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  #1  
Old 09-12-2013, 07:53 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Default Talking it out

I think a blog here might be helpful. My thoughts get all jumbled in my head and writing them out is the only way to organize them. Some feedback now and then is awesome, too.

Right now... I'm kind of struggling.

The current cast - I'm married to an amazing man (H). He gets me in a way that no one else ever has. I have no doubt that he is my soul mate (or one of them). The only problem I feel like our relationship has is too much familiarity now and then. We slip into friend mode instead of being lovers. Not bad, necessarily, but it feels awful when I'm not feeling very attracted to him because I've let that "friend" mindset seep in. On occasion there are other struggles, but they are usually processed and gone within a short span of time without much heartache. He is not currently seeing anyone else.

For about 8 months or so, I was dating a guy (B). I really felt (feel? this is what I'm processing now...) that I could love him and be with him for a long time. For a variety of reasons -see post 2 in a bit - I just ended things with him. We're still in contact, however, and may or may not revisit a relationship at some point. B dates a few women but hasn't had a "relationship" (the daily contact kind that he and I both prefer) other than the one with me since the beginning of the year.

I also have a casual dating relationship with a woman (Z) that I really enjoy. We're non-sexual, lots of hand-holding and kissing, though. We see each other once or twice a month. My schedule is crazy and she doesn't drive, so it's hard to work it out more than that. She is in the process of establishing a more poly-fi setup, which may or may not affect whatever it is that we're doing.

Recently, I started seeing a new fella (D)... We've been talking for about 2-3 months, been out a couple of times, just had sex for the first time this week. He is semi-geographically undesirable, but it is doable. There will not be the potential to see him more than once a week for the foreseeable future. He has a primary partner that he lives with. They are fairly new to poly and still figuring out their boundaries.

I have a very close, also poly friend that I talk to. A lot. About everything. She (Y) is my only real confidant besides H. H jokes that we might as well be together, minus the sex. Possibly true, but neither of us is attracted to the other and while we really like each other as FRIENDS, it has never felt like more than that.

Now onto my current turmoil...
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Old 09-12-2013, 08:07 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I ended things with B for a few reasons.

1 - I had no idea where I stood in his life. He'd go from saying he wanted me to approve of the people in his life to not telling me that he had a new person in his life in the span of a week. He'd ask for me to make time in my schedule on a day that I'm normally not available (vague, no date mentioned kind of thing). I'd pick a date that I could make happen, free it up, and then that would be the ONE time that month that he's not available on that day. Crap that just made me question whether or not he thought about me at all when I wasn't in his presence.

2 - I need company when I am emotionally upset. I don't necessarily need to talk or anything, I just need someone to hug me. He would consistently "give me space" until I felt better. Leaving me feeling abandoned. I talked to him about this multiple times and it never changed.

3 - The least important - We have very little in common. Besides having awesome sex and similar interests in entertainment, we have nothing to talk about. We don't have the same friends (or even friends that the other is interested in getting to know). We don't have similar jobs AT ALL. We have vastly different backgrounds.

He wants to try again in the future. I don't think it's possible because of reasons 1 & 2. I'm torn. I care about him so much. The good times were fantastic, but the bad times were heart-wrenching. Right now we're in this weird limbo where we talk a bit here and there, then just drop off because we reach an impasse about what it is we're doing/going to do.

It's frustrating, and I'm just lost.
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  #3  
Old 09-13-2013, 03:24 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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How is it possible to be so sad and so utterly happy at the same time?

D is just great. He's so open about everything. He gets me to vent, then promptly says something wonderful about me and makes me feel like everything is right in the world. I'm both disappointed and grateful for the physical distance between us so I don't get sucked into the pattern of seeing him almost every day like I did with B. So - very happy here.

I'm done with B. I need to process and be done, and I can't do that always holding on to the notion that we may be able to get back together one day. It saddens me, because I really care for him, but I know that it's the right decision. I've known it for a while and have just been trying to convince myself otherwise. He has proven time and time again that I am not even close to being a priority. I'll get over it, but tonight I am alone and I am crying and all I want to do is get him to come over and hug me. Even if I asked (and had the right to ask), though, he'd probably have an excuse not to.

