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Old 09-09-2013, 09:57 PM
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Spokanepoly Spokanepoly is offline
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Cool Overnight jealousy

my wife and I consider ourselfs Poly. we both have dated other people, recently though my wife found a guy she loves, she spends as much time with him as possible and that's great .... but also she wants to start staying the night with him .... weekends and such. I am having a hard time dealing with this, I dont like her being away from me over night. wife says thats all part pf being poly and she wants a completely open and fair relationship for all, I can see her point and it sounds good on paper but when she is gone, im a wreck .... am I wrong in wanting her to stay home with me and not stay at his place ? is there a way to help deal with my jealousy on this issue ? any advice
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:34 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Well, my husband and I have discussed this since he was having a hard time with his envy/jealousy. I have a boyfriend, more of a fwb, that I see lots here at our house with hub, but I have been to his place one time. I'm not sure it was quite an "overnight" since I didn't get there until 11:30pm and was home by 5:00am. Hub had an awful time with it. The entire time I was driving over there (he's in Spok like you) hub was sending me texts, freaking the hell out and what not. I just ignored it since I knew he was having his own personal issue. He had given us the okay to be alone and then all of a sudden, lost his friggin mind (that was in July).

Now I'm about to meet a new guy and hub asked if I was going to stay overnight. I said after that incident we made an agreement no overnights right away with any one new but that eventually they would be ok. Part of what makes it hard for hub is our 2 year old. She wakes, not every night, to nurse. It's actually easy for him to just make a bottle, but that was his reasoning and I'm letting him use it. We also have two other kids, 15 yo girl and an almost 8 yo boy, so it's just best for them I'm home before they wake.

As I'm pretty new to this, I can't say what you can do to get over your jealousy except you'll need to figure out why you are jealous or insecure about her staying there. Is it every weekend? How many nights will you have her staying with you? Are you involved with any one else? Do you have a hobby you can do? There are a lot of stories about this and other posts here. I'm sure the more you read, learn and get opinions, you'll come to terms with your feelings.

Good luck on figuring this out. I personally know my husband loves me so much that I don't experience jealousy. Tomorrow he's going to meet a new girl. I'm not sure what they'll do but I'm sure they are going to get intimate. I'm 100% okay with it and smile every time I think about it.
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
Well, my husband and I have discussed this since he was having a hard time with his envy/jealousy. I have a boyfriend, more of a fwb, that I see lots here at our house with hub, but I have been to his place one time. I'm not sure it was quite an "overnight" since I didn't get there until 11:30pm and was home by 5:00am. Hub had an awful time with it. The entire time I was driving over there (he's in Spok like you) hub was sending me texts, freaking the hell out and what not. I just ignored it since I knew he was having his own personal issue. He had given us the okay to be alone and then all of a sudden, lost his friggin mind (that was in July).

Now I'm about to meet a new guy and hub asked if I was going to stay overnight. I said after that incident we made an agreement no overnights right away with any one new but that eventually they would be ok. Part of what makes it hard for hub is our 2 year old. She wakes, not every night, to nurse. It's actually easy for him to just make a bottle, but that was his reasoning and I'm letting him use it. We also have two other kids, 15 yo girl and an almost 8 yo boy, so it's just best for them I'm home before they wake.

As I'm pretty new to this, I can't say what you can do to get over your jealousy except you'll need to figure out why you are jealous or insecure about her staying there. Is it every weekend? How many nights will you have her staying with you? Are you involved with any one else? Do you have a hobby you can do? There are a lot of stories about this and other posts here. I'm sure the more you read, learn and get opinions, you'll come to terms with your feelings.

Good luck on figuring this out. I personally know my husband loves me so much that I don't experience jealousy. Tomorrow he's going to meet a new girl. I'm not sure what they'll do but I'm sure they are going to get intimate. I'm 100% okay with it and smile every time I think about it.
Its not every weekend, just one so far and before that she was away for one night durring the week. I couldnt sleep that night at all, felt stressed out the whole time lol. the weekend was the worst, I guess more time made it worse. Im hoping I can work through soon cause she is not happy with the idea of no overnights...... and he cant stay here cause we have family living with us ...
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Old 09-09-2013, 11:03 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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I do overnights with nudge, I know J feels down sometimes but he keeps himself busy, has a friend over, etc. I think you just have to find ways to occupy your mind and get used to the newness until its not new anymore
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Old 09-09-2013, 11:21 PM
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I think you just have to find ways to occupy your mind and get used to the newness until its not new anymore
yeah a friend over could work, just wasn't possible those nights. we are trying the just get used to it idea lol, we call it exposure therapy lol. so far it hasn't worked but time will tell.
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Old 09-09-2013, 11:23 PM
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guess im just trying to see if anyone is going through this or has in the past and has any sage wisdom :P
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:35 PM
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Yes and no... it is ok to want her to be home with you every night. But it is stay home.rong to make her stay home with you.

Keep yourself busy.. get a life hobby and etc separate from your wife just because you're married does mean you have to be joined at the hip.
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Old 09-09-2013, 10:50 PM
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well just to clarify she goes out on dates with him to dinner and such and they get intimate later at his house, im fine with all that, for some reason though when she stays the night and I know she isn't coming home, it really bothers me. ive been trying to figure out why this is something that im having a real issue with. I guess in the 10 years we have been together, we have never really been apart much and so now that she is wanting some time at someone elses house and im home alone, I cant concentrate and on anything but her being gone.
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Old 09-12-2013, 02:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coraline View Post
Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you. It's a silly comparison.
It wasn't meant to be a comparison, silly or otherwise.

As Marcus said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
nycindie was pretty clearly trying to ferret out the motivation of the discomfort. Is it just not being used to sleeping on his own, or is it a jealousy and fear of loss/abandonment issue?
The OP stated that he is fine with his partner having lovers, but he was puzzled as to why overnights were such a thorn in his side. It also sounded like he is just not used to doing things independently. Hence, my question about how he feels if she is sleeping overnight somewhere for other reasons. The point of what I wrote was to help the OP find the nugget at the core of his discomfort. As Mags suggested, it would be a great way to get more comfortable with each other's autonomy and learn how to occupy themselves when alone, if they both took overnight trips on their own, to see relatives or go to an event, whatever, more often. Then, if one of them spends a night with a lover, it wouldn't seem so out of the ordinary and disorienting, at least in some aspects.

However, Coraline, to what you wrote I gotta say - although some jealousy or envy can be understandable, if anyone who is partnered is so fucked up, fragile, and fearful about being "replaced" by their partner's lover, they've got lots more soul-searching, therapy, and strengthening their trust in each other to do before they even attempt to practice polyamory. It's not for the faint-hearted nor the extremely insecure! Also, letting go of couple-centrism/hierarchy would help!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2013 at 02:23 AM.
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Old 09-12-2013, 10:57 PM
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Personally, when my SO & I first did overnights, we scheduled them so that we both had overnights the first few times. I feel it was a great way to transition. All parties knew the situation. Perhaps we were lucky that we had that opportunity. It definitely allowed us to more gently ease into individual overnights rather than jumping into the deep end where one of us is alone all night.
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