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Old 01-18-2011, 03:22 PM
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detritus detritus is offline
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Default Lonely and panicky--when does it get easier?

My husband and I have been married for about 8 months and together for 5 years. About a year and a half ago we decided to open our relationship, but until recently we've been just "poly in theory." My husband had a brief prior experience with poly in a past relationship, but this is all new to me.

He has been dating another woman for about 3 weeks, and my emotions are all over the place in ways I never anticipated. Even though we talked and read about poly for ages, I'm having really visceral emotional reactions that I'm finding very draining. He's been really great about supporting and reassuring me, and I met the woman he's dating a few days ago and I liked her. She had a long-term poly relationship in the past, so I feel like I can trust her to respect our boundaries and my emotions.

I expected to feel lonely on their date nights, so I try to plan other activities. What's confusing to me is that those nights are often easier than other nights when I'm home alone because he's working (he works part-time evenings and goes to school, I have a 9-5). I keep feeling just impossibly lonely. Then other times I'll get a little "bee" of doubt or insecurity that just grows and buzzes until I'm feeling really panicked and overwhelmed. And sometimes I can get over my neuroses for a minute and just feel happy and excited for him. Is all of this typical?

I feel like my relationship with my husband has gotten stronger over the last few weeks because we have both been forced to be radically honest with each other. I love that we are talking about issues that were easily ignored in the past, and I feel like I've already grown a lot emotionally. Still, all that good stuff is overshadowed by the really exhausting nasty emotions I keep getting gobsmacked by. It makes me wonder if I'm really cut out for this type of relationship, or if we are on a fool's errand. Do most people that make poly relationships work feel like being poly is an intrinsic sexual orientation? Or are there others like us that are just more, I dunno, attracted to the idea and willing to give it a try?
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Old 01-18-2011, 04:35 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by detritus View Post
.............It makes me wonder if I'm really cut out for this type of relationship, or if we are on a fool's errand. Do most people that make poly relationships work feel like being poly is an intrinsic sexual orientation? Or are there others like us that are just more, I dunno, attracted to the idea and willing to give it a try?
Hey Detritus,

Yes - all these emotions are absolutely normal. And as far as I know there's really no 'shortcut' to putting them behind you.

Why ?

Think about it. At this point in your life you've been subject to (probably) between 18 and 60 years of cultural conditioning ! You think you're going to reprogram that in a month ? Good luck !

But you can evolve beyond this if you choose to.

Steps.........

1> Study the differences between mono and poly some with an open mind. Make mental note of advantages and disadvantages of both. Weigh the philosophy of both against the world you DESIRE to live in !

2> If you choose to truly explore poly, involve yourself as deeply as possible. Read everything you can get your hands on. Find other successful poly people to communicate with. Talk, think. Repeat 10,000 times. Not necessarily in that order.

All of a sudden one day you will pause, look around, look back, and realize you are 'there'. And probably not realize how you got there But the lessons will never be forgotten.

GS
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Old 01-18-2011, 04:55 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by detritus View Post
I expected to feel lonely on their date nights, so I try to plan other activities. What's confusing to me is that those nights are often easier than other nights when I'm home alone because he's working (he works part-time evenings and goes to school, I have a 9-5). I keep feeling just impossibly lonely.
When are you getting your date nights (watching TV in the same room while one person folds laundry or does the dishes doesn't count)? It sounds like you guys are not spending enough time together. I know when my husband is off at some meeting or another for more than 3 nights a week, I start getting irritable from being lonely.
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Old 01-18-2011, 06:04 PM
Laylah Laylah is offline
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What you are feeling is normal as someone above said. And in the beginning it IS hard to get used to. I been there.. as im sure alot of folks here have. That is why I stand by figuring out ways that ALL can do things together. Because what seems to be missing is the time YOU need to bond with them BOTH. I mean what happens if he takes the relationship further and you dont get your time to bond to... and you find out that you cant stand the person in the long run. So if it were me... And you say you and him have a good communication... talk about it... tell him you would like to be included in their date nights.So you can have some time with them to. After all... your going to be spending alot of time with this person yourself. And its nice to really and i do mean REALLY get to know the person before making such a serious commitment as this one.
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Old 01-18-2011, 06:37 PM
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detritus detritus is offline
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Thanks for the replies everyone. I've been having some of the same concerns re: going out on "all three of us" dates and needing more of my own date nights with my husband. Even before he started dating her, I felt like we didn't have enough quality time together because he works three evenings a week 2pm-11pm, one of them Sunday. So there are two weekday evenings I spend alone and essentially one entire day on the weekends because we usually go out Saturday and sleep late Sunday. I have to get up early for work, so I'm usually dead tired by the time he gets home in the evenings. By the time you add in a day or two to go out with the new girl, and a day or two to spend apart with friends, there's not a lot left over for me each week. A lot of our "date nights" lately have been hanging out with friends, not the one-on-one time I would like. We've been working harder to carve out more time for just the two of us, but I'm having a hard time feeling like it's enough.

I've also been pushing him to organize something for all three of us, but he's been kind of procrastinating because he was still trying to feel out how much potential the two of them had together and wants my relationship with her to develop "organically." Or something. So we got a little five-minute intro last Friday before they left on a date and she is having a birthday party this weekend that I was invited to. I don't want to be a third wheel, but it's hard to accept that someone I don't even really know is having a huge affect on my life. But he has said she also expressed interest in other 3 person dates, so I know they will happen...just not as quickly as I would like.
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Old 01-18-2011, 07:02 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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You seriously aren't getting enough time with your husband. Sit him down with a calander and come up with a workable schedule, possibly include the g/f in the process. By the way, this is not just a poly issue, especially when your work schedules are different.
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Old 01-18-2011, 08:20 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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everyone has had really good stuff to say. Everything you are saying seems pretty normal to me... its all such a transition. Keep communicating and being radically honest. It does get easier and more normalized. It sounds like you have some boundaries to adjust and discuss. No one should ever have to compromise for long, it just gets way too uncomfortable. sometimes to the point where resentment takes over and hatred. If you feel you are getting to that place, then time for more honesty. Even if you can't really determine what it is that is going on for you...
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