Just feeling torn. Vulnerable. Loving NRE on one while mourning a relationship that I thought could be love. Awkward!
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  #4  
Old 09-17-2013, 06:57 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Feeling happy.

I didn't realize how stressed I'd been until I just wasn't feeling stressed anymore.

H and I had the BEST weekend. Random household chores - check! Trip to my favorite relaxation spot - check! Crazy, kinky hotel sex that I'm pretty sure caused the funny looks from the people in the room next to us the next morning - check! I love that we will stay in a hotel a mile from our apartment sometimes just because we enjoy "getting away."

I'm going to see Y this week, and she's going to get me drunk and cuddle on the couch with me.

THEN I get to see D twice this week! His primary gf (Z) and I have some mutual friends who want us all to hang out. Apparently Z says she "really, really" likes me -based on the two very casual interactions we've had.

I've also been talking to a woman on OKC and we may get together this weekend. Hoping we can work something out.

I feel so lucky right now.
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  #5  
Old 09-21-2013, 07:06 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Time with Y was fantastic. We hung out, did the whole sleepover thing (stayed up late, got drunk, talked about boys, and played with each others' hair. ), and then ran errands the next day. I absolutely love her kids, so I spent quite a bit of time helping them with homework/reading to the youngest while she escaped to get a little bit of work done.

My date with D tonight was nothing short of amazing. We teased, we talked, we fucked. He's so like me in many ways, yet in other ways we balance each other well. Hopefully that trend continues. I know we're both feeling the NRE right now, and we're trying to keep it under control. We did cross a boundary that I wasn't aware of tonight, I guess, so I am wanting to talk to Z to help clarify a few things. D is taking full responsibility since I wasn't aware but I feel bad for not having made sure we covered all boundaries/rules already. We're all supposed to hang out for a bit after the big friend gathering, so hopefully the four of us can make sure we're all on the same page.

I've never dated someone so new to poly, so I really don't want to assume anything in the future.
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Old 09-26-2013, 07:07 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Z was completely understanding about the rule-breaking. She knew I wasn't aware and is still really excited about D and I dating (she is kind of the reason we started seeing each other, actually). So... Yay.

We hung out with mutual friends yesterday. Z, D, H, and I plus 4 others. D absolutely loved getting to be in physical contact with both of us at the same time (rubbing my leg while holding Z's hand... having his arm around Z while holding my hand... just having our legs touching under the table... things like that). H was in kind of a shitty mood, and D is super shy so they didn't talk as much as I'd hoped, but it was fun and they both walked away liking each other. I like Z, too, and I know she is a fan of me so it seems like we'll be able to work out any potential issues pretty easily between whatever parties need to be involved.

D and I are doing great... We both feel so comfortable with each other, which is apparently unusual for us both. I tend to have issues opening up to people, and with D it just comes so naturally. He tends to just feel awkward and shy all the time which prevents him from really connecting. Oddly enough, we've not had those issues with each other.

H is simply amazing as always. We had a really nice weekend just being, then spent today doing household chores together. It is amazing how connected we feel just doing simple tasks together. I can tell he is itching to have more of a social life again, but is struggling to balance work, school, and making sure we have both relaxing and productive times together. I've been trying to help where I can - suggesting good times for him to go out, making sure transportation is accessible, etc., but for the most part it's up to him to make work or not. Drives me nuts, but what can you do!
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  #7  
Old 10-19-2014, 03:15 AM
maxnsue maxnsue is offline
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When you have as many relationship as you do, you are always going to have problems. What is wrong with people these days? Can't anyone find someone that makes them happy enough to not want other relationshis? My wife and I settled down with her girlfriend for 38 years and watched all of our poly friends break up or get divorced over the course of 5 years. They all have been married and divorced multiple times and yet still do the same things that never worked for them before. Perhaps there are some people who are looking for something that does not exist. Perhaps a lover who is a clone of you. No one can fulfill all of your needs. You may find yourself much happier if you find just one of each sex that makes you happy. You can keep looking for the rest of your life and you will always find someone else to love but at some point in your life, you either say that the grass is green enough to make you happy or you forever search for that elusive greener grass.

