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Old 09-18-2013, 06:23 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Default My partner's potential partner has herpes/HSV 1 and 2

Ginger has been IMing with Mischa for a couple years. They even started chatting before he and I met. She lives over 50 miles away. In the last year they started chatting more often and a couple months ago they finally met for the first time.

Before she came to his place, she told him she has herpes. At the time of their date, she had an open lesion on her lip. She had been getting these since she was a kid, and for most of her life thought little of it. "Don't all kids get cold sores?" was her attitude.

On their date, they didn't kiss. They did take their shirts off and have tit play. Kept their pants on and "dry humped."

Now, another 6 weeks or so have gone by and they have the opportunity for her to come visit again. In that time, she was tested and found to have HSV 1 and 2. She has never had any lesions anywhere but on her mouth. Ginger tells me she has been very upset about it, and he has spent time in IM, comforting her. But, they haven't specifically had the safer sex talk. He's been telling me he prefers to do that in person. Which is weird, because he spends a lot of time in chat, with me, with her, with any person/woman he likes or is attracted to.

But, it is what it is. So, she is coming to him tonight and "probably" going to spend the night, sleeping in his bed.

I am fluid bonded with him and with my gf miss pixi. I've been researching like mad today and sharing info with Ginger. Even if he prefers to talk to Mischa about safer sex in person, I darn well will do it in IM! So far he's been telling me he probably won't even kiss her, even if she is lesion free, as we know there can be asymptomatic shedding.

I know herpes is "just" a skin condition (I'm past childbearing age, my gf is infertile, and we aren't immunocompromised), but I understand it can be very painful, and frankly, I'm 58 and have enough health problems as it is. I really don't feel like adding one more.

Ginger, however, has many many food and airborne allergies, which are an immune system defect.

Ginger hasn't even asked her if she's on antivirals yet. I guess he will find out more tonight! I don't want to seem micromanaging, but this is MY sexual health, and potentially the sexual health of my gf as well, that we are talking about here. </mini rant>.

Most info online about transmission assumes monogamy, or serial monogamy at most. Things are different when one is poly and has very frequent sex! I'd say if you're having 15 minutes of sex with one person a week, it's much different, transmission-wise, than if you're having hours of sex a week with 2 or more partners.

Any input/stories/sharing welcome. I've read other threads here about STDs but wanted to start one with herpes in the title.
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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Old 09-18-2013, 06:53 PM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
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You are using the terms STD and HSV 1& 2 interchangeably, but the only place you mentioned her having a lesion ever was on her face/lip area. If that is indeed the case, then yes, they should be careful of kissing and of her giving him oral without protection when she has an outbreak (especially if it is seeping), but otherwise sexual activity should not be an issue.
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Old 09-18-2013, 07:33 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChristy View Post
You are using the terms STD and HSV 1& 2 interchangeably...
I don't believe I used the term STD at all.

edit, I did just at the end of the thread. I don't think all STDs are interchangeable.

Quote:
but the only place you mentioned her having a lesion ever was on her face/lip area.
Right. She's never had a lesion anywhere else. The HSV 2 diagnosis came as a complete and unpleasant surprise.

Quote:
If that is indeed the case, then yes, they should be careful of kissing and of her giving him oral without protection when she has an outbreak (especially if it is seeping), but otherwise sexual activity should not be an issue.
Well, I dunno. There can be asymptomatic shedding at any time, which can result in transmission. Taking antiviral meds and using a condom for oral or intercourse can reduce risk. Somewhere I read if the man wears a condom AND boxers during sex, to cover his balls and upper thighs, it can also help.

Ginger doesn't know yet if she has started taking daily antivirals.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32

Last edited by Magdlyn; 09-18-2013 at 07:35 PM.
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Old 09-18-2013, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I don't believe I used the term STD at all.
You did indeed in your last sentence when you said that you have "read other threads on here about STD's." I just was unclear by that if you were insinuating that HSV was also and STD.

