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Old 08-27-2013, 02:01 AM
sheesh sheesh is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2
Question very new to poly

so i am about 5 months into a new poly relationship with an already established couple (they've been together 7yrs) and i am finding that this is way more confusing than i first expected. i started dating G first. she and her husband were very upfront with me in the beginning and told me exactly what they were looking for; a girlfriend that they could share. well the first month with her was amazing, she was extremely affectionate and was always telling me how much she couldn't wait until we were together. the sex was amazing and it seemed as though we couldn't keep our hands off of each other when we were together. once the three of us had started our relationship the physical contact from G started to lack. at first the sex between the three of us was constant but because of one of the rules of theirs was that S and i could not have sex unless G was involved, i have not had any sexual contact in over 3 months. S and i seem to have gotten closer throughout this time of "drought" for me and has been open enough to tell me that he and G have sex at least once a week. this is fine, obviously they are going to have sex, they're in a relationship. my problem is this... When i ask G if she and i can have sex she tells me "I haven't been in the mood for sex lately"... this bothers me because i know she is having sex with S. I have tried to have conversations with her about it but they seem to all just come back to the same end. she says she loves me and wants to be with me. i have been really fed up and ready to throw in the towel because lately it seems that all we do is argue. i am not sure what to do. does anyone have some advice?
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Old 08-27-2013, 07:54 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,474

Hi and welcome,

What's it feel like to be a unicorn .. sorry just kidding around.

To start what type of poly experience did the couple have prior to you ?....or was this some sort of 7 yr itch thing ...or the wife was bi curious and once the husband started having feelings everything changed and started hitting home for her.

I'd throw in the towel on a relationship that hasn't been working longer than it has worked. 3/5 of the time frustrating and lopsided. No seat on the rules committee. Take what you're given...or fuck off ...literally go fuck yourself. Because I don't " feel " like it and it against the rule for him.

How did you get hooked up with these people?
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Old 08-27-2013, 08:33 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,442

I would throw in the towel myself, but I'll proceed under the assumption you'd rather not, or else you would have already.

You could confront G about your perception that it's not "I'm not in the mood" but rather "I don't want it with you." To be the Devil's advocate, it's conceivable that she hasn't been in the mood at all and that S has been pressuring her anyway. But more likely, something happened during one of the threesomes that made her feel weird, and now she doesn't want to do that anymore, but she's too chicken-shit to tell you about it and work it out.

Or maybe she was bi-curious and now that her curiosity's been satisfied, she realizes she's not really down with pussy.

I guess my question to you is, what's in it for you? What outcome would you like to see? Perhaps you would feel better if you had more of a say in how the relationship works, e.g. having sex with S without G needing to be present.

Incidentally, this whole poly thing also means you're allowed to have relationships with other people outside this couple. There's no reason that just because they're not meeting your needs, you can't get your needs met with someone else. Unless of course, that's another one of "their rules" in which case forget 'em and move on. They don't own you.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 08-27-2013, 11:22 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,740

No sex for 3 months in a 5 month relationship. You should still be in the ripping each others clothes off stage.

Yeah personally even at almost a year and a half together I get upset if I don't have sex on a regular basis.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 08-27-2013, 12:02 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

You have been given some pretty sound analysis - there is something else going on besides, "not in the mood."

Choices are (as some of the others suggested):

1. Confront her them straight out about the fact they are having sex, which kind of precludes' "not in the mood," unless as someone suggested, hubby is pressuring her.

2. Confront the situation in a different way, by telling them that your needs are not being met in the relationship. List them and ask if they are going to be willing to meet those needs.

3. Confront the situation from yet another approach and state that since they are not meeting your needs during her "not in the mood" dry spell, you will began looking for another partner to address them.

I was with a couple once, and everything was fine - no issues with sex - until the wife realized the husband and I had grown to love each other. Then all bets were off. She went 180 degrees. (Wasn't love kind of the point?)
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,928

I am sorry you are struggling.

I'm not sure what feedback you need.
  • Encouragement to end it. (Which is what you seem to want)
  • Encouragement to work something out with them.

Which is it?

What do you guys are about? Sex? Or something else? Like if you were having sex then X wouldn't be as annoying, but since you are not having sex then X becomes even more bothersome?

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