I know I am a bad representative of the poly community but I did have a triad that lasted for 38 years with no problems, despite our g/f being married somewhere in the middle of our relationship. Again, tonight I asked my wife why she never got jealous and had no problem with me spending as much time alone with her girlfriend. Most wives would feel neglected or insecure. My wife said that she knew I loved her on a deeper level than the love I had for our g/f. That is what you may want to find, the one, your rock and then all others can come and go without affecting your core relationship and life.

Just posting my thoughts as this place seems filled with people who want to be poly but keep picking partners that are not all that they want. We lost all of our friends to serial polygamy. That scared us enough to just take what we had and be happy with it. We have had a great life, a fun life, a life filled with love. I hope that you find the happiness that we have. Maybe it is that some people just start relationships with people that they should not have. Perhaps you should first form your core partners and then go from there so that you always have your core family to support you. Maybe I do not know what I am saying but we lasted when everyone we know, did not. I have to guess that we did something right.
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Old 10-21-2014, 01:14 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maxnsue View Post
When you have as many relationship as you do, you are always going to have problems. What is wrong with people these days? Can't anyone find someone that makes them happy enough to not want other relationshis?
That seems like a rude thing to say in my blog... What's wrong with me? Why don't you tell me, since you're the apparent expert.

I was very happy when I was in love with two people. I don't fall in love often, though, so since then I have dated off and on. If Hubby was on the same schedule I am and we had more than a couple of days a week together, I probably wouldn't date at all. So, whatever.
Quote:
My wife and I settled down with her girlfriend for 38 years and watched all of our poly friends break up or get divorced over the course of 5 years. They all have been married and divorced multiple times and yet still do the same things that never worked for them before. Perhaps there are some people who are looking for something that does not exist. Perhaps a lover who is a clone of you. No one can fulfill all of your needs. You may find yourself much happier if you find just one of each sex that makes you happy. You can keep looking for the rest of your life and you will always find someone else to love but at some point in your life, you either say that the grass is green enough to make you happy or you forever search for that elusive greener grass.
Well, congratu-fucking-lations on finding someone that compatible with the both of you. I honestly don't have much desire for a relationship with a woman these days. Granted, in a few months, I may be more lesbian that hetero. It's fluctuates. But the whole "having one of each" thing doesn't seem a useful solution.

Quote:
I know I am a bad representative of the poly community but I did have a triad that lasted for 38 years with no problems, despite our g/f being married somewhere in the middle of our relationship. Again, tonight I asked my wife why she never got jealous and had no problem with me spending as much time alone with her girlfriend. Most wives would feel neglected or insecure. My wife said that she knew I loved her on a deeper level than the love I had for our g/f. That is what you may want to find, the one, your rock and then all others can come and go without affecting your core relationship and life.

Just posting my thoughts as this place seems filled with people who want to be poly but keep picking partners that are not all that they want. We lost all of our friends to serial polygamy. That scared us enough to just take what we had and be happy with it. We have had a great life, a fun life, a life filled with love. I hope that you find the happiness that we have. Maybe it is that some people just start relationships with people that they should not have. Perhaps you should first form your core partners and then go from there so that you always have your core family to support you. Maybe I do not know what I am saying but we lasted when everyone we know, did not. I have to guess that we did something right.
Explain to me how to form my "core partners" when I have fallen in love 4 times in my life: 1- First real boyfriend 2 - Hubby 3- Female ex that ultimately was not compatible and ended amicably 4- Doomed which was catastrophically heart breaking for me.

I would be THRILLED to find compatible folks who wanted to be a family unit with Hubby and me. That is the POINT of me DATING. How am I supposed to find that without meeting new people?!

