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Old 09-17-2013, 05:25 AM
Neutralwind Neutralwind is offline
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Default Poly possibly going "comitted"? help!

Well first off let me say, I just created an account here today and this is my first post. I had this problem going through my mind all day at work today and slightly (but not as intense) a week prior.

Let me rewind it back, I ended a bad relationship with my last ex 2 years ago and it made me change my views on "marriage/handfasting" (yes i'm pagan) and monogamy and decided polyamory was the most logical lifestyle for a human to live. (i believed in it, so to speak, but never practiced it) I am a man btw, and am almost 6 months into a relationship with a woman. We are both poly (even though she is my only girlfriend, she has another man a state away) but these 6 months things have been beyond terrific. I've never felt such love and respect form a person before.
But... The thought occured to me today that is this relationship continues to develop as lovely as it has, in a few years I will want more than this. I would be happy to advance our relationship further and if possible, marry her. But...this is poly! Why am I thinking this? It's what I feel, so I shouldn't hide it, but if the relationship is going to plateau so to speak....will this be it?
How do couples in poly who are feverishly in love marry, and keep a poly relationship working?

i'm talking to her about it tomorrow. (I'm not wanting to marry her now, no. I just know I could someday if this stays as growthful as it is. Thus...the problem)
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Old 09-17-2013, 05:37 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Not sure where you are confused.

Lots of married folks accept and recognize that they can have that special feeling with more than one person....
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Old 09-17-2013, 05:43 AM
Neutralwind Neutralwind is offline
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I'm just worried (since this is my first poly relationship) that the relationship someday may hit a point where I try to advance it and it is rejected due to her never wanting commitment. I fully support her and her other relationship. I'm friends with the man, great guy, but Is it common for people to plateau poly relationships and keep them just as "dating"?
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Old 09-17-2013, 06:20 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I don't think there is a 'normal' in poly.

For example, My boyfriend and husband and I live together and have raised our kids and are now helping and enjoying our grandkids.
I've been with my bf for 20 years and my husband 15...

Some people plateau at dating I suppose. But not everyone by any means.
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Old 09-17-2013, 06:21 AM
london london is offline
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Why do you think polyamory means "doesn't want commitment"? You know, it's only since I have embraced being poly that I can even think about stuff like marriage without having a panic attack.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:40 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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By "commitment" do you mean "monogamy"? If not, why do you see commitment as incompatible with polyamory?
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:42 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome

In a few yrs you'll want more. More means what ? Also the assumption is in a few yrs she'll want ( more ) and marry you vs Steve or joe. Then you got the whole hierarchy thing to deal with.


LR .....that's a little misleading on your history.....youre painting a 20yr poly history.....left out the cheating, etc.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:57 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Hi and welcome

In a few yrs you'll want more. More means what ? Also the assumption is in a few yrs she'll want ( more ) and marry you vs Steve or joe. Then you got the whole hierarchy thing to deal with.


LR .....that's a little misleading on your history.....youre painting a 20yr poly history.....left out the cheating, etc.
I refuse to re-type it all via my phone DH-but I figure it's all written here and I log in by computer frequently enough to rehash details.
At any rate-yes, I did cheat and that is how we got to the term poly and opting to change our lifestyle to a fully honest one.
But we were already living together and long before Maca and I married-we were co-raising children.
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Old 09-18-2013, 08:07 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neutralwind View Post
I'm just worried (since this is my first poly relationship) that the relationship someday may hit a point where I try to advance it and it is rejected due to her never wanting commitment. I fully support her and her other relationship. I'm friends with the man, great guy, but Is it common for people to plateau poly relationships and keep them just as "dating"?
I dont consider being poly to be never wanting committment. I feel committed to both my husband and my boyfriend for different reasons. My husband i share a home, finances, children, a long relationship and the agreement to strive to never divorce so we are married (though we were married before poly). My boyfriend Nudge, i feel committed to being with him, meeting his needs, etc. I actually i am so satisfied with the two of them, im interested in nothing else but fully believe in a poly lifestyle. does wanting solely two make me any "less" poly?
I dont think wanting to marry someone means you dont want to be poly or not, but maybe look to yourself if the need for it comes from any insecurity? you can have a lot of the htings Ive just said without being married. When im feeling insecure, I want Nudge to forsake dating (hes married) so im the *only* girlfriend, but thats my problem not his
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Old 09-17-2013, 11:10 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neutralwind View Post
I've never felt such love and respect form a person before.
But... The thought occured to me today that is this relationship continues to develop as lovely as it has, in a few years I will want more than this.
Were you under the misconception that polyamorous relationships by definition cannot be committed? Poly isn't a stop along the way to more serious commitments. It simply means that you love more than one person. You can have commitments with more than one person. So, what is the problem?

Also, I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. You've only been seeing this woman less than six months. No need to freak out about the future this early in a relationship - you're still just getting to know each other. Chill.
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