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  #1  
Old 09-05-2013, 07:14 PM
spiderlady spiderlady is offline
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Default Long time lurker needing advice.

Iím tired of feeling like Iím the only one trying in this relationship.

Iím poly ~ heís, well the idea of an open fwb type relationships are fine with him. He has no problem with me having sex with other guys, but you add emotions to the equation and he freaks the fuck out.

He was hurt badly, emotionally, most of his life. By family and by his most recent (11 fucking years ago) ex. I get that, but dammint! Iím not her, nor am I like his family.

We had always (since the beginning of our relationship) talked about adding, either a female or another couple, to our relationship. We even talked about we donít want to be like my mother and step-father and just fuck random people. That weíd like to be friends first. So without blatantly stating it, I thought we were on the same page of poly. No. We werenít. Oh god, we werenít.

He was of the mind set of FWB/swingers (which is exactly like my mother) and I was of poly mindset.

After talks and talk and talks, we both concluded we had major mis-communication. Ok, goodÖsemi-same page now.

Now most of this came to head back in MARCH of this year. Since then, Iíve done research, on top of research and just for a change of pace, some more. HEíS DONE NONE! Except for the past two weeks, where he spent maybe a total of 2 hours on research. We donít talk about it unless I bring it up.

Iím starting to hate him a bit for sticking his head in the sand. I understand he works full time, and goes to school full time. But the last two weeks, he was on break at school. So he wasnít as brain dead. We could have TALKED ABOUT IT! But did we? only when I brought it up.

Iím tried of being the only one trying. I told him, thereís no one on the sidelines that Iím waiting for. I just need communication about poly. To know that heís thinking about it, that heís trying to understand me.

Heís said before that he wantís to know me, that he feels Iím changing. No, Iím not really changing, Iím just realizing what I want/need, and Iím making him see it as well.

I need him to try. Iím tired of play-acting like everything is ok.
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  #2  
Old 09-05-2013, 10:13 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Don't hold back, we can take it!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderlady View Post
I need him to try. Iím tired of play-acting like everything is ok.
So you guys started out "opening up" your relationship. You had a more love/relationship centric approach in mind but he only saw himself getting to have some threesomes with hot girl on girl action.

You do some reading and realize "Holy crap, I think I'm polyamorous"

So what is it you need him to try to do? Read about polyamory? Is that the problem you're having?

While it's good to vent, it is also good to take a deep breath and actually communicate what is going on if you want people to give you input on it. You sound irrationally pissed off and I suggest you dial that WAY down if you actually intend on addressing this situation with anything but a claw hammer.
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Old 09-05-2013, 10:26 PM
spiderlady spiderlady is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

So what is it you need him to try to do? Read about polyamory? Is that the problem you're having?
That and just trying to understand where I'm coming from I guess. We've been talking/arguing about this since the beginning of the year, with me always bringing it up. I wait and wait for him to say "hey, I read this and I'd like to talk about it." But if and when he reads something, (which I bought "Opening Up" for the both of us to read), if it doesn't pertain exactly to us, he disregards it.

He has such a tight rein on his emotions that he's not willing to talk about them.
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Old 09-05-2013, 10:45 PM
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Originally Posted by spiderlady View Post
That and just trying to understand where I'm coming from I guess. We've been talking/arguing about this since the beginning of the year, with me always bringing it up. I wait and wait for him to say "hey, I read this and I'd like to talk about it." But if and when he reads something, (which I bought "Opening Up" for the both of us to read), if it doesn't pertain exactly to us, he disregards it.

He has such a tight rein on his emotions that he's not willing to talk about them.
You are simply identifying that he has less interest in research and discussion than you do. I'm going to stretch way out on a limb here and say that this is not the fundamental issue you are dealing with.

What is the actual issue you want dealt with that he is ignoring?
1. You have a research fetish and it gets you hot when people quote articles to you
2. You are dying to hear him "bring up" to you that he won't open the relationship because that's stupid
3. You want him to realize that deep down he is polyamorous and opens himself up to the awesome beauty of your reality
If you were able to design your own world, what would the very next interaction with him look like? How would it end? What would be accomplished? You are looking for something in particular, what is it?
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Old 09-05-2013, 10:52 PM
spiderlady spiderlady is offline
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I want communication really. If I'm the only one bringing it up, it no longer feels like we're talking together.

