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  #1  
Old 08-30-2013, 09:01 PM
zampana zampana is offline
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Default Is poly better for women than men?

Okay, this will be my intro to the forum as well as my first question.

We are sort-of new to the poly life, at least in terms of a defined choice. My partner and I have been trad-mono married for almost 20 years. We rushed into marriage so we could be together (she was from another country and back then you could only stay together if you married). She's always been poly at heart, has had many past relationships and has always been amazing about staying in touch with old boyfriends. Over the years she's grown close to a number of men, but never consumated the relationships physically, because she loved me and didn't want to break the vows/my heart.

I also have a lot of poly, have always loved many women, but had much less experience than her when we married and made a firm commitment to being monogamous and not putting myself in "dangerous" situations. Over the years I cut myself off from women and even many of my close guy friends. I suppose I didn't trust myself if I was out there. There were a couple close calls, but I also was "faithful" sexually if not in my heart.

We came out to each other fully and completely a few months ago. It's been wonderful for us, as our marriage had stagnated and had come close to ending. We're having a new honeymoon and are happier than we've been since we first met.

My partner has already met and started a relationship with one man, and is slowly nurturing a friendship that's meant a lot to her and grow to more (once the reigns were loosened, she just went crazy!). Both men are out of town now, unfortunately for her, so she's keen to meet someone else. She has a glow about her, and is finding men coming at her from all angles. It's beautiful to see her blossom again, and she is absolutely gorgeous. Very very deeply in love!

I had a lovely one night with a beautiful woman who then quickly pulled away. Ever since I've struggled meeting people. Any women I do meet seem to run the other way when they find out I'm already in one committed relationship. For sure, I'm meeting the wrong women, but it seems as if the majority of women I meet are convinced monogamy is the only way. The pool seems very shallow (Vancouver, notoriously hard to meet people here!)

I've struggled with jealousy over the years, but I'm committed to this new way, because it's right for me and her and us, so I'm working on it. I know in the long run things will work out, as long as I can get my own life going. My partner will have no problems -- as mentioned, she's lovely and beautiful and has a many-year head start on me in terms of social networks and a life outside our relationship.

But I can't help but wonder if poly ultimately works better for women than men? Many, many men love the idea of a relationship to someone who won't ask them to move in and have babies, who just wants to have a good time and who will be fine with them continuing to see other people.

Maybe it's just the women I've been meeting, but I find the opposite to be true - most women, if they're available and looking, seem to want to know that there's a commitment, that the man they're going to invest in will be willing to take it to the next level or whatever. I don't know. Maybe I'm just impatient? But her out there and having the time of my life and me at home trying to figure out how to progress my own trip is pushing very deep painful buttons.

Does this resonate with anyone or is it just my current circumstances/world view? Is it just me? Am I being impatient? Maybe I'm trying to hard. Maybe the universe wants me to be alone for the first stage of this so that I can fully deal with my envy and jealous and not hide from it in another relationship?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
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  #2  
Old 08-30-2013, 09:19 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Easier?

Quote:
Originally Posted by zampana View Post
Any women I do meet seem to run the other way when they find out I'm already in one committed relationship.

Maybe it's just the women I've been meeting, but I find the opposite to be true - most women, if they're available and looking, seem to want to know that there's a commitment, that the man they're going to invest in will be willing to take it to the next level or whatever.
Stereotypically, women can have an easier time of it then men, as men are looking for less commitment. But, speaking as a polyamorous female, if you approached me with that attitude (What, you want a COMMITMENT from me? A next level? You want this to actually mean something?), I'd be very turned off.

On the other hand, if you want a less intense relationship with a woman who doesn't have expectations of the relationship going anywhere, you can try the swinging community, though ratio of men to women tends to not be in your favor.
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  #3  
Old 08-30-2013, 09:28 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Have you tried okcupid? You can post a profile and state that you are poly, so no conversation is started with the assumption that everyone is monogamous. And it has a keyword search feature that you can utilize to find other poly people.
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  #4  
Old 08-31-2013, 01:58 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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No.. simple answer. It does depend on your metrics but I'm general poly is pretty gender blind.