Quote:
Right. She's never had a lesion anywhere else. The HSV 2 diagnosis came as a complete and unpleasant surprise
It is unfortunate, but unfortunately anyone that is having recurrent mouth sores or recurrent lesions elsewhere should be tested.

Quote:
Well, I dunno. There can be asymptomatic shedding at any time, which can result in transmission. Taking antiviral meds and using a condom can reduce risk. Somewhere I read if the man wears a condom AND boxers during sex, to cover his balls and upper thighs, it can also help.
But if she doesn't have any lesions that would shed in her groin area, so risk of your partner developing a HSV outbreak on himself down there would be slim. Also, just the idea of a man having sex with boxers on sounds impractical. While I am all for safe sex, I feel as if you are viewing this as more of a risk during actual penetrative sex than it actually is.
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Old 09-18-2013, 07:47 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChristy View Post
You did indeed in your last sentence when you said that you have "read other threads on here about STD's." I just was unclear by that if you were insinuating that HSV was also an STD.
I edited. But yes, I do consider herpes to be a sexually transmitted disease. It can be spread by kissing, oral sex or intercourse.

Since Mischa got it as a kid, who knows.... a kiss from an uncle, a slobber from another toddler. Sharing a drink.


Quote:
But if she doesn't have any lesions that would shed in her groin area, so risk of your partner developing a HSV outbreak on himself down there would be slim.
My understanding is you don't need a lesion to shed. That is why it is called asymptomatic shedding.

Quote:
Also, just the idea of a man having sex with boxers on sounds impractical.
Huh, I dunno. I've had sex in a hurry with guys who left their underwear on and just took out their cock. It's not ideal, and I don't know if it's worth it to Ginger to have to do that with her.

Quote:
While I am all for safe sex, I feel as if you are viewing this as more of a risk during actual penetrative sex than it actually is.
It's a big deal when you're fluid bonded and poly. I may be overreacting. I just don't know if we need all this bother just for him to have a roll in the hay with her... I'd reconsider being fluid bonded with him if he does decide to fuck her. He's even told me he'd reconsider going back to condoms if I found a new partner... never mind testing results, so I don't want some kind of double standard.

Ginger LOVES kissing too though. Would he choose to kiss her over getting to kiss me and miss pixi? Is being with yet one more woman that important to him?

FTR, I am not dating any others now, for emotional reasons.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #6  
Old 09-19-2013, 07:06 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Mag-

1st) I say this as someone who has genital herpes (2) but not (1).


WHATEVER you decide is best for you-is perfectly acceptable. If exposure to this risk isn't acceptable to you-THAT IS OK!
Don't feel guilty over that (some people do, not saying you would, just covering bases).

That said,
Yes it can be asymptomatic, you can also have either 1 or 2 show up on mouth, genitals, OR ANY WHERE ELSE ON YOUR BODY.
AND
it's COMMON for people to NOT realize that is what it is.

I contracted 2 when I was 15. (so before I was sexually involved with Maca or GG).
We are all tested regularly.

They both test positive for 1 (both have had cold sores on their mouths periodically since childhood).

NEITHER of them test positive for 2. I have been fluid bonded with Maca for 15 years and with GG for... God I don't know.. the first time we had sex was 18 years ago I think...

Very robust, active sex life with Maca, more like.... 5-8 times a month with GG.

I also have never been on a daily regimen of the medication. I do take it the week prior to my period (because when I get a breakout-it tends to be same time as my period).

Painful... not necessarily. If you scratch, dig etc it can be. It becomes an open wound. (and it does itch, even before there is a sore). But-if you pay attention to your body, you notice the itching before there is ever a sore, take a pill a day or rub the cream on a couple times a day. It controls the itch and generally keeps it from every becoming a full blown sore.

If you want more info-you can always pm me. I dont know exactly what you might want to know. But I have been living with herpes for... well a long ass time.

AND
I ABSOLUTELY support ANYONE who decides they don't want to risk it. TOTALLY unacceptable for someone to treat another person like they don't have that choice just because it's "common".

Drinking coffee is "normal" and "everyone does it". But I don't. I think it's nasty and disgusting and I don't drink it.
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