If he would honestly say "I thought I could do this, but I can't because of X, Y, and Z" and gave me time to grieve, I believe I could become ok with being Mono.
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Old 09-05-2013, 10:55 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spiderlady View Post
I want communication really. If I'm the only one bringing it up, it no longer feels like we're talking together.

If he would honestly say "I thought I could do this, but I can't because of X, Y, and Z" and gave me time to grieve, I believe I could become ok with being Mono.
I think I hear you saying that because of his lack of communication on this subject you feel alone.

How does he do with communication on less emotionally charged subjects? Is there an issue with communication itself?
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Old 09-05-2013, 11:00 PM
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Originally Posted by spiderlady View Post
I want communication really. If I'm the only one bringing it up, it no longer feels like we're talking together.
He has clearly demonstrated to you that he is not prone to bringing up these topics to you. It could be because he's naturally shy and just doesn't do that - it could be that he is recoiling from your rather fierce intensity on the topics.

You are being irrational in assuming that he should bring up topics to you which you want to discuss. YOU are the one who wants to discuss it so why shouldn't you be the one to bring it up? If HE wanted to discuss it I presume he would bring it up... no?

I strongly suggest you identify your need for him to bring up a topic as useless baggage and move on with your life. You are only causing damage to your relationship with it. If you want to talk about something then bring it up (calmly, gently, and with your audience in mind).
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  #8  
Old 09-06-2013, 03:17 AM
theresnoquestion theresnoquestion is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
You sound irrationally pissed off and I suggest you dial that WAY down if you actually intend on addressing this situation with anything but a claw hammer.
Not to jump on OP's post but damn..I need someone to remind me of this every.single.day lol lol...or at least when I'm being impulsive haha.
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  #9  
Old 09-06-2013, 08:40 AM
london london is offline
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I think what you need to remember that he isn't wrong for wanting less than polyamory, for wanting a form of ethical non monogamy that is closer to monogamy because it restricts emotional availability outside of the primary relationship. He doesn't need to change, he doesn't need to evolve, he doesn't need to achieve the poly status. He is just him and he doesn't want his wife having other romantic, loving relationships outside of their marriage. That might not be compatible with your long term needs and you have to decide whether you want to change what you need and be happy with something closer to monogamy, or you want to end your marriage to pursue polyamorous relationships.

Quote:
I told her that I needed to decompress when I came home and that, if she would give me an hour of peace after I came home that I would be much more likely to join her in some of her energy level. It worked well enough, I felt less like she was draining the life out of me and she had a "schedule" for her anxiety.
If you see here, Marcus clearly sees his need to not interact with his partner as more important than her need to interact. Now, of course, it's his need so that is going to be high up in his list of Important Things but look at what that is actually saying to your partner: "my needs come first". Why couldn't he agree to interact for an hour and then be left in peace? Why must the thing he wants come first? Why must the thing she wants come second? Yes, they reached a compromise, but a compromise that clearly stated that her needs are of less importance, are less relevant and less "right" than his. In truth, neither of them are right or wrong, they are just wholly incompatible.
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Old 09-06-2013, 11:59 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If you see here, Marcus clearly sees his need to not interact with his partner as more important than her need to interact. Now, of course, it's his need so that is going to be high up in his list of Important Things but look at what that is actually saying to your partner: "my needs come first". Why couldn't he agree to interact for an hour and then be left in peace? Why must the thing he wants come first? Why must the thing she wants come second? Yes, they reached a compromise, but a compromise that clearly stated that her needs are of less importance, are less relevant and less "right" than his. In truth, neither of them are right or wrong, they are just wholly incompatible.
There is a school of thought that indicates if we attend to our own needs first, we are far more effective at attending to others needs - along the line of "put your own oxygen mask on first." I suppose in less than the plane is about to crash circumstances, it might be better to look at whose need is most dire, and whether we want our loves to address our need in the most efficient manner available or if "now" is more important.

Either is a valid answer, but results may vary.
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