mean 3 or 4, all couples...but never really got into the casual sex aspect of it. We were always looking for more committed friends with benefits.

Well, earlier this year we met a couple and clicked with them IMMEDIATELY. Within a month we had become exclusive, seeing each other every other week at the least. Each week it seemed we kept expanding our boundaries until we found ourselves splitting off into swapped couples 100% of the time we were together, even sleeping together and going on separate dates on select evenings. When we went on vacation together we swapped for pretty much the whole vacation but hung out together a lot as a foursome.

It didn't take maybe 3 months before we were all saying "I love you" because, well, it was undeniable. We are truly in love with our swapped partners and they with us. Us two guys get along very well and the girls have a way to go at deepening their connection and are working on it.

So I guess comes the realization now after 6 months that we are NOT swinging any more. We ARE in a four way relationship. Some days it sure feels just like a relationship with jealousy, hurt feelings, miscommunications and apologies. All with an amazing connection and unbelievably stellar chemistry. We tag all three bases: emotional, physical and mental connections. We're not "out" with our families and are still very discreet around people from our circles. But despite that we have a blast wherever we go and whatever we do.

The challenge we are just starting to face now is ACCEPTING that this is a four way relationship...it's not what we were looking for...and it's what we HAVE. No one wants to stop, sometimes it's hard and we want to grow and learn from our early mistakes. This weekend we are going to have our first four way conversation from the context of this being a relationship on how to speak our minds when something is upsetting us IN THE MOMENT and not try to "put on a smile" and have it ruin our weeks when we return to our spouses. Surely I'll have plenty of need of advise as things move along!!!

So here I am. Coming to a new board to see what I can learn about this new and wonderful...also tricky at times...horizon that is rising before me/us.
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J - my wife & partner since 2000
D - R's wife & my girlfriend
R - D's husband & J's boyfriend
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Old 09-19-2013, 07:02 PM
drinnt drinnt is offline
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Default If you share my story...

By the way...if you can relate to my story and have had a similar experience or are going through a similar situation...I would REALLY love to hear from you via a reply!
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:13 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
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Default Welcome

Steve,

Welcome to the forum and yes I agree that you are in the right place.

I am responding to your post because my wife and I are in the same situation with another couple. We did not start as swingers mind you but that doesn't matter anyway. Your current situation relates to ours almost exactly. Dates, overnights, statements of love... between secondaries. Yes its a lot of fun and very challenging emotionally at times.

If you wish to chat further please message me directly. I came here to learn from others in the same situation. There aren't that many compared to other configurations but I have made a few great contacts.

Cheers,

~S
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Old 09-19-2013, 09:10 PM
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Nudge Nudge is offline
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Welcome to what I hope will be a new home for you!

I am a bit complementary to your situation. I identify as poly, but have just started exploring 'the lifestyle' in my area. My interest is to broaden my social group, and where I live, many more people identify as swingers than poly.

I find the two types of open relationship are closely related, though I speak more out of reading than anything else, having not attended any swinger events yet. I'll have to let you know what I find out!
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:02 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Steve,
Welcome to our forum.

I have not been a swinger and went straight from monogamy into a polyamorous situation. But what we do have in common is that polyamory "happened to me;" I hadn't "planned to try it out."

Polyamory requires lots of learning and communication, so definitely study the various threads on these boards, post, and learn as much as you can. You're still in the very early stages of your poly relationship and there is lots of NRE (New Relationship Energy) going around to confuse the feelings of insecurity that sometimes arise. You might want to do a search or tag search here on "communication."

The four of you will want to get to know each other even better, understanding each other's hopes, fears, wants, needs, etc.

Hope your stay on Polyamory.com is a fruitful one.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 09-20-2013, 01:16 PM
drinnt drinnt is offline
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Default Thanks

Thank you for the replies and warm welcome. I very much appreciate your support and encouragement. I will be reading up more on the forum and look forward to learning a lot from the path many of you have been on for quite a while. I'm in a whole new territory now and quite honestly finding this forum creates a whole new context for our budding relationship.
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J - my wife & partner since 2000
D - R's wife & my girlfriend
R - D's husband & J's boyfriend
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Old 09-21-2013, 01:35 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Keep us posted on how things are going. I'm wishing you guys well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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