The male difficulty of finding dates is no different than in monogamy. My gfs always had an easier time with men throwing themselves at them. Their rato of worthwhile dates was really low. Hugh volume doesn't mean hhigh quality.
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  #5  
Old 08-31-2013, 09:57 AM
zampana zampana is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Stereotypically, women can have an easier time of it then men, as men are looking for less commitment. But, speaking as a polyamorous female, if you approached me with that attitude (What, you want a COMMITMENT from me? A next level? You want this to actually mean something?), I'd be very turned off.

On the other hand, if you want a less intense relationship with a woman who doesn't have expectations of the relationship going anywhere, you can try the swinging community, though ratio of men to women tends to not be in your favor.
I'm definitely not a swinger. I absolutely want a real connection, a real relationship, whether it lasts a night or a lifetime, whether it involves sex or not. My "problem" right now (early days and all) is that the minute the poly thing comes up, the women seem to bolt. So yes, the task is to find a truly poly woman. The trick is to find people who are open to it. It just seems that when people find out I'm married, the auto-assumption is that I'm some sort of sleazy middle aged guy out cruising women, which is so insanely far from the truth!
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  #6  
Old 08-31-2013, 02:27 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zampana View Post
Any women I do meet seem to run the other way when they find out I'm already in one committed relationship. For sure, I'm meeting the wrong women, but it seems as if the majority of women I meet are convinced monogamy is the only way.

... Many, many men love the idea of a relationship to someone who won't ask them to move in and have babies, who just wants to have a good time and who will be fine with them continuing to see other people.

Maybe it's just the women I've been meeting, but I find the opposite to be true - most women, if they're available and looking, seem to want to know that there's a commitment, that the man they're going to invest in will be willing to take it to the next level or whatever.
I've read many threads here in which men seem to have a more difficult time finding someone willing to have this sort of relationship, than women, for exactly the reasons you're finding.

Unless they're already married, themselves, really, what's the benefit to these women of a relationship with someone who only wants to see them part time, when he and his wife aren't busy?
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Old 08-31-2013, 03:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Only you can answer that -- if you are being impatient /trying too hard.

But if you have this awareness at this point in time...

Quote:
Maybe the universe wants me to be alone for the first stage of this so that I can fully deal with my envy and jealous and not hide from it in another relationship?
...you could start to clear it off your plate NOW rather than wait to do it AFTER you are in some other relationship.

Could reading about jealousy and pitfalls help you with your emotional management?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell

GL!
Galagirl
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  #8  
Old 08-31-2013, 10:13 AM
zampana zampana is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
...you could start to clear it off your plate NOW rather than wait to do it AFTER you are in some other relationship.

Could reading about jealousy and pitfalls help you with your emotional management?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell

GL!
Galagirl
I totally agree - now is the time to work on me, while I can focus on me. It would be nice to have a chance at relationships brewing, sort of as something to look forward to, but there's only so much I can do. The universe will provide, I hope!

Thanks so much for the links. I'm reading an good book:

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2...om_search=true

It's dense and a little repetitive but does touch on many aspects of what causes jealousy. It's open relationship chapter needs a poly update -- only deals with jealousy in swingers. I will look forward to reading your references. It's hard being the one sitting at home right now, but if I can tackle it and come to terms with it, I'll be in a way better place when I finally connect with someone (who will also be seeing others - jealousy squared?!)
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  #9  
Old 08-31-2013, 10:20 AM
zampana zampana is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I've read many threads here in which men seem to have a more difficult time finding someone willing to have this sort of relationship, than women, for exactly the reasons you're finding.

Unless they're already married, themselves, really, what's the benefit to these women of a relationship with someone who only wants to see them part time, when he and his wife aren't busy?
I think this is exactly the perception I'm finding when approaching people. Unless you find exactly the right person who's either already in a committed open relationship, or who's very busy or very private, it doesn't work. Whereas more guys seem more open to a nice side relationship (unfortunately whether their SO knows or not). Yes it is a quality versus quantity.

I'm very conscious of what I'm asking from a woman, and hope/plan/wish that my new relationship(s) will have as much love and attention as my longer term one. This is one of the big current struggles I'm having -- my partner is in the middle of these two, albeit long distance relationships, but they're both intense in their own ways and demand time and attention that is suddenly not available for me. Of course. Duh. Tricky though. Hopefully uncomfortable just because it's all so new and I'm rebooting everything I know about romantic relationships.
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  #10  
Old 08-31-2013, 03:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Haven't read it yet, but Labriola's new jealousy book is on pre-order.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Jealousy-W...riola+jealousy

YMMV.

Galagirl
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