I don't feel like you fucking know me at all, and coming in my venting/processing space asking "what's wrong with people?!" because of my thoughts and experiences feels incredibly invasive of you.
__________________
Me: AG - 25yo, finding herself
Hubby: My awesome husband. Together for a decade.
Boy: Boyfriend with a complicated history.
Doomed: ex-boyfriend. Was vetoed by his now wife
Suave: Dating and seeing where it goes
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  #9  
Old 10-22-2014, 02:43 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I don't think I'm going to see Suave this week. We've talked periodically, but we haven't really gotten into a good conversation lately. Our schedules didn't really line up this week, although I could maybe make brunch or something short happen over the weekend... Hubby and I have some plans, but I could make time, if I wanted to. Something to think about, I guess.

Boy and I are hanging out this week, though. The weekend was awesome... Hubby, Boy, and I hadn't had a threesome in ages, and it was soooo fun! I can now say I've had anal sex with more than one guy... And that I've done DP... And that I really am lucky. Boy may not be what I imagined I wanted, but I'm really happy with my life. I need to accept that happiness and not worry so much about finding someone that loves me. Isn't genuine affection and caring good enough? Especially when it comes with awesome sex? He does spoil me sometimes, too. This weekend he brought me food while I was working, washed my sheets before he left (they were in a pile on the floor when we changed them), and then was really sweet in requesting a quiet night with me this week. Offering to bring food or cook here, but he'd rather stay in so we could just be. I told him no way was he cooking, since I hadn't gotten to feed him lately. I then pointed out that an event we've discussed multiple times was happening this week. He said he felt guilty not going yet again, but he really just wanted it to be the two of us. Works for me. I'm not really in the mood to be around lots of people anyway. Maybe next month we won't have an excuse....

Anyway, yes. Hubby is amazing, as always. He was a little upset about some things that happened during the threesome, but he rationalized himself calm by the time I even had a chance to talk to him about it. He apologized for being upset about it, even though I felt bad once he mentioned it. He's crazy good at realizing he's being irrational and taking steps to feel better about it. I love him, and I love how close we've been lately.

I have been a bit bad lately, though. Doomed and I have been talking a lot. Via text and on the phone. We made plans to see each other later this week, too, which I know he didn't tell his wife. I'm cancelling, though. Crossing that line is not okay, and I need to just step away. I know we're just friends and all that, but she would be very uncomfortable knowing that I'm the one he uses to vent to and as a sound board. I'm going to tell him we can't talk anymore.
__________________
Me: AG - 25yo, finding herself
Hubby: My awesome husband. Together for a decade.
Boy: Boyfriend with a complicated history.
Doomed: ex-boyfriend. Was vetoed by his now wife
Suave: Dating and seeing where it goes
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  #10  
Old 10-24-2014, 01:24 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I did decide to make a date with Suave. Brunch before he has to head out of town to meet his girlfriend for the weekend. They're plans are all fall-related, like mine and Hubby's are. We all thought it was funny, and if the gf lived closer would have done it as a group.

Hubby has been really supportive, even though I know he was a bit iffy when I first started talking to Suave. He even asked if Suave and I would be able to meet up late night and have an overnight to give us some more time. He's so cute when he's feeling compersion. I'm excited to go get more pumpkins, apples, and such to start Thanksgiving prep, though! Maybe we'll actually get some carving pumpkins to do something for Halloween this year, too.

Boy and I had a lovely evening in last night. He helped me make dessert and set the table while I finished up dinner (which was mostly done in the crock pot). We then just relaxed, watched a movie, and cuddled. I love that he's taken to stroking my hair when we're on the couch. He kept gathering it up and gently rubbing my neck/throat, too, which was oddly nice. He's actually coming over this evening, too, since I live closer to his work and he's not getting out of there until late. Easier to come here than go home, I guess.

That's about it around here. Still toeing a line with Doomed, but he's given up on actually meeting since I told him I was uncomfortable with that (and what would probably happen). He does have some professional contacts that he's going to set me up with, though, which could be helpful. I can't believe I'm searching for a job already. Sigh.
__________________
Me: AG - 25yo, finding herself
Hubby: My awesome husband. Together for a decade.
Boy: Boyfriend with a complicated history.
Doomed: ex-boyfriend. Was vetoed by his now wife
Suave: Dating and seeing where